what do i do about a cultural and intellectual difference between myself and my husband?

Question

my husband is a truly wonderful person extemely loving and affectionate and will do anything to please me. however, at times i feel frustrated by our cultural and intellectual differences. i am american and am currently in college with a strong inclination toward the pursuit of knowledge, while my husband is israeli with a limited knowledge of the american lifestyle and ways of getting around. he has only been here six months, speaks a pretty decent english (having learnt it before) and is certainly attempting to learn more. however what do i do with the frustrations of always having to coach him and teach him everything that is so basic to me which feels like im teaching a five year old. i want to feel like he can take care of me rather me of him. its hard to be so patient all the time and to have to explain to him what i expect as an american girl such as a birthday gift and to be taken out...he is a wonderful husband though, really decent man, and i know hell be a wonderful father

Answer 1

Seriously, you need to put yourself in his shoes. You need to realise that what's basic and simple to you, is very foreign and different to him. You CANNOT pick up a whole new language and lifestyle in 6 months. I know you may be frustrated, but imagine how much more frustrated he is with himself because he cannot quite grasp your style of living in the time you would like him to. He's not used to your way of life, but he is trying. Ease up and give the guy a break.

Answer 2

You have to have patience. If it wasn't an arranged marriage you should have some inclination of what you would have to go through if you married this man. As long as there is communication and an intent to grow you should let things grow at there pace.

In a marriage the two people have to grow together. One should not believe he/she is better than the other. For better or worse remember. You may want to remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love with him and not focus on his limited knowledge of the English language and American culture.

I've had many lovers of various countries and I've always felt a sort of pride teaching them some things about the American culture and the things we celebrate and even our little idioms.

Answer 3

It sounds as if he has the qualities most women would die for. You have to be more understanding with him and your cultural differences. Just imagine how difficult it is for him to be in America. He must be experiencing a culture shock with everything he is seeing and hearing, his culture is not accustom to soooo much freedom. He is obviously open to change since he married you. Please remember that a relationship is a two way street and you need to communicate with each other to come to an understanding of each others wants and needs. When speaking to him, remember that he is a man and try not to talk to him as if he's a 5 year old. The English language has many different meanings...remember to be patient. Good luck and enjoy your husband.

Answer 4

Hey...you married a foreigner. You can't tell me that this problem never even entered your mind. The mere fact that you yourself admit he's working hard at it shows he's trying to get up to speed. Yet you feel at times it's like teaching a 5 year old. You should thank Christ he at least speaks English and isn't speaking Hebrew instead.
So...you want him to act American? Then you're going to have to take him by the hand and show him.
Be thankful he doesn't beat you and that he hasn't the Middle Eastern mentaility (exclusively found within every enemy country surrounding Israel) where you as a female are held in the same ranking as a goat or automobile that he owns and have as much say as they do in the daily affairs of your husband and finances.

Answer 5

And you didn't know all of this before you married this man?

Hon, marriages that are the most successful and the most loving are between people who are very much alike, not between two who are very different.

But....... If the only problem that you have with your feelings toward him are his lack of English, that is small. But if you are far, far apart in your ideas of how $$ should be spend, your politics, your religion, your intelligence level, your abilities to negotiate differences without rage and without stomping on the other's ego, then your relationship will simply build resentment, and it will be over. Marriages/relationships are admiration, respect, passion and trust, and up front with the first two are all sorts of sub-sets that I just mentioned. Most counselors will tell you that 3 of the 4 will keep a relationship alive, but I know that few relationships survive beyond 2 years with betrayal (trust).

If you married for some one to take care of you, your expectations with anyone will be disappointing... You're a big girl, and ought to be able to take care of yourself, your household, and should you so choose, your children, all by yourself. You husband ought to be viewed as your companion, your lover, and for sure your best friend. If there are things that you wish changed, I'd suggest the two of you see a counselor for an hour and discuss how to get issues out on the table that concern you. If you truly care for this man, he needs to know that resentment on your part is building.... in his place, wouldn't you wish to know???? and indeed, he may as well be harboring resentments because for sure your attitude is probably beginning to show... He may not be able to think in English, hon, but he does indeed think... and to be regarded by one's spouse as a "five year old" is a cut, big time.

I hope this helps.....

Answer 6

The only thing you can do is help him through. You love him and have chosen him and it seems that you don't want to change that. But as far as your frustrations go... you need to come up with a way to make teaching him fun. Maybe come up with some game where every time you teach him something knew he has to do something for you. And every time he puts his new found knowledge into action, he gets something from you. (This could easily be a game for the bedroom). This way teaching him becomes something that rewards the both of you.

Answer 7

Sometimes the real test of a marriage is the first few years to adjust to one another, I feel for you both, I was born and raise in Israel as well, and, to be honest with you, although my English was always up to par, it was tremendously difficult to adjust to life in North America, in a sense that Israel is very small and in many many ways very European. I lived in Canada for 14 years, and am living in the US now for two. My partner is a Dr. and I am an artist. I had no family in either country, so I pretty much had to survive on my own. Your husband is lucky to have you. He will adjust, believe me, and just understand that it's quite a shock to move from one place to another, both on different sides of the spectrum. Try to learn about his background and welcome him into yours. Being different can offer you an interesting advantage, and pretty soon you will become a great team. Good Luck and Shalom.

Answer 8

I think you want too much.
You are taking too much responsibility on yourself---he is not an extension of you, and you can't control what he does.

You are exhausting yourself "staging" some sort of perfect marriage, instead of spending your time and energy on your college courses, where they should be right now.
He is not your puppet----YOU are your puppet. Look at what you can do to improve you, instead of changing the subject to him all the time, to distract yourself from what you should be.

Answer 9

i think you should be more patient. obviously its going to be difficult for him. its not like he moved from california to new jersey, he moved to a completely different culture, language and political system. really, you sound like a bad wife. you should have know he was going to have to adjust big time... 6 months is not a long time when you are adapting to a new lifestyle... shame on you!

Answer 10

He has been here 6 months, not 6 years. Rome was not built in a day. Persevere and pray.