Daughter's Privacy?

Question

Would love answers from all age groups so please state your age and # of children. I have a myspace page and so does my daughter, I went to go read her page today and she covered the screen and said, "why do YOU have to read it?!?" She has always been like this and I assumed it was because she has something to hide that she is embarrassed about. BUT she knows that I already know about her, and after I read it, THERE WAS NOTHING to hide, and all she said was that she was embarrassed about cursing and that's why!!! I already know about that and way way more so what is the problem? Why does she post something for EVERYONE TO READ but then doesn't want ME to read it? SHE has always been like this....it's like she doesn't want to share her life with me. :( I already know how teens are and I wouldn't be shocked about anything and she knows that! She also KNOWS that she wouldn't get "in trouble" for anything. Question for adults: Talk to me about how much privacy you think a teen should have.

She added me as a friend to her myspace page, I was on MY myspace page and went to her page from mine. I was not keeping tabs on her or snooping. She is 17 and I'm transitioning into the "friend" instead of "parent" stage....but she wants me to be EVEN LESS than a friend. I'm very hurt by this but she has been this way for a long time. Another question: Why is it that as a parent you are expected to totally support your older teen and they only use you for what you can give them and then don't want to spend time with you or involve you in their life? Should you make them spend time with you? <---I listened to the advice of an expert and he said yes you should, but I have serious doubts.
Last week, by accident I caught her cheating on her boyfriend. Then when I told her that it was wrong, she asks me, "Why do you care?!?" In other words, "BUTT OUT!" Should we as parents butt out? and does the child really mean this, because if I did butt out, then I'd be accused of not caring.

Answer 1

I'm 54 with two daughters (26 & 25). She is posting in a public forum. There is no expectation of privacy. If she doesn't want you to read her material, she should not be posting it in the open.

You might remind her that her posts ARE public and that many people are now looking at them. Her school administration, college admission officers, and potential employers now routinely check out a prospect's Myspace page. Anything she posts may be used against her.

Answer 2

Hi I am 33 w/4 children. My oldest is 13. Well, by today's standards we are pretty strict. But we have had many talks this year with her. Communication is big. She may not like to hear our explanations,but she sits there anyway. We do not allow her to be on my space or the Internet in private because I believe that there are a lot of predators out there. When she first got on the Internet at the beginning of last year on instant messaging she was being hit on by tons of men and supposedly young guys. It was ridiculous. Her dad got on there posing as her and couldn't even keep up with ALL the people contacting her within a 5 min. time period. She is allowed to email from my email address, this way I can see what goes in and out. She respects it now, she didn't like it before. But this is our house and our rules. We are here to protect our children. Yes, I trust her. I just don't trust the sick people in the world. One day she will have kids and do the same thing. My mom was the same way, although at the time I thought she was way too nosey. I appreciate the fact now that she cared soooo much. I love her for it today! I am here to be a parent not a friend. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

I'm 24, and I have no children of my own, but I am not that far away from my former teenage years. I think that it is a privacy issue in that no teen wants their mother keeping tabs on them. My aunt has a myspace page and so does my 17 year old cousin. My aunt got the page to keep tabs on her daughter, even though my cousin is as good a kid as they come. Being that your daughter is still at that age where she isn't mature (just look how she responded), rest assured that myspace takes precautions. No one under the age of 16 can have a page for public view. Anyone under that age has a setting that only allows friends to read it. So it isn't for EVERYONE to read, just those who she has listed on myspace as her friend.

I agree that while parents should take an active role in monitoring their child's internet activity, I do have a problem with parents snooping. If she doesn't want you looking at her page, and she has never given you reason not to trust her, then I think you should give her her space. My parents always trusted me to make my own decisions about things because they knew that if I ever had a problem I would come to them for help.

It isn't that she doesn't want to share her life with you, its just a teen thing. She doesn't want you finding things out and judging her for them. I think you should give her the privacy she wants (within reason)... if anything major happens, I am sure she will tell you.

Answer 4

I'm nearly 41 years old & have a 21 year old son & a 1 year old grandson.

I think teenagers need lots of privacy & should be given this out of respect. Anything she writes in her diary, her school books, letters to & from friends, chat on the internet etc, is her private business. Obviously if she was brought home by the police one evening & refused to tell you why, that would be different. But her bedroom, her diary & her personal time with her friends is her private space. She has already answered your question for you. She has nothing to hide. She just wants some privacy. There's nothing funny going on. Its just the way teenagers are.

Good luck, I know it's not easy!

Answer 5

I'm a 25 year-old woman. My mom is only 20 years younger than me. When I was growing up I was like your daughter. I kept things from my mom (nothing serious of course) and she read my journal, this was pre-myspace of course. I was very upset and quit writing in it...
Anyway, it is perfectly ok for you to look at her myspace, she could always set it to private if she wants but she shouldn't be mad about you looking at something that everyone in the world has access to. She IS a teenager and they get very upset about the most ridiculous things. Just let her know she can talk to you about everything.
My mom did and we are very close now. I talk to her everyday and consider her my best friend. You daughter will grow up too! Good luck.

Answer 6

When you think of your children you need to examine the big picture. Over time are you giving them more responsibility or less? As they grow and move on they need more and more responsibility and independence. If you feel you are being singled out or left out than that is on you - not her. We choose our reactions and emotions and if you choose to become upset or bothered then you really are doing it to yourself. She has to change and grow and you really should let her. Never assume anything and the more you press the more she will run the other way. Allow her more independance but keep in the background as a person she can talk to and lean on. Over time your family dynamics will change and you have to adapt with it or it causes conflict.
I am a 27 year old family social worker in a non-profit organization that helps high-risk families.

Answer 7

Mid thirty and three children. I feel My Space is a the worst thing you can allow your child to go on. There are alot of perverts out there, who can't wait to get there hands on children. What I did with my teenage daughter account I was able to guess her password to her Yahoo account, then I went to My Space and pressed on "forgot password". The password is then sent to her Yahoo account, so now you have both passwords. Teenager usually have some sort of character they adore that's usually the password--pay close attention to what she does, you should be able to pick up on it. Also, try DOB, if she has a bf, the bf's DOB--it not hard. Just don't give up. I don't know how old your daughter is but My Space is very dangerous. Whatever you do, don't tell her and remember to trash the password request--that very important, because if she finds it, she going to be on to you . Good Luck! If have any questions feel free to email me.

Answer 8

Parent of two boys now 21 and 25. Privacy issues have not even surfaced in our home. I think it is an attitude that you have to build in the children as they are growing that they are yours because you made them and they do not have any privacy at all unless you give it to them. Then give them a lot of privacy, but do nto allow locks on any doors and do not allow them to set the rules of privacy even for them selves. You as the parent are there to help them with any problems that you see them having and they do not have a choice in the matter. You set that tone and then you allow them space until you suspect a danger and then you take over and you simple do not tolerate any rule making on their part. They must allow your access as you decide is necessary.

This is what you do while the child is very young then as they get older you give them more privacy, but you take it away from them as you see fit. You never allow them to keep you from their diary, their computer files, their letters, their anything unless you give them that privelege and you let them know it by your authority alone that you are giving them that privacy and that it can be taken away by you as you see fit at any time for any reason without their permission no matter what. Then as they get older you give them more privacy but always reserve the right to review any and every behavior as you see fit. Now when they get 18 or older and they need more privacy and become mature enough to handle things safely on their own you give them more and more autonomy until they have complete privacy by the time they are completely grown up.

From birth they have only the rights that you as a good parent give them and as a good parent you will give them all the rights they need when they need it, but you will always have their best interests at heart and it is you who knows best for them. They should be taught this and you should live up to your side of the bargain and be a good parent and protect them. But remember their privacy is totally up to you not them.

Now if you have already allowed them too much privacy you just have to take it back. BUt that will be a struggle. Do it sooner rather than later. Make the rules about what they can have as private and what they can not have. And then enforce those rules. Take the computer away from them if you have to. Take phones away. Even take the doors away if it goes that far. They must not set these rules themselves. They must not be allowed to think they can keep something from you if you think they should not or it if it could be against the law or hurt them in any way. They do not have any right to privacy unless you give it too them. Now give them plenty of privacy but only as you see fit and only if they are mature enough to handle it without danger to themselves. Make that clear to them.