should i kick him out or keep trying?

Question

My partner used to be lovely we have been through a lot together and i have always been there for him we have been together 8 years i'm 28 and hes 40 and we have 2 kids, he has started to become nasty and doesn't seem to care about me or the kids and he is always getting drunk, he keeps saying its stress but i can't take it any longer. He says things will change but they don't. I have no-one else to ask for advice, what do you think i should do?

Answer 1

Dont kick him out just yet. Try to help him. He is clearly depressed and going through a very hard time in his life. He isint just drinking and tempermental for no reason. Obviously he has feelings and is feeling down and judging by your question he hasnt really talked to you about why he is behaving this way.
Ask yourself why he hasnt spoken to you about it or asked you for help. Are you being too judgmental, too nagging?
I know its hard for you too, and the kids, but he is your partner. youve been together for so long, your not just partners, your best friends. You are the closest person to him and he needs you right now.
If you were depressed and feeling down wouldnt you want him to hug you and talk to you instead of being angry with you?
Be there for him. Be patient. Tell him your not angry anymore about the drinking etc. Tell him you want to help him and that he can talk to you about why he is feeling so down.
Try your best to help him get over this tough time. Hang in there. If you give it your all and he continues to drink and not talk to you then consider breaking up.
Hope this helps.

Answer 2

Dear phil k. You have stated in your first two lines "My partner used to be lovely we have been through a lot together and i have always been there for him we have been together 8 years i'm 28 and hes 40 and we have 2 kids. It is obvious that there is a problem he is finding it difficult to deal with, be it work or other and you admit that you can't take it any longer, But I believe different, you have spent 8 years together dealing with problems before, Why is this one so different? It is because it is outside the house and he can;t seem to tell you about it? Or because youi don;t know what the problem is. You two have put so much into this relationship and over the 8 year have prospered with each other. Most relatiionships go through a bad patch no matter how good they are together, but they pull through in the end which mean they are capable of communicating with each other. You two have that ability, he may not open up at the moment, but if you tell him you are there a will aways we will to help him through this bad patch, he might start talking in time, but the emphisis is not to push him, that may lead to other problems. How do I know, that is simple. from the age of 14 I have suffered with Bipola rapid cycle class A, which is a form of depression associated with sucidal tendancies. I have been through 2 wifes who could not handle the situation, My girlfriend at present is a pot of gold when I am in a depressives state she gives me space but reminds me still is avaliable if I need anything done, my symptons are not so often but I do get them now and again. Phil K, you are a pot of gold waiting on the side lines to jump in and help your partner when he finally decideds to reveal his troubles. Its very easy for people to say dump him and move on, but you have both put a lot into this relationship, lets not let it slip through your fingers. If you need guidence, speak to a counsellor or a doctor, but try and go together, it's a good way to start, Best wishes and good luck Phil K

Answer 3

Maybe hes drinking to combat his stress. It is not fair he is taking his anxieties out on you or your children. This is distressing and can tear the family apart. There is a substantial age difference between you two as well. Is this something in his working life he is escaping from? Does he have something to hide? You need to calmly confront him. Suggest doing family things together like a meal or a theme park trip. make an effort to keep things away from drinking. give him freedom but not too much. Just make sure he knows what he wants and find out. If things change you can always go and stay at a relative's with your kids for a while, or just send them off so you can spend couple time alone.

Answer 4

hi i'm sorry your going through a tough time at the mintute, i found a few things that might help a little hopefully,

One in five people thinks their partner drinks too much alcohol
http://www.relate.org.uk/PressRelease_SXB77F-A77FE1B9.html

finding out about about Alcohol addiction would be a good first step.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/addictions/typesaddiction_alcohol.shtml

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

stress
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_stress.shtml

mind is a really good charitey if your husband does have stress he should consider contacting these, they do a helpline, meetings, loads of stuff and there really helpfull

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Mind+guide+to/Mind+guide+to+managing+stress.htm

have a look round this website it's really good
http://www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/commonrelationshipproblems/

i know talking doesnt seem worth it sometimes but do try to find a quitet moment when he's not drinking or at least when he seems calm, to find out what's going on, if he's stressed ask him whats stressing him out suggest you go to somewhere like relate, tell him how seroius you are about the two of you spiting up because you have always been there for him he might not belive it, you could perhaps suggest a trail separation unless things start changing, that he goes to the dr, first, then aa, then the charitiy mind if he needs help with stress.
tell if can he can do this he'll have the support of you 100 %
if he doesnt take it in and things carry on, something needs to give, even if that does mean he has to leave the family home, it's not healthy for things to carry on for you or the kids. goodluck xx

but please, if at anytime it gets too much ring womens aid there website's here.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

properlbly not what you want to read right now but put it in your bookmarks anyway
http://www.insidedivorce.com/

Answer 5

Get rid sweetie, I once went out with a man ( well I thought so ) he sniffed glue and when I said I was leaving coz of it, he stopped but later on in the relationship he started it again, this went on for a while. only the longer it went on the more violent he got, it took me to report him to the police (after so many fights and bad ones too) eventually he got locked up and then when he was inside I done a runner to where he wouldnt find me.
Now Im happy with somebody else and life is so much better, so my advice is get rid up sticks and move or else you and the kids will be in great danger, if your worried about your kids having no contact with their dad, they really would not appreciate being around someone who wont change,
get out of it before it gets worse hun because things like this rarely get better.
I hope your decision will benefit the kids, they are no.1 and their love for you is unconditional.
Give that prat the boot now while you can.

Answer 6

Well if he can be nasty to you once then whats stopping him being nasty to you again?
If he truely cared about you then he wouldnt have gone into this situation and treated you like this because it would have hurt him more to hurt you!
If i were you then i would take the kids and leave, talk to him and explain you need space and he needs to get himself sorted, stay somewhere else for a few months and see if he REALLY does change for the sake of you and the kids.
It,ll be a test for you both and you will get the answer you need.
Really hope you work it out!

Answer 7

You already wrote it. " You can't take it any longer" WELL DON'T. He has a problem and he is disrespecting you and the children. That will only get worse.

You have to get your self respect, pride, dignity and value and confront him threatening that you will no longer live like this. You should definitely tell him you want a separation and say that you will take him back if he becomes the man you married, if not, you will get a divorce. You could also save him.

Do not let him waste anymore time. This is your life! You have two children. Don't let your children grow up with their father like this. Get moving. I wish you all the luck. God Bless

Answer 8

babe you are not even thirty if its dead then let it go he is being nasty cause he feels trapped
so unleash him
move on meet someone else
its scary now start a support group or join one
one has enough stress in tehir life to make the ones we care about have a bad time cause we are
you should love honour and obey
he is spiteful rude and aggressive
it wont get better unless he loses you and it makes him change his mind and want you back
you may end up back with him but i reckon by then you would have gotten over him and moved on
a friend of mine had been with her man for 12 years
she wanted kids he did not
she ended the relationship after 2 months he couldnt bare to be without her he promised her the world they got back togather again and it made her realise he cant give her waht she needs
they split up again
it seems hard now but the logevity of your hapiness is what you need to focus on not right now and the next few months
youll miss him but you will get over it
its in our DNA to survive

Answer 9

Everyone in the world has to deal with stress in their lifetime BUT we all don't run to the bottle and get drunk. This is an EXCUSE to drink.

The most important factor here is YOU protecting YOUR children from your husband's nasty, drunken outbursts. Chances are he is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do for him as he has to do it for himself.

You wrote "partner" which means to me you are not married. In any case, I highly suggest you move out and keep your children safe. Children learn by example and their example is their parents.

My father was an alcoholic and I still at the age of 60 carry the scars of my childhood with me to this day. Think of your children because those little precious children are scared in their rooms when their father is drunk.

Answer 10

I'm in a similar situation i believe that you marry for life but the drink takes hold, only keep trying if you can cope, you may be like me at some time and ask yourself is it really worth it >?
only you can make that decision , don't stay together for the kids BIG MISTAKE sorry, good luck