help me plz!!!!!!!!!!! yikes!!!!! 1st timei'm 27 & my fiancee is 27. we met online a year & a half ago &?

Question

got engaged october of last year. i moved 1000 across the country last year to live with her mom & her temporarily until we got our own place. its been 6 months & unfortunately i have had surgery, missed time from work , & have had to deal with her 2 kids (7 & 4) giving me no respect & they hit me even though i've tried to be there for them. when i tell her of this she blows it off like its nothing. she ever wants to talk to me alone about the other issues we have in our relationship. she has blown her money & is now broke. it seems like its nt important. their father lives in town & never sees them. she wants to get married before we move into our own place. i want to get our own place first & solve our probs before we get married. she's mad about that. deep down inside i feel she just wants me to be a stand in dad & be "just the husband." i thought she wanted to be with me when i decided to move down there. i'm so sad & hurt. what should i do--- leave her or try to work it out?

got engaged october of last year. i moved 1000 across the country last year to live with her mom & her temporarily until we got our own place. its been 6 months & unfortunately i have had surgery, missed time from work , & have had to deal with her 2 kids (7 & 4) giving me no respect & they hit me even though i've tried to be there for them. when i tell her of this she blows it off like its nothing. she ever wants to talk to me alone about the other issues we have in our relationship. she has blown her money & is now broke. it seems like its nt important. their father lives in town & never sees them. she wants to get married before we move into our own place. i want to get our own place first & solve our probs before we get married. she's mad about that. deep down inside i feel she just wants me to be a stand in dad & be "just the husband." i thought she wanted to be with me when i decided to move down there. i'm so sad & hurt. what should i do--- leave her or try to work it out?

Answer 1

You need to stand your ground and follow your gut. If you marry her, the problems won't go away, they might get worse. If she really loves you, she should understand your feelings and not push you into anything until you're ready.

Answer 2

Relationships should have give and take from both people. In this situation you are the one doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. You didnt move 1000 miles to be a babysitter to some nanny 911 kids.

You already have the right solution, but she is unwilling to do the right thing. You should get back on your feet, have firm financial ground, and then get a home and move out. After that you guys can plan the wedding and feel secure in knowing you are a team. I can tell you love her, but I dont think her love for you is as strong if she cant even talk to you about all of this.

I think you should stand your ground, and if she wont work 50/50 on this relationship with you then I think you should leave her. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Answer 3

Do you love her? I mean, really truly 100% sure love her? If not, don't waste time with this. You're too young to be getting into this mess if you aren't sure. My guess is that since you didn't sound too sure, you probably aren't that much in love as you thought you were.

I'm about your age and just came out of a bad marriage that I got into because I felt like once we were engaged it was the right thing to do, even though we were already fighting badly before the wedding.

Well I learned the hard way that nothing changes magically by getting married. Now after a messy divorce and getting on the hook paying alimony, I'm wishing I had realized what I was getting into beforehand. Don't even think about bringing another kid into the world until you're sure this is right. Otherwise you'll be really locked in.

The kids sound like little bastards and I wouldn't have much interest in raising another man's kids if they were that bad. I'd say run pal unless you really can't see yourself happy without her. You're still very young and there's a lot of other fish out there in the sea.

Answer 4

You need to leave and get your life back on track. If she is blowing money, not willing to talk about the problems you have and not trying to teach her kids respect for you. I don't see this being a good marriage. I can't see any reason why a real man should be living with someone else parents anyway. Both of you need to regroup and get your own lives together. Since the kids does not respect you and neither does she, you should keep your opinions to yourself when it come to her kids and the whereabouts of their dad. You will only be a provider and to some women... it doesn't matter what the situation is, they just want to get married. If I was her, I would be concern about meeting you on line, you moving in with my mom and my kids, now you're unemployed and there's no money to find our own space. Marriage is the last thing you should be thinking of.

Answer 5

That's a hard situation to be in. From what you're saying, she doesn't put anything into your relationship...or that's how it's coming across. Do you find yourself really in love with her or do you just not want to be alone? Taking on someone else's kids is hard enough and then you have to add in the fact that the dad isn't there for them and they are rude to you. Are you having second thoughts, unhappy, feeling alone? These are things to think about, do you want to feel like that for the rest of your life? If you can't get her to talk to you about your relationship how are you supposed to fix it? Many people will answer your question & try to tell you what to do, but unless we're in your relationship we really don't know the answer...life is hard, but I think you'll figure out what is best for you...and don't freak out thinking you might make the wrong decision, if you break up then you might meet someone better for you & if you stay together but you're still unhappy you can still leave her...you're still young, you have plenty of time to live life! Hope it all works out for you, you seem like a nice person.

Answer 6

First off you are the only one who can fix this situation. She can either work with you as the wife to be or you be OUT. She has no care nor love for you at all and her kids do not either. You can not be a husband and father to her kids with them both treating you this way. You gave up everything to be with her and this is how she apppreciate you no do not stand there and allow her to control you at all. She wants things to go her way you are the MAN so start to stand your ground and act like one. Put your foot down and let her know how you feel make it clear that things are to change or you are OUT!!! If she still does not respond then you get your things and come to my hometown I will show you how a WOMAN should treat you. HEHE!! Kidding!! But you put an end to this mistreat that she is doing to you and long as you let her do it she will continue to if she is not trying to listen to you now if you stay it will not change she it too set in her ways at home with mom. YOU STEP UP AND OUT!!! Follow your heart it will not lead you wrong. You deserve someone who will respect you and treat you right, do not marry her at all she can not talk to you and work things out and do what you want then leave her right there where you found her seems like she has no goals she is comfortable where she is do not allow her to bring you down at all. YOu are a great man free yourself so your real queen can find you. YOU DESERVE A LOT MORE!!!

Answer 7

Dude you need to get outta there and get outta there quick. Hello, are you there?? Why aren't you packing ?? The kids don't respect you and probably never will. It sounds like she's made her decision to be with you because she sees you and (no offense) a sucker. Some women can see a guys kindness and take it for weakness. Ask the ladies on here. Don't be foolish, just leave. You said her baby daddy lives in town. You caught yourself in some baby mama drama and are looking for a justifiable reason to stay. Well there are none. What do you ladies think?

Answer 8

You should pack your bags and leave. This is one of the worst internet situations I have ever heard of. It is a mess and it won't get better. Not only will you be dealing with her and the kids but also the father of the kids. You have given it six months, now escape before she is pregnant with your baby and you will be wound into this bad relationship the rest of your life. She is just looking for a replacement "Daddy" for the kids and will tolerate you as the husband for that reason. Pack your bags and leave today while you still have the chance. And stay off the internet for finding love.

Answer 9

Run mate like you have never run before.There is a trap waiting to be sprung in this one.Don't get snared.I understand the pain you must feel at this time but the pain and sadness will pass and you will come out of it a wiser and better person.Internet is not the place to find love.I have a son your age has been bitten a few times by looking for it there,but he even got rid of his computer so as it wont happen again.Good luck to you

Answer 10

If you get married you will be unhappy. Don't sweep these types of issues under the rug. If you marry her, you'll have to deal with those kids & she will still not communicate with you effectively. Effective communication is key when married. Seems she just wants to be married. You need to marry for love not for the sake of being married. If she is not willing to talk things through before marriage, then you may need to let go and move on..Getting married won't solve any problems.

Answer 11

Leave her. You already know the problems and you are absolutely inundated by them - and your answer is to live together? Since when was playing house beneficial to solving problems so that when you get married, you won't have problems anymore?
You're simply afraid to break up with the woman. You met online and you based the engagement and moving on a lot of things that don't have anything to do with what you are experiencing now. Time to realize that communicating online is not like being together in real life.
The woman has blown all her money - on what? and is broke. You think that is something you could have foreseen from an online romance? If you believe that, then you are ripe for the further lie that living together and playing house is going to be a way for you to 'foresee' any problems you might have in marriage.
She has little kids and little kids who are 7 and 4 who hit you are throwing you for a loop? Get real. She is going to have other problems with children as they grow older. That is simply nothing as far as physical abuse goes - but something as far as an indication of their resentment of you goes.
You marry someone usually when you think you might have your own children with them. Tell me that every single 'fiancee' on Answers who's been having child after child out of wedlock while 'playing house' is really still in the process of passing the parenting test! Honest to God, I think they probably believe that at some level.
Like they will earn that marriage license someday when they have proven themselves to be competent mothers!
Spare this woman your idea of trial marriage and get out now. You're too frightened by all the things she presents to you as a mate. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you've made a mistake. Moving 1000 miles means nothing in this discussion. You could have moved 100 miles and you'd still be in the situation knowing it is wrong for you.
Stop feeling guilty, fess up to not wanting to commit. Put away that stupid pipe dream of living with this woman and her children while you get some free sex out of it and she tries to figure out why you are so confused. It's not fair to her and her kids. Of course they need a dad, duh.
You get someone to play wife to you whom you don't even want to marry knowing what you know. I don't call that love. I call that exploitation of her situation. She's not perfect, no. But you really are complaining about basically being shortchanged and still wanting all that free nookie while you two tussle over 'her problems.'