is this marriage savable?

Question

Tuesday is my 25th anniversary. Ok first of all, he is a hardworker, very conciencious about paying bills on time. Very caring to me when I am sick or when I had surgery. Have no reason to believe he has every cheated. And Im sure he thinks he loves me but... He can be mean and controlling. Has many times referred to me as white trash, liar, he says he is the only one that plays by the rules. All 3 children still live at home, one handicapped, 2 work full time & full time students. No one can really afford to move out, and I don't feel they should have to untill at least they finish college. He doesn't like when I go anywhere when he is not home. I don't have any friends, I had one best friend, her husband is my husbands best friend. But she died 3 mths ago, so I have no one left to talk to. He seems to think that the kids and I are constantly out to get him. We are just using him for a paycheck, Everyone of us works fulltime. He is convinced his stress comes from

the fact that the kids still live at home. I don't see how, they take care of themselves, and are hardly ever home. I started noticing his resentment towards them while they were still in their teens. Yes I do enjoy my children, but I was always raised that your husband comes first, but there have been incidents where he has said things to them that were way out of line. One time my son questioned him on why he said things like that to him, and he basically told him to be a man about it and stop hiding behind mommy's apron strings, actually invited my son to hit him. I have been dealing with it because I thought that maybe just maybe he was right, and the kids will be leaving someday. But their are still the verbal attacks on me that I am worried about. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he has agreed to try to control himself, and he does for a little while, but eventually it all comes back, and once again when I try to say something, he says he's afraid to say anything

for fear I will get mad at him. A lot of times he will say something to try to hurt me out of the blue, when theres no argument going on or anything. He has of course told his family and friends how messed up I have made his life, all his problems are because of me, but he loves me and is commited to making our marriage work. So of course all they see is this hardworking solid citizen who loves his wife so much he deal with anything.
He won't go to counciling, he thinks that as long as I play by his rules(the only right rules) and the kids move out, we will be fine. He says were soulmates

Answer 1

Ok, forst if you love him and he loves you then it is worth trying everything, first try talking to him about the problems, if that does not work try counseling. Believe me I know divorce is the last option. Try everything you can before it comes to that. Good luck, I will be praying for you.

Answer 2

Your husband is a male chauvinist, and it sounds like he suffers from bipolar disorder, if not schizophrenia. The statement "He seems to think that the kids and I are constantly out to get him" is classic paranoid schizophrenia, and there is treatment for it. You may have some emotional problems yourself, such as codependency and masochism.

I am not a doctor and I have not examined your family, so you need to get a professional opinion on this, but I think you are dealing with two things: mental illness, and a failure to communicate.

Do not even think about divorce until you deal with those two issues. Your kids will thank you if you work to stay together. Well, they probably won't actually thank you (that would be a first), but they will be a lot better off.

Also, get some help with your special needs child - you should be able to get this for free. Special needs, death, and permanent injury of a child can really hurt a marriage - most of the time when these things happen, you see the marriage end within 5 years. That doesn't mean that you can't beat those odds... you could be stronger than 90% of the other people out there. These issues are very hard, but not impossible.

Good luck to you!

Answer 3

Personally I think divorce should be the last option. By the sounds of things, its been 25 yrs of this treatment and you have let him get away with it without any consequences (im sure I dont know everything though). Its sounds like you 2 really love each other and have a very passionate relationship... when its good, its really good and when bad, really bad! I think he has potential to change! He is abusive but not in an extreme way! Its all bad though! He loves you and that gives him potential to change. My 12 yr boyfriend treated me like that! Verbal abuse, walking on egg shells because of the mood swings etc. I finally left cause I could not take it any more. I stayed away for 1 miserable year! I wanted to be with him! I came back, with counceling for us both. I think he realized at that point that I wasnt gonna put up with it, I showed him in that 1year that I was strong enough to take care of me and my kids and walk away and have no contact! We have been back together for 2 years and things are great and im reluctant to say there great cause Im still working on trusting him with my heart etc. If you cant take anymore and you feel like you have fought hard enough for this marriage, then walk away! But if you love him and he loves you its worth fighting for!! Good luck! We have alot in common! Happy Anniversary!

Answer 4

Sounds like he is a control freak. Nothing will change. even if the kids move out, he will remain the same and you will never be able to do anythign right. He will always say whatever he has to say to keep you under his control and everyone else on his side. By doing this you he thinks you will not have the strength to stand on your own. I say prove him wrong. Leave him. If he does anything physical, go to the hospital and have it medically documented and then get the police involved. I ahve seen this kind of thing enough to know it will just get worse.

Answer 5

Oh boy!! Darling, no body's perfect but this guy is not giving you space to breathe, and since it's 25 years almost, I don't think talking to him will work since you probably can't even get him to listen to you, am I right? I think that leaves, writing him a long heartfelt letter and counseling! Good Luck and happy anniversary

Answer 6

He is a textbook case of an abuser. The best thing you can do is to get away from him. You are working and if you need to get any financial help from your working children, they might be able to lend a hand.

Your husband is controlling and abusive to you. He puts you down and accuses you of using him. Everything you say points to abuse. You and your children are being hurt by him and his actions. You should send all of your children to therapists. Boys witnessing such abuse repeat it with their wives and girls look for abusive husbands.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 7

He has control problems, gotta be the king of his castle. Yes, he might provide for you and take care of you, but you're being abused mentally and don't know it. It wouldn't hurt for you guys to get counseling so you can make it another 25 years. Happy Anniversary early!

Answer 8

You need counseling to tell you how to deal with him. Knowledge is your best defense. Marriage counseling just for you if he won't go and get your self a book on co dependency.

Answer 9

Oh, my God! This guy is really bad news! Get away from him. You can call a hotline for abused spouses and maybe go to the shelter. Whatever legal actions you take, do something and fast! It is not going to end. End the marraige.

Answer 10

He sounds like a controlling jerk. I would tell him that there needs to be a lot of life style changes or things might take a bad turn.