Stepfathers opinion needed. How would you have liked to be approached?

Question

my husband is a stepfather of my two older boys. we also have a third child together. In my effort to transition my children to respect my husband's authority as the man of the house, i requested my husband to give me his input on disciplnary issues. i want all of my children to follow all the rules in the house equally regardless of blood. my stepfather treated me like his own daughter at all times so i know it's possible.
the older boys asked to use outside chalk on the driveway. my husband said no due to the owner of the building possibly not being okay with it. i respected that. well, my oldest took it upon himself to ask the the owner and the owner's children to see if it was okay with them. they said yes. so my sons and the other children drew all over the carport. at the time i found out about the chalk, i made the oldest get them back and i put them away. my husband saw the writing last night and was pissed. (understandably). this morning, to be continued....

he ordered me to have Sam clean the entire driveway as punishment. without my input, witout any discussion. I don't think it was fair that he calls all the shots as if I was a lesser person in the house. punishements should be fair and discussed between the two of us, not just his decisions.
my son did ask for permission from the owner, he only failed to let us know of her response. (her children were drawing all over the floor as well). i would have rather waited until i could speak to the owner before handing our punishments and actually punish him for not communicating with us as parents first then to punish him for doing something when he had the permission to do so by the other adult (owner). We gave him a reason not to, my son took the initiative to question the owner, i saw no reason for punishing him for using the chalk itself. So instead i cleaned the chalk myself and threw away the chalk as he had requested. Well, he's pissed at me now. what could i have done differently?

Answer 1

Easy...your kid cleans the driveway/carport. He had been told NO by his "father." It should have ended there. Instead, your son went behind both your backs and did what he wanted to do, totally disregarding what he was told by BOTH of you! I cannot believe you are not pissed at this, not your husband! You husband handled it right. You have not. No matter what goes down, you two have to back eachother up. Parents do NOT need the other's permission to mete out harmless punishment. You want your husband to be in authority, but you reject it when he does...make up your mind, mame.

Answer 2

Sorry I am not a stepfather... but I am a stepmother going through very similar circumstances ALL the time... and its REALLY tough!! We have 5 children all together, he has a 12 year old girl from a previous marriage and I have a 12 year old boy and 6 year old girl from a previous marriage, AND ..we have 2 together, 9 months and 19 months ( yes 10 months apart lol ) anyway... we constantly struggle with the 2 older children and how and when to punish. He constantly thinks his daughter does not wrong and that my son is the worlds worst child. The truth is that both of these kids have issues that need to be worked on, I know this, but my husband refuses to agree about his daughter. I think some men are just not capable of looking at children that are not theirs the same. Other than this my husband is a great father so I keep trucking through the mud hoping we can eventually come together on these issues. I actually thought about seeing a counselor to help us sort out discipline issues, even though I dont like the idea of "seeing a shrink" I think in cases like these it may be the best solution.

Answer 3

Well you shouldn't have cleaned up the chalk or threw it out. The only reason he had to say NO was because he didn't want the owner to get mad, once that issue was resolved then there really shouldn't be an issue. Your husband has a control issue. He feels since he said no, that means no and that's the end of it. He sees your son as disrespecting him because he took the initiative to ask the owner himself. I don't see that as disrespect, I see that as responsible. He wasn't out right disobeying what he was told, but was actually doing what he was told to do in a way. Your husband said the owner might not be OK with it, but never bothered to check himself, so your son did. You should have discussed this with your husband, not cleaned it up. Realizing you want everyone to be one big happy family, ultimately they are your children and it should be you that has the last word. He should have waited for you to get home before he doled out punishment.

Answer 4

One may argue along the line of "chain of command". But I think your husband has shown his true colors, ie, rigid control and authority and cannot accept reasoning. It's like the military --- never question the order even if the order might be wrong.

A reasonable man would first go through a discussion and understand that the kids had obtained permission. Then the previous assumption of not drawing is no longer valid. In the working world, a supervisor might give a pat on the back about an employee's initiative of exploring something new. So there might be other underlying reasons -- testing his unquestionable authority. Also, it begs the question if his reaction would be the same if it was his own biological son.

Answer 5

I think that you both were a little over the top.
The kids...did the right thing.

The kids wanted to play with the chalk and the objection was over getting the owners permission and that is what they did. They did the responsible thing and solved their own problem.....a good thing.

The two of you need to sit down and discuss your rolls and discipline of the kids at a different time.

If this happened to me.....I'd apologise to my kids for overreacting and not listening to them prior to the punishment. I'd also let them know that I was proud of them for solving their own problem and add that I expected them to talk to me before approaching the owner and let me know that they had received permission.

Answer 6

Getting pissed at sidewalk chalk is a little silly. It can be washed away with a hose. If he gets pissed off at such small things whats he going to do with large issues? Yes the children took it upon themselves to do it but they also took his concerns into consideration when they asked the owner if it was okay. In my opinion stepfathers or mothers should never be the authority figure to the step children. Its not their parent. You should set the rules and make them abide by them so they won't have a reason to be bitter to their step parent. There can be family rules but you should parent your children. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and sidewalk chalk is not a battle to have.

Answer 7

as a step father myself i have to say that the reason your husband is upset is because no one ever told him that the owner was asked if it was ok and then he saw the chalk and assumed that the boys had gone against what was said. at that point you say he was understandably pissed so for you to clean things up yourself instead of having the kids do it is undermining him. my wife and i go through this kind of stuff all the time because she allows our son to pull stuff on her like this and the only way we deal with it is to agree to not just go with our first reaction but rather to talk to each other first then come up with a solution. its not always easy but it works for us most of the time. what you need to understand is that we have it tough already coming in as the "step father" and we really need your support to help everyone get the idea of being a family.

Answer 8

Does your husband and boys have a good relationship? Does he play with them and take them places or is he just mom's new husband and rides them all the time? My girlfriend and I both have kids from pasts marriages and I love her kids like they were my own. Chalk on the carport isnt a big deal, why are the both of you making it such a big deal? Both of you should have talked about it and then set the boys down and talked to them about their actions and what should have taken place instead of blowing up at the boys and each other...

Answer 9

Your childen are clever, and merely testing boundaries. They should have told you they asked the owner before they used the chalk, so they are in the wrong. You and your husband may disagree about how the kids were punished, but that is your issue to resolve. You two need to work that out, but you must present a united front to the kids, otherwise they will keep playing you against each other.

Answer 10

jumping in here...

he got pissed because he wasn't consulted.

your son took it upon himself to ask the question, ok.

the next step I think your husband would have liked to have seen is this...

Ask him again and let him know that the owner said X.
Your husband could have followed up with the owner at that point to confirm that yes, it is ok, and then a compromise could have been reached.

What your husband is likely bothered by is that his involvement in the decision was circumvented and he wasn't even consulted when the information on his assumption of the situation changed. Its reasonable to expect to have been told. "Hey "name" or Dad if they call him that...I hope its ok, I asked the owner and his kids and they said it was ok to write with the chalk. You can call and confirm it if you need to. As long as its ok with them, may we...and so forth.

Your son eliminated your husbands decision and technically balked the authority you want your husband to have. i doubt it was malicious, and I doubt your husband will hold a grudge but likely, as long as you all talk it out and make it clear where the lines were blurred,, things should calm down.