Our marriage of 6 years has been rocky off and on, but the last couple years the best yet. My husbands makes an excellent living while I gave up my career to care for our baby who is now 2. Six weeks ago he insisted I go back to work so we can better prepare for the future and so the baby can go to daycare and be around other kids. This has caused a major rift. He spends money excessively and I resent I have to go back. I wanted to return to my career in 2-3 years when the baby starts school. We agreed on these family values before we even got married. Now that the rug has been pulled out from under me I'm at a loss...devastated that I return to work in August and will have limited time with my daughter. We fight constantly and have discussed divorce many times. Counseling doesn't seem to be helping. His family values have changed and he admits it. He tells me things change and I need to just deal with it. I'm emotional about leaving the baby and have lost trust in him.
2007-06-22 03:12:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow that's tough. Is something going on at his work and maybe he isn't feeling as secure as he used. It also sounds like maybe he doesn't want the relationship to work, if he isn't trying to compromise. There has to be some underlying reason for this change in his behavior. Hopefully continue counseling couples and individual will help.
And remember if it doesn't cause you to divorce it will only make the marriage stronger.
2007-06-22 03:27:11 · answer #1 · answered by ofsoundmind 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An extremely troubled marriage is not always destined for divroce. But if counseling doesn't help and someone changes and tries to just leave it at that, then you've got a problem. In your husband's defense, wanting you to go back to work when your kid is 2 is not that unreasonable, and you may be overreacting. Of everything you say here, however, there are two things that do catch my eye: the fact that your husband spends money excessively, and the fact that he thinks you should "just deal with it." Those are the roots of your problem right there. Sounds to me like your husband is being very selfish and immature.
If you really want to make this work, then I suggest that you both try marriage counseling together again... but get a different counselor. All counselors are not the same, and perhaps a different angle might help you see what is up. If he won't go, then go yourself. It will really open your eyes. There has GOT to be a compromise here somewhere, or an underlying problem that you two need to uncover. The excessive spending problem is a good place to start.
If your husband is completely inflexible, though, then I reluctantly have to say that maybe divorce IS the answer for you. It sucks, but it happens. It is not your fault. It is better to get a divorce now while your child is young than when they are older and will try too hard to understand something that has nothing to do with them. If you stay in a bad relationship, though, your child will only learn what a bad relationship is like, and that will not bode well for them in the future. I'll tell you one thing: your husband will wish he had been more sensitive and mature when he's shelling out child support. Then you can teach your child how to take care of themselves and that a person should not have to put up with abuse or mistreatment. That said, getting a divorce will mean you going back to work, too. If that is all you are really worried about, then it won't be worth it. I would discuss this with a counselor yourself, and then an attorney. Good luck!
p.s. I think that Presamada's advice above is very good, too.
2007-06-22 03:26:49 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Divorce is not a destiny it's a choice. Your husband does have a point - things do change and part of being married is rolling with those choices and trying to make the best of it. We all have ideals when we start our relationships but those ideals sometimes go by the way when real life intervenes. Your husband sounds like he just has a less idealistic view of life and your future and he wants some help from you stabilizing that future. Your his wife which also means his helpmate and if your future success and stability requires you to return to work part of being married means that's what you do. However, the excessive spending needs to be addressed immediately. You should not be going back to work to facilitate his extravagances. If he insists you go back you insist he control his spending. Set up a separate bank account that is earmarked specifically for that future and your families financial success. Work is not really a family value; its a personal choice and a desire or want and sometimes a neccessity. This seems to be about more than going back to work if you have "lost trust in him". That's not a reason to stop trusting someone so maybe you might want to look a little deeper and figure out why you really don't trust him. As for being emotional about leaving the baby - that's going to happen at 2, 12, 20 and forever. No time is an easy time to release even a little hold on your child. Take deep breaths and don't let the baby see you crying. Then get in your car, scream bawl and snot and get going.
2007-06-22 03:23:52 · answer #3 · answered by presamada 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for the situation you are in, but nowadays, most couples have to work to have a good life. I think you are resenting him that he wants you to go back to work. My son goes to daycare 8 hours a day 5 days a week, and yes I wish I could spend more time with him, but I also need to work and make money for him. If counseling didn't work, maybe you didn't go to the right councilor. I would try again, because it seems that you don't want to split up. Good luck.
2007-06-22 03:19:17 · answer #4 · answered by ***ME*** 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm!
Well divorce should be the last result...
The problem here is that a lot has changed and the marriage hasn;t changed to meet it. For the marriage to work you have to make sacrifices which may not be what you want but then could salvage the marriage..
Maybe there are things you need to say you are not saying..so is he.
Two wise men cannot go anywhere..one has to surrender...
You ca mange the baby dont worry..just change the way you deal with him...Dont get angry and nag at every bad thing he does..it urges him on to do same...
Get a job..important because what if he leaves you today? can you take care of yourself and the baby??
Dont expect marriage to be the same as it was when it started. Things change, people change, and you have to change in turn.
The things he liked about you before..do them again...get him to discuss issues of general concern with you...Like a nice movie or a soap opera ..football, something.
Be a nice woman, be the one to sacrifice and it will force him to sacrifice as well.
If both of you are wise...who will lead and who will follow? You will all probbaly go different ways to lead yourselves.
Good luck..OK..I will pray with you....
2007-06-22 03:24:55 · answer #5 · answered by Distress 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You could try a different counsellor.
If that doesn't work, it aint looking good for the marriage.
2007-06-22 03:17:14 · answer #6 · answered by timthinks 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, been there done that!
2007-06-22 03:23:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋