my husband and i have been married for almost four years. we had our first child while still in high school. although we both graduated and went on to college life still wasn't and will never be like other people our age. do we regret it to a point only as far as wanting that little time alone or to hang out with friends.but we would change life for anything we love our kids. we got married after i graduated from high school. we know we got married for all the wrong reason. basically we got married so we could both raise our child together in the same home. rather then sending him back and forth.we started our marriage rocky for getting married for the wrong reason,so it was no surprise that before our first anniversary we had problems.i being younger then he didn't get to have the freedom he had even after having our son.so when i finally was able to drive and have a little freedom i took it way too far.i ended up cheating on him.i know he is stupid for staying with me. but..........
2007-06-20 21:42:31 · 22 answers · asked by francescavictoria18 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he being the great man that he is gave me a second chance. as sorry as i am almost four years later and all the hard work and heart ache we both went through to be where we are as a couple today i still dont have his trust...what makes me most mad is the fact that he tells me he trust me when he doesn't. i understand what i did was wrong in every way and i dont blame him for not trusting me but what is a marriage without trust..when he told me that he had trust in me again i felt at ease a little. i say a little because i will always and forever have to live with the fact that i heart the man that was supposed to be the only one for me. and to know i hurt him for my selfish reasons. he didn't have to take me back/give me a second chance. however he did so shouldn't he try to forgive me or at least not lie just to make me happy. all i have is words now a days i can tell him im sorry, i can say will never to it again..but he is the one who got his heart torn in to pieces my
2007-06-20 21:46:55 · update #1
but all he hears is words...i just dont know what to think. reason this bothers me so much is because we were planning on getting married through the church. we had a quick wedding in vegas so we wanted to re new our vows. but how can i get married in the church knowing that he doesn't have trust in me..thats what a marriage is about. trust. i know if i would of just keep the temptation away none of this would be an issue but i let that temptation win and i will never forgive myself. now it makes me wonder if he forgives me. i know that a person can find it in them to forgive its forgetting about it thats hard..he says he forgives me i guess trusting someone again is harder then forgiving someone......
2007-06-20 21:51:26 · update #2
out of all the pain i put him through you know what i found that i love my husband more then anyone in this world.. how sad it took another man for me to realize that...everything that i wanted in this other person..i had right in front of me the whole time
2007-06-20 21:53:25 · update #3
sorry if it doesn't make all that much sense due to some mistakes its late can you blame me
2007-06-20 22:02:50 · update #4
I'm not judging you, but I'll basically say what the others have said: you two need marriage counseling. You were very young and didn't have it before you married, but it looks like you really need the counseling now.
If you cannot afford private counseling, ask the clergy at your church for help. Nearly every denomination has some sort of counseling, even Catholics. If you are Catholic, they have something called Marriage Encounter.
Since you want to be married in a church, most of them have pre-marital counseling anyway. This would be the best for the two of you.
You have made your mistakes, so now it is time to learn from them and move on. Good luck to the both of you.
2007-06-20 22:24:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay honey, so you made a mistake. Thousands of people have, so you are not alone. I think that the way you are feeling has more to do with the fact that YOU don't forgive yourself. Try to let go of the memory, and you will find yourself much happier. You say that you know he is stupid for staying with you, but he is not. HE LOVES YOU, and would not have stayed with you if he didn't. I can understand that in the beginning he did not trust you, but he says he does now. From your story, it seems as if he has told you this more than once, so please just believe it! You are obviously having a hard time forgiving yourself, and that is why you cannot believe that he has, and does trust you now. You say that you love him, and that is wonderful, of course it is a pity that it took a silly mistake to make you realise this, but what is in the past is in the past. You cannot change what you did, but you need to work through it, and go and have your marriage vows renewed in the church if that is what you want. If you trust him, (and we all know that he trusts you) then there is no problem. Sweety, do you really think that if he did not trust you he would want to renew your vows? In the past 4 years, you have obviously given him no cause to mistrust you again, and I am sure that he realises that being a bit younger, you never had the freedom he had, and so also does understand. Be happy sweetie, and enjoy your marriage, without having this mistake in your mind all the time. Trust HIM enough to believe that he is not lying when he says that he trusts and loves you.
2007-06-20 22:30:07 · answer #2 · answered by sparrow 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's good you know why you are unhappy, so that isn't the issue here. Well, not sure what you should do, but here's my input anyways:
I see it very admirable that you and your husband kept together for your children. I respect the both of you for your decisions.
You shouldn't do anything drastic, so I wouldn't recommend anything drastic like divorce or separation (it's for you to decide). I'm presuming that you two have talked about all that you've said in your question? If not, then you should have a serious talk with him about those things said above.
Have you two thought about marriage counseling? This option I think would be far better and helpful than asking this on yahoo (considering the gravity of the topic).
Both you are feeling unfulfilled, getting tied down so early and now having grown up are both changed. If you two did continue (things staying as they are) it will be unhealthy for the both of you and this will affect your children. Children are observative and can pick up on the emotions of others.
This is a very complicated and weighty topic. Definitely don't consider serperation until you've both met with a marriage counselor where they can give you the best advice possible.
2007-06-20 22:04:04 · answer #3 · answered by Tsuki 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
no judgement but you asked so here it is: You say "shouldn't he forgive and trust you if he decided to give you a second chance?" My answer NO. No shouldn'ts in relationships. People do what they feel at ease or most comfortable with. It is going to take him a while to trust you again. You basically have to prove that you mean to remain faithful this time. Trust me (no pun intended), you will have the same difficulty with trust if he had cheated on you. So he sounds like he loves you and is trying to do the "right" thing. He loves you enough not to want to hurt your feelings by telling you he trusts you. Give him time and don't hold him to any more shoulds. Also talk to him about it. Have an open honest conversation with him about how he feels. Tell him that you understand his lack of trust and that you will wait for the time it takes to rebuild his trust.
Also know that it is possible that he will never be able to trust you again, so be prepared for that. Lastly, you need to feel the pain that he feels about what you did and then forgive yourself. You did something wrong that doesn't make you a bad person. Learn from it and move on
2007-06-20 22:00:50 · answer #4 · answered by uz 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Alrighty, since I also was cheated on by my wife I have the answer for you.
Someone needs to tell this man something someone told me.
"You either trust her or you don't!"
It's really a matter of mind control because the questions will linger for the rest of his life. He has to decide whether he is going to trust you or not. You can do everything for him, but that one slip, the one time you didn't answer the phone, brings it all back to the surface.
That's why he has to be the one who seriously looks at you and makes a firm decision whether or not he trust you.
Once that decision is made, both your lives will be better.
You can also tickle his ego a little. Let this man know that he is the man. In other words, if you love him don't say you love him, show him how much he means to you by doing things for him that tells him this. My wife did this, I am confident she will not cheat on me anymore. It's been 4 years since I made that decision and still a month doesn't go by without my brain trying to lay it on thick. It's a struggle, but he can get over this.
Heal his hurt with affection that screams out "You are my man!" The more assured of your desire for him he is, the more trusting he will be.
2007-06-20 21:49:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Why are u keep thinking that u're married for a wrong reason? Sounds like u don't want this marriage.
Try to put yourself in his situation, ask yourself can u forgive someone who cheating on u? it's would be hard for me. So, he forgive u, but cannot forgot what u've been done. u hurt him deeply. he say he trust u, maybe he mean it, or he still in doubt, don't push him, give him some time and show him that he can trust u.
I know u didn't mean to hurt him, that u was in difficult situation. but still u've made a mark, and you can't just put it away.
2007-06-20 22:03:47 · answer #6 · answered by ordinary1 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like a wonderful man and I'm so happy for you two and your upcoming ceremony to renew your vows. There may be a little twinge of worry in his mind sometimes, but forgiveness is what it takes to fix things and he gave you that. That little twinge of worry doesn't mean that he doesn't trust you, just a little thought that crosses his mind briefly and goes away again. The point is the forgiveness is there and so is the love.
2007-06-20 22:01:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he actually really loves you and doesn't want to leave you. Cheating is a painful thing to do to someone but given the circumstances perhaps your relationship can grow from this. Did being with another man make you more appreciative towards you husband? The bigger crime in this situation is if you are together but don't want to be. The kids will be hurt in the end so if you don't want to be together them maybe you should make the break now. If you sincerely want to be together then learn from your mistakes, they will , in the end, make you a stronger unit.
2007-06-20 21:51:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can completely understand where you are coming from. I have been married for 6 years, I didnt exactly get to be a kid at any point in my life. Not from having kids, but other things that happened inmy life. However, I did meet another man. I have never slept with him, but I know in my heart. I have cheated a million times. In the process I have hurt my husband, the other man and myself! Sometimes in life we get confused and it takes ajolt to bring us, to where we are suppose to be. Not where we think we should be! I too have come to find a new love with my husband. As, far as trust goes. He did take you back, and yes he should be willing to deal with it. If he cant ever forgive you and mean it. Then, it will only continue to cause problems! I am sure in his heart he has forgiven you many times. Just the head, has a way of rehashing things we woould like to forget. So, I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything turns out well for you both!
2007-06-20 22:09:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
you kind of already answered your own question. You were young and you got married for the wrong reason. I think if both of you are not happy in the realtionship then it needs to end. You have already cheated what make you think that he is not going to do the same thing. First thing you two need to think about is the child. Is it good for him to be in a house that the parents don't love each other or fight all the time. Not saying that you do, just throwing things out there. I would just its better for you two to end this marriage and raise the child together with all the love for him/her.
2007-06-20 21:52:22 · answer #10 · answered by maverick29 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋