What do I do next with my marriage?

Question

I've been marride for 4 years now and can't seem to get my wife to pay any attention to our relationship, she think every single hr she's at home it time for her to bond with her kid which was the child's guilty way of putting it to her mother --"you don't spend anytime with me everytime her mom is around me." I have trie dto make this work and let her know that we need to interact and not have her 12 yr old sleep with her instead of me. I don't know what to do next i love my wife and really don't want to leave but is there any hope?

Answer 1

Yup, you dont nag or complain about her son, she'll get defensive and feel you want her to choose, thats a no-no. You take her out to dinner alone or wait till the manipulative brat is asleep or he really could just be jealous and you tell her how much you love her and her son, then you dont point out or say anything bad about her son,that will cause her to become defensive, you just need to stick to your feelings, tell her you miss her, tell her you love her, tell her you live in the same house yet feel so far apart and distant. That the fire needs to reignited. Tell her also that you feel its not fair nor is it appropriate for a 12 yr old boy to sleep in bed with his mother, she is a woman, a mother and wife, and you arent asking to come first or before her sons needs or wants but you should be held somewhat on the same pedestal since you are her husband and you love, provide, compromise and would do anything with her or for her. Dont tell her yet that if things dont change you'll leave because then all kinds of crazy thoughts will start to go threw her head. My hubby had to remind me that once the kids are in bed, gone, outside etc thats are mommy daddy time because i would finish up with the kids and go to bed and he would feel unappreciated and neglected he said he loved that i was a good mother to our children but i needed to be just a good wife and acknowledge him and his feelings and needs as a wife as i did as a mother to the children. My daughter from my previous marriage when we moved into together was very jealous at first always wanted to sleep with me, (which i didnt allow unless she was sick) hug me and be around me because i was a single mom for so long it was just me and her and if hugged me or got into bed or his kids sat on my lap shed be coming around the corner to have him removed or push them over, i didnt catch on right away, he had to point it out to me and call it out when it would happen , i had to ask my daughter why she did this and she said i have to get use to sharing my mom...i had to have a heart to heart with her and tell her i loved her more than i loved anyone or anything. Now they are her siblings and hes her daddy it took her time but we together backed eachother up as a husband and wife and i didnt take sides neither did he but it took a couple of months but they are worth it my loving family and hubby

Answer 2

Make an appointment with a family counselor. You wife seems to have some guilt issues in regards to her parenting her son. You all need to learn how to interact as a family and work together instead of apart. Sleeping with her 12 year old son is a big red flag that this woman doesn't really understand her role as a mother at all. If you approach her with the idea that you are all going to learn from the counseling experience you will probably have more luck getting her to go. Good luck! But even if she refuses to go, you go yourself and learn what you need to be doing to navigate the road you are going down with her.

Answer 3

Sounds like your wife is using her child to keep the two of you separated.Your wife is having a problem dealing with the marriage and the longer the two of you stay apart the harder it will be getting back together as a couple. You should not blame the child here because she might not no what is going on with the two of you.You need to put a stop to the sleeping arrangement right now and tell your wife that things need to change as of this monument.You need to put your foot down and keep it down.Sometimes that is all it takes.

Answer 4

Wow.

I happen to believe that when it comes to marriage, the couple needs to have a united front.

There is so much out of whack here that any advice I or any one else can give in this forum will be inadequate and superficial. Get counseling. If you can, get joint counseling.

If you are married, but your wife is sleeping with her 12 year old child instead of you, you really don't have a marriage. You have a living relationship.

There is something wrong, pretty seriously, and you can't 'love enough for the two of you.' You do need to find out what it is your wife wants and expects in your relationship. can this work? I don't know. But it would be a deal-breaker for me.

Answer 5

You do have a serious problem....or more so, you wife has the problem. There is a place for children in a marriage and this child is demanding the wrong 'amount' of attention. What is worst, your wife does not see anything wrong. Does she like the comfort of being with you? Sex with you? Your company? ASK HER THESE THINGS. NEVER SHOULD SHE BE SLEEPING WITH THE 12 YEAR OLD, BY REQUEST, AND THAT CHILD IS NOT PHYSICALLY, OR MENTALLY ILL. This child is clearly trying to make their mother prove that she loves them, more than you. TELL HER MOM, THERE IS NO RACE. THAT YOU WANT A WIFE, NOT MARRIED JUST TO A MOM. IT WOULD NOT MATTER IF IT WERE HER CHILD, YOUR CHILD, OR ONE THAT BELONGED TO BOTH OF YOU.

PERHAPS SHE SHOULD NOT BE MARRIED UNTIL SHE GETS PERMISSION FROM HER CONTROLLING CHILD.

YOU, MY DEAR, NEED TO DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH HAVING TWO WIVES OR ONE. THEN MOVE IN THE DIRECTION THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

why don't you go to a bookstore and buy a book. A book about marriage, help, doing things for each other. After she reads one or two sentence, she'll get out of her routine and give attention to you.

also, if you read it too, you'll realise it is hard when you men act like babies, when she already has chidlren to take care of. You have to grow up both of you together, and try to support each other with love and effection, but don't expect 247 sex with her, there are other priorities in life too.

This is not the first date. This is marrage. It is a project, and you can't do things just like you want yourself. It is give and take. If you are doing and she's not, you have to wake her up with a either book, CD.

here is one website of Dr Phil, you learn a lot from it. if she has no time to read, she can listen at least... even when she's driving -

http://www.drphilstore.com/relres.html

check all the websites of DrPhil and find a CD, buy and give it to her birthday or special dinner night!! good luck!

Answer 7

This is great! As a life coach, my perspective is always on you-the person having the emotional trigger. Since you are having problems with this you are the one who is being triggered!
We attract people into our lives to help us awaken and love ourselves...and then we can love others. So what is it that your wife is helping you with?
Chances are that maybe this is not the only place in your life where you feel neglected, or unimportant, or left out...etc...
Where are you neglecting your own needs and expecting others to fill them? Or maybe what are you ignoring or leaving out of your life ? Or maybe who are you ignoring?
Sometimes we have to play around with the words to find what really resonates and fits with us...then we can move on and you can release your wife from having to hold this position for you to "awaken"... then maybe your wife can have some real adult fun with you:-)
-coach

Answer 8

whoa! thats a good question. pat yourself on the back for trying to seek help. my advise is just that, advice, an opinion. i think you are a big man and really love your wife. keep trying to talk to her, keep spoiling her. plan a week in advance, a date. say hey there baby, can we go on a date next friday/saturday? play it like when you first met, when you were dating. find a babysitter, and tell her, honey i want to spoil you, just me and you. plan a hotel, nice dinner, movie, whatever you guys like to do, only you know. have flowerers set up in the room, a bottler of wine, have cash in your wallet for roomservice ect. take all the time in the world to plan it. even if you have to save for a while. make it all about her. dont say anything negative about your step daughter, just make it seem normal as can be. just remember, it takes a real man to keep his marrige together. oh yea, then have something planned for all 3 of you on the next day, breakfast, cliffs, chuke cheeze, the works. i know it might cost some money, but like they say a happy family, priceless. and this is just one suggestion, there are always things to do that dont cost as much. you know what i mean take care dude and good luck. dont stray to lust it will get you in the long run, continue to be the man that you are!

Answer 9

It gets down to recognizing each others emotional needs. Ask her if she would like you to acknowledge and honor her emotional needs. Then ask if she feels you are meeting her emotional needs and if not, what can you do to meet her needs. Then ask if she understands that you also have emotional needs that you would like her to acknowledge and honor. Then ask her if she thinks she is meeting your emotional needs. At this point you should have the discussion out on the table. Point out that you don't feel your needs are being met and if the relationship is to continue and thrive, both of you have to feel your emotional needs are being met. If one or both of you feel your needs are not being met the only real answer is therapy, couples counseling. If she doesn't see this you have a real problem. In that case my suggestion would be for you to go to counseling by yourself and talk it over with your own counselor. Good luck.

Answer 10

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