We have been dating for 9 months and have been engaged for 3 months. I have fairly extensive assests in a home and retirement plans, and she has very few assets with no retirement funds. She has been divorced twice and I am a widower. I love her very much, but I am concerned about protecting what I have worked my life for if things don't work out in the future. I have an 18-year-old son by my late wife, and she has 15- and 17-year-old sons from her first marriage. Any advice on how to approach this subject without totally freaking her out?
2007-06-22 04:25:09 · 7 answers · asked by Lost_in_love55555 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Oh boy, this is hard!
Let me say that I've dealt with this many times.
The fact that she's been divorced twice is very telling.
I really believe in behavior patterns. Are you sure you want to marry someone who has been so unsuccessful in long-term relationships????
First and foremost - you need to protect yourself, so regardless, you MUST have a prenup at your stage of life.
I would advise you to enter couples counseling on the pretext of talking out some our your anxieties about marriage. You can even say, that you were devastated after the death of your first wife and your very scared about marriage.
Also - I really think you should wait another year or so before getting married. Live with her for a while, see if you truly get along before taking the plunge.
And whatever else you do - don't get married cause you're lonely. She might be a looker and great as someone you are dating... but is she really worth all that money you are going to lose...hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not more?) when she leaves you.
Also - really figure out what happened with her other 2 marriages before you tie the knot - you can do this in counseling.
Oh boy - be careful - and remember - she's been married, unsuccessfully, TWICE before.
Get smart!!!!!! and Good Luck!!!!!!!!
2007-06-22 04:40:48 · answer #1 · answered by KI557 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't mean to be rude but why marry the lady if your looking for the worse case scenario?
Ok. When my Grandmother passed away, 50 years they were married, my Grandfather married her sister (they were married close to 20 years when he passed away) it was discussed with their respective children that what was his going into the marriage went to his kids, what is hers goes to her children. No problem. Of course their kids were well into their 50's and above. Since Annie is still alive the money is there for her to live off of.
If I was soon-to-be your wife (which BTW I am engaged to a twice divorced man, 2 sons, no real assests... where as, I have money invested, life insurance on myself and own property, 2 girls & 5 Grandkids) I would like very much to sit down and talk like 2 adults would that cared very much for one another and laid it all out on the table, so to say. I WANT to know where I stand in the whole picture as to wishes and desires. Because your planning on getting married a rough draft of personal property and accounts and investments outlined and agreed upon and then taken to a lawyer to have drawn up so there will be no questions later on or disagreements with anyone over who gets what. Remember, things can be changed at any time there is a need to do so (my line of work actually). But to have someone draw up a prenuptial and then handing it to her just seems so cold and heartless too me. If she can not agree to your distributions of your estate then maybe the wedding needs to be reevaluated, after all it is YOU she is marrying, not your money, Right?
2007-06-22 04:53:23 · answer #2 · answered by sassywv 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Yeah. I would just lay it out as you've done here. You're smart to protect yourself. She doesn't have a good track record. I would tell her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her but you have to protect yourself and your son. Explain to her that the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is higher than for 1st marriages. Hopefully she won't freak. I reiterate though, do not marry her without the pre-nup.
2007-06-22 04:42:18 · answer #3 · answered by Ronin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just b straight out about it. Then tell her that thru ur marriage that u will make sure that any assets that u accrue together will b parceled out fairly among her children. That way u can look out 4 ur son and her children won't be discluded in being taken care of in the event of either of ur deaths.
2007-06-22 04:32:58 · answer #4 · answered by Misty D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you can tell her: I have financial plans for my son and I know you understand that what I have worked is for him. So What ever we work together is for US, what I worked before is for him. That way she will show you if she really loves you or want you for money ;) Good luck
2007-06-22 04:35:32 · answer #5 · answered by Marquel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just say, "What do you think of prenups?"
Then ask her, "What about our situation?"
Did you think its fair that I retain possession of what I have earned?
How would you like it written, remember a prenup would also have to be agreeable to you as well.
Then tell her, "I don't think I could honestly go into a marriage without one."
The whole conversation is hinting at a future, but also just picking her brain on her thoughts.
2007-06-22 05:05:16 · answer #6 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should ask a professional seeing that they have experience with this subject.
2007-06-23 07:15:21 · answer #7 · answered by dorwin29 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋