Questions for divorced, split up or separated people only?

Question

After your break up, did you blame the other person for everything or did you look at yourself and tried focusing on what you've done wrong that played a part in the break up? Even though you felt that the other person was the primary reason for the break up. Did you make a promise to yourself that all you've done in the previous relationship that was not helpful would not be repeated in the new relationship? There's not a single relationship where one person is perfect. The break up may have been 80% that persons fault and 20% yours. Do you feel that you have to improve yourself so that in the next relationship, your 20% will be gone. Where does pointing fingers get you? Nowhere.

Answer 1

That's a loaded posting, but here goes.

Yes, in looking back, I was able to acknowledge and accept my part of blame for my divorce. Yes, I do everything possible to avoid this from happening again, but I also have learned to accept that not everyone is compatable with one another.

Fingers pointed at me (myself) because I wasn't willing to stand up for myself...I knew right from wrong, but I always let him talk me out of 'being me'.

When we decided to divorce (it was a joint decision), we had been in therapy. But when the divorce began, he became more angry and pointed fingers of blame on me. It wasn't a situation I where I could convince him he was wrong, so it was easier to just allow his anger. Eventually, we became friends, which I will always be greatful for.

Answer 2

I am in the same situation. My wife left out of the blue. I thought we were happy but she always thought the grass is greener somewhere else. I know her leaving and not wanting to work things out was her problem but it still really stings. I can't help but feel like I am the one who is flawed and that I am the one who has to work on my 20%. I think she thinks she is perfect. Funny thing is I was the one keeping us together, I was the one working hard, and I was the one who was content with what I had. The answer is yes...I do feel I need to improve myself even more so that this NEVER happens again and if it does, I'll just be that much stronger. Finger pointing feels good for a sec, but youre right, it doesn't get you anywhere.

Answer 3

there is always two sides to every story therefore there are two realities as far as what went wrong. i think when you first divorce people sometimes go into the "helpless victim mode" and feel like they have to blame the other person for everything. nobody is perfect. but i think if a person does not make a commitment to healing and learning from the experience, then they will likely just continue to think it was the other person's fault. insecurity lets you think you had no part in it. sometimes your part may have been unintentional or subconscious but your part was in there somewhere. rather than blaming, focus on making yourself the best person you can be.

Answer 4

I think its natural to blame the other person at least at first. People don't seem to understand that getting over a marriage can take years. At some point when its not so painful, reflection comes naturally and a mature person is able to see what their part was in it. I think its imperative to get to this point before you get into another relationship because more likely you will pick exactly the same kind of person as you failed with before. Counseling helps alot of people but just being honest with yourself is the key. Frankly after a marriage is over, who really cares who's fault it is, its over, it failed. What you have to do is concentrate on how to not repeat it, and admitting your failings is the first step.

Answer 5

I tried 2 blame him but I knew I was at fault 2. We were married 2 young and had a lot of growing up 2 do. I mean, sometimes I think that if I had been a better wife he wouldn't have cheated on me. Then I think, he would've cheated on me anyway b/c that's the type of guy he was. I spent a lot of time w/ my girlfriends hanging out, drinking and didn't make myself available 2 him. So, it was pretty tit for tat.

Answer 6

pointing fingers gets u no where in any situation.....up until this last disaster i have managed to stay best friends with a man i shared 10 yrs of my life with and actually with anyone i have ever dated or spent significant time with i dont think that just because you grew apart or can no longer live together that you have to hate one another....to me love is for life and best friends and confidantes are precious and rare i made a bad judgement call in marraige however, i still say it was my poor judgement mine just walked out poof gone didnt hear from him until over 2 years later ...so i questioned everything i did said had didnt have got very ill...drank alot partied alot and cried all the time....and then became aware of a few things...we had lived together 3 yrs b4 i married him we married 7 mths later gone his wife b4 me they had lived together for 6 yrs they married and 9mths later he was gone same with the first wife as well and then come to find out there had been even a anullement in between wife 1 and 3 i was actually number 4 so that has helped somewhat...funny thing is this week he shows up telling me how he never said he wanted a divorce from me course i assumed when he disappeared for 2 yrs that pretty much said it but i am also a blonde so guess i could have misunderstood his absence lol

i believe that some just are not compatible...that doesnt make anyone right or wrong...it just means they are not the one....i have so very many faults and issues and but luckily now i have been blessed with a man strong enough and beautiful enough to love me in spite of them....for the one who wants to walk away i just have to know that simply
it aint me babe......but there will be someone for that person somewhere that he wont want to leave as there is someone for me who wants to stay....
but it very well could just be it aint the one....ever hear that johnny and june carter cash song (well dylan wrote it)
but i love that song ...it aint me babe no no no it aint me your looking for ...babe

Answer 7

its a true fact that people just get tired of each other and theres nobody to blame, you could be a mute and your relationship still wouldnt work out after time , just like rod steward said years ago treat them like a lease every 2 years trade them in and get a new one so this way you could never get tired of them and allways keep it fresh and new ,, the man has a point ,

Answer 8

i looked back on what the issues were..where i was at fault and where she was at fault. your right, pointing fingers gets you nowhere...i know when my wife(to be ex) and i talk on the phone, we still continue to want to blame one another...

i did promise myself if i ever get into another relationship, not to make the same mistakes.....

Answer 9

Poor Man, I did both. I realized that we both contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I believe there are things that my ex-wife needs to work on to make her next relationship/marriage work, but I can't do that for her. I can only work on myself. And I am trying.

Hopefully, after the dust finally settles, I can remain friends with my ex-wife (even after the pain she has caused by her ongoing affair).

Answer 10

I think you've answered whatever your question is. Most don't look at their own part, and they need to. so I guess what I'm saying is that i agree with you.
blessed be