Please help me save my marriage?

Question

My sex drive is completely gone. It has been about two months since the last time we had sex. It's not his fault; it's mine. I love him and I am in love with him, but as far as I am concerned, I could never have sex again and be FINE with that. I probably should go to a doctor to make sure there isn't something really wrong with me; I know that. However, I have a man doctor, and I feel really uncomfortable talking to him about this.

I feel really bad about how I keep rejecting sex, and sometimes I even let him "do his thing" with no return effort, and this really probably hurts him more. I know if I keep rejecting it, he will probably turn somewhere else, and I don't want this to happen. Like I said, I love him. I wanna grow old with him. Please help!

I was asked was it just not HIM I wanted to have sex with. I couldn't care less about having sex with anyone. I don't think about any other guys, I don't even fantasize about Celebrities, NOTHING.

Answer 1

First of all I would switch drs - if you dont feel comfortable talking to your doctor he's not the right one for you! Find one you trust and that is a woman if that makes it easier. And remember that you are not the first nor the last to have this problem or to tell the doc about it!

Second of all - try to think about things that used to make you want to have sex. Was it a certain place, something he did, was it the thrill of him being someone new...then try to recreate that. Go to that place, dress up or do whatever to feel sexy, pretend to "meet" each other somewhere and then go home...

I would be honest with him and let him help you no matter how hard but I would also see the dr. This is not uncommon.

Answer 2

I am in the same boat as you are. Imagine my surprise when he asked and I said 'Didn't we just do this a week ago?' -no 4 weeks ago. I didn't miss it. Don't even think about it. I don't know what all else is going on in your life. It could all be 'in your head' so to speak or it could be a physical problem. (Mine is in my head-I have a wicked case of depression-diagnosed today-should start medication soon)

If you are uncomfortable talking about this with your doctor then try and find a different doctor. I think your doctor won't mind though. After all he probably hears worse every day.

Something that works a little for me is when I am not in the mood and he is I try and fake it. I go off and have a nice hot shower and think sexy thoughts. I think about sex and remember times when it was mindblowing and try and think about those feelings. It does help some. Sometimes after doing this I attack him. Sometimes it doesn't work but I have tried.

I really do know what you are going through. I am working on mine and I hope yours improves. Maybe you will have luck with some of the advice people have left. (Maybe I will too!!) Good Luck!!

Answer 3

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is highly unlikely that you have a physical reason for this that can be "cured'.
Women are brought up to value different things than men are, things like family and a home, and sex is not high on the training list for women, whereas it is made too much of a priority on the male value list.

But, have you had children in the last few years by chance?
Women after having children have a biological decrease in sexual desire in order to raise the child to a certain age where the child can be somewhat independent. I assume that you are mostly comfortable in your home and family life. Women without the desire to 'get a man' as I'll put it, often strive less to keep what they already have, assuming that it is safe to ignore him to some extent, ESPECIALLY if there are children.
You've recognized that you have a problem, well, at least it is a problem according to your spouse, not really a problem for you at all.
So what can you do to rekindle your desire?
You have to get into the mindset of enjoying sex simply for the purpose of the sensual. Since you have your husband, sex is no longer about catching him. So now you need to learn to enjoy sex for sex itself.
Unless there are serious problems in your marriage, this is probably about reclaiming your body for yourself after having children and how it was 'taken over' by the pregnancies.
But you never said a word about children...I'm assuming here, but I've seen it happen so many times that I am willing to bet that I'm right on.

Answer 4

If you are not comfortable with your regular physician because of gender, then go to a female physician. You may really need to get some help, and proper diagnosis is the first step. You may have a physical issue or a mental issue like depression that you need to have correctly diagnosed so that you can be helped.

If it turns out that there isn't anything going on that could be detrimental to you, then perhaps your feelings toward your husband have changed. Talking this issue out with him in a very open and honest dialog is the first step to healing your relationship.

And I would suggest that you go ahead and start the dialog with him now. If you love each other as you say you do, I am sure that he would want to help you through this time in any way that he can.

Good Luck

Answer 5

All these ppl judging w/o being in ur shoes... it sucks! I am only 24 years old and have been w/my 27 year old husband for 5 years. I should be a wild sex machine but for the last year or so sex is the last thing on my mind. And yes, besides my sex drive, I'm a perfectly healthy female. In other words, I REALLY do know what u're going through, because I love him to death too! My doc prescribed some testosterone hormones, really high dose at some point and it didn't help one bit. This has been going on for at least a year but I talk to my husband and he knows that I love him dearly and it's a prob w/me, not him or our marriage. I try and keep him happy in other ways, like showering w/him and giving him special treatments. We've gone for almost 2 months at a time w/o sex and it's harder for me to do it again when so much time passes, but if we do it w/in 2 or 3 weeks, it's easier for me to get "turned" on. Although, I really don't get that turned on. My husband tries REALLY hard and half of the time it doesn't work, so I know he is EXTREMELY frustrated, but we work on our marriage and keep loving each other. It's not easy, be we try really hard.

Answer 6

You will have to go to a doctor, but make it a female doctor because she can understand more. Not that I go against male doctors, but experience helps. I had to go to an obgyn and it turned out to be a man. I told him my problem and he asked me what was I doing there seeing him. I had a pain in my uterus and wanted to be examed, the doctor laughed. So I go to a female doctor. Now, first thing you should do is talk to your husband, let him understand what you are going through because that what married couples do, they talk to each other and this way come to an understanding. He can even go with you to the doctor and let the doctor talk to him about your situation and explain the medical side of it. The best thing is this. When a husband and wife talk and help each other things will be a little more better and both will fell comfortable. Now do not tell him that you did not give return efforts. Just say that recently what you feel and you are going to a doctor. Understanding and dialogue between the couple is a good start. Remember you both are now 1 and must share all things even if you feel sick, well, or with a problem the both of you can work it out. His help, understanding, love and care is first. sometimes just moving more closer to each other, like watching a game together, going to a movie together or doing any type of activity together will help in the area of sex. I hated sex after I go divorced because my ex was terrible to me and that was all he wanted. My new husband now of 10 years is so different and I told him of how my ex was and all the bad things. He understands and is really wonderful to me, not because of what my ex did to me but because he believes that understanding, love, care and sharing are important in a marriage. As a matter of fact we both are scorpions and we are just fine. Sex is great too. Good luck

Answer 7

You know what, every woman goes through this, at least all of my friends and I have at least one time or another. It's part of life. I know that I have personally struggled through it more than once. After having a baby, during my early 30's, and after my hysterectomy. I visited with both my doctor and my husband. There are things you can do, and there are medications that can affect your hormones. Most importantly though, I think you should share this with your husband. Let him know how you are feeling. My husband has been very understanding. He has even went above and beyond. Doing things like being extra romantic, back rubs, drawing a bath, lighting candles. Things to help get me in the mood. You'll feel better just getting it off your chest.

Answer 8

You may be going through a faze, but it's not the end. You both need to communicate and get some outside help. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your male Doc, get a female Doc. And get a recommendation for a marriage counselor. If the first one doesn't work, get another and keep trying till you find the right one. They are out there and can really get you both on track. Don't give up, good luck!

Answer 9

Yes, you should see a doctor. My wife is the same way. After this, and several other issues nearly ended our marriage she, like you, started "letting me do my thing" just to keep from being so unhappy I leave. It is not working. Check a couple of my other answers to recent questions and you will see that. He does know you are just suffering through it. It does hurt him. And eventually it will lead other problems and most likely an end to your marriage. If you can't talk to your current doctor, find another one. In fact, if you can't talk to your gyn about something like this, you need a new one anyway, that is part of why they are there, not just to do your annual.

Answer 10

You should see a Doctor and if you're not comfortable with a male doctor than get a referral to a female doctor. You are giving your husband every reason in the world to look else where and if he hasn't already you better believe he's considering it. Save your marriage and act fast, This situation is going to get worse better it gets better.