Is this spousal respect?

Question

My husband and I have a home office. He has his own desk and I have mine. He is constantly trowing my papers and other things away that he "thinks" is trash. I am in a constant battle with him about the fact that it is MY desk and not his. MY desk is MY responsibility and HIS is HIS responsibility. He says when he sees what he thinks is trash that he will throw it away off my desk. He has thrown away keepsakes , mail and other things he deems is trash. I don't think he has any respect for my only bit of personal space in my house. What do you all out there think?

A.) Should he leave my stuff on my desk alone reguardless of what he thinks it is?

B.) Should I be leaniant?

What would you do in my situation?

Answer 1

Of course, locking away your things makes him the winner in this battle. That's what he wants -- for you to conform to his way of thinking as to how to maintain your desk space. If this were an ordinary co-worker, I'd start throwing away things off his desk to see how he likes it. But this isn't an ordinary co-worker, it's your husband, and you have to decide if this is a battle you want to go to the mat on.

He is definitely in the wrong. He shouldn't be throwing away ANYTHING of yours, whether it's on your desk or not. He has no respect for you, your belongings, or your feelings if he can do that. To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he doesn't realize that that's what it means to the person on the receiving end of it -- men can be extremely retarded in this regard. But his attempt at controlling you is probably spilling over into other areas of your marriage. Think about how important it is to you to escalate the situation to the next level before you take any action.

Answer 2

How frustrating! It's really maddening when someone doesn't seem to respect you and your stuff.

What the two of you are probably dealing with though, is a difference in organizing styles. You're probably a very visual person. If I were to ask you to find something on your desk, you'd be able to find it within a minute or so. Your desk may look like chaos, but it's an organized chaos.

You husband, on the other hand, is more of a compartmentalizer. He lives by the phrase "a place for everything and everything in its place".

What's happening is that he's looking at your desk and seeing the chaos there and it's effecting his ability to think clearly. He needs clear spaces, you don't.

You both need to compromise. You need to add more formal organizing techniques and products to your desk, he needs to stay away from your desk.

I would start by moving your desk out of his line of sight. Your mess is less likely to bother him if he's not looking at it all the time. Then do some more organizing. Deep baskets, stand up files, caddies, trays and hanging hot files will move your papers into categories while still keeping them in your view. If you have your "clutter" in a basket it looks more like work than clutter and is less likely to end up in the trash bin.

What you two are suffering from isn't a lack of respect, it's a lack of understanding. If you'll each give the other a little more understanding of your different organizing styles, you'll have a more harmonious office life.

Answer 3

"He says when he sees what he thinks is trash that he will throw it away off my desk." <---- sounds like a threat to me.
"He has thrown away keepsakes , mail and other things he deems is trash." <----- method of control over you; treating you like a misbehaving child - eliminating anything personally significant.
" I don't think he has any respect for ONLY bit of personal space in my house." <----- seems like he has already beaten you down, and nearly won the battle completely. Just these little bits , to me, add up to a possessive, control freak, with the potential for some kind of abuse....not saying its already happened, but that's my concern. You have confronted this issue with him, and he continues to disregard your feelings and rights as an individual. Makes me wonder what else he controls. Your friendships, free time, hobbies, wardrobe, etc. If a few odds and ends on a desk are all that define you in your own home, there is a a bigger problem that neatness at hand. See a counselor, preferably as a couple. Good luck!

Answer 4

I think you have come to the understanding that there is really no "personal" spaces in a marriage. It's his space too. What if your desk is always messy? Well the whole room looks messy not just your desk!
I tell my wife the same thing (although I don't act on it). I tell her if you have respcet for your stuff, don't treat them like trash and don't throw them all over. Otherwise they are considered trash.
If you get an organizer or a filing cabinet and keep your papers organized, then I am sure he won't throw anything out.
By the same token, you have the right to throw his stuff out if he has made a mess.
good luck.

Answer 5

I say A why would he clean your desk up anyway? It's yours. How would he feel if you went to his desk and threw away papers that were important to him but to you it was trash the moral of my answer is privacy if it's yours you clean it you throw trash away. I think y'all need to sit down and just talk about the situation, and work it out tell him if he can't stop touching your things then your gonna do the same thing to him!! Also, you could get a filing cabinet with a lock so nothing looks like trash and you know for sure won't nothing happen to your important papers or keepsakes.
Good luck and don't fight have fun!! y'all married it's so wonderful!

Answer 6

This is what I would do, I would go and get a storage container and put all of my papers in it and hide it under your desk. This way you could keep your desk cleaned up and don't let your husband know that you have the container and you will be able to keep all of the stuff you would like to with out him throwing anything away. I would do it when he is not in the room. When he asks what you did your the desk just say I cleaned it up to make you feel like you did not have to help me keep my desk cleaned up.

Answer 7

This is not proper office professionalism. Wether at home or in the corporate world you need to set policies that protect the rights of the fellow employees and that includes there work space. If you lack that level of professionalism in the in the office you will also lack that in your profession. If you want to be sucessful in your business life then you must sart with the office, this may also mean that you need to reorgainze your work space. But all in all it is disrespectful and unprofessional behavior and should be addressed. Think of this way if you were at an office could you have your desk just any way you want it ? and would co-workers be allowed to forge through your things?

Answer 8

Does he get angry during confrontation? If not he's probably just your average male that doesn't have a clue. Thinks he's helping when he's not. How many late bills I've had because a man deemed them "trash" I'll never know. You may need to get a lock box or be manipulative, hide some of his things and see how he likes it (you can give them back after the point has been made.

Answer 9

Your husband has no right to throw anything out that belongs to you. It is your personal papers, bills, etc. Who does he think he is? I've gone through this. My husband will through out personal keepsakes I've had for years, and not even have the respect to tell me. He feels that if I haven't "used" it in years, I don't need it. Take a stand. You shouldn't have to move your desk, or lock anything up. Tell him he has no business doing this, and it really hurts you deeply when he does. Whatever you do, don't stoop to his level and throw his things out. This will only cause friction. Maybe making him feel bad because he has hurt you will work. Good luck sweety. I hope he learns to respect you and your things.

Answer 10

I agree with you, that is your desk he should respect that and leave your stuff alone. How would he feel if you went to his desk and through stuff away that could have possibly been of some importance.