is it wrong to stay with a man "for the kids"??

Question

my husband and i have been married for a year. 3 months ago my little girl was born. but we just don't get along, and there is no trust left in our relationship. by i want my baby to grow up in a home with two loveing parents (even if the love is fake). and please don't answer if you aren't a parent, coz you can't imagin what its like to wanna give your kid the best life possible.

Answer 1

Your question sort of depends on when things started to go bad honey. The baby is only three months old, so it must have been good at some point. I know you are going to get alot of suggestions about Post partum depression, but I don't think that's it. I think you truly aren't happy with him anymore. Your life has changed, yet his has stayed the same and you are the one making all the sacrifices, resentment has built up over time and something happened to throw distrust into the mix. It's alot to soak in, a big burden to carry, but if you can do it, and do it without any animosity, I don't think it's wrong to stay as a family unit for the sake of the children. However, I don't think you realize what you are in for. After awhile, "being nice" gets old and true emotions will shine through. Kids pick up on that. And it's not the harsh words, its the body language. Mommies and daddies are suppose to love and hug each other. They are suppose to laugh, have fun and enjoy the family as a family. If that isn't happening, what does that teach your little ones honey? What kind of relationships are they going to have when they get older? Cold and love-less ones? You don't want that. It's not the best life possible.

If you are just waivering on this, try this first. Sit down and talk with your husband. Don't argue, but talk like you use to years ago. Ask him where he thinks things started to change between the two of you. Then each day remind yourself of one thing that you are greatful to him for (even if it's simple things at first). The next week, remind yourself of one thing each day that made you fall in love with him. See if he still has those qualities. Then start complimenting him on them. The more you do that, the more he'll do those things and the more that happens, the easier it'll be to start tearing down that wall you built up and start building the foundation for a truly happy family...with a mom and dad and beautiful children.

I'm not against divorce honey, I'm also not against staying together for the sake of the little ones. I'm a mother of 5, who was cheated on and "stayed". I went through years of counseling with my husband. What I told you, was one of the lessons I was given. I'm happy to say that after 18 years, we are still together and aside from a few troublesome years (when he cheated), I have to say that I can not be happier for my decision. I have a great husband, who happens to be my best friend, I have five wonderful children who are happy as can be.

When I look back, I can't help but tell you, that I was like you and had intended on staying solely for the sake of my children. Never in a million years did I imagine my staying could result in what it did.

Marriage is hard, raising children is even harder, and nobody can tell you what to do, but we can give you examples of what works for us to give you some better insight using our outcomes.

I hope this helps you and I hope that years from now, you'll be looking back thinking the same things I am right now.

Answer 2

How in heck can you be married for just a year and have a sweet little girl and your marriage be such a mess you want to split? What is it with people today. By people I mainly mean females that use a man as a sperm donor and then want to split and get paid money to babysit their own kid. Things just can't be that bad. You must have had this whole thing planned out before you got married. The truth is divorcing this guy and thinking all your troubles will be over is so fairy tale you wouldn't believe it. Divorcing/dating/boyfriends/visitation rights/girlfriend/step parents/half siblings.. the list goes on and on. This is what I heard a person say (she is 60 and has had two marriages, one child and a few boyfriends) "If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed with my first husband (father of her daughter) and worked things out. The same problems were in every relationship. Having a relationship just means you have to keep working at it.

Answer 3

Parent here...single parent at that. My husband and I were married for 3 years before he decided he wanted "out" and we have a 2 year old son.

If you can work it out at all, I suggest you try your hardest. You both said "I Do" and these days people take marriage WAY to lightly. Even now that you have a child, it is so important to raise your little girl in a stable home environment.

Go to counseling, seek some help from others. Remember why you married him. Try to see him they way you married him. You took him for the good and the bad.

Also, think about all the crap you will have to go through if you get a divorce. I went through a divorce and I tell ya, the dividing of the stuff, who pays this bill, who gets the CD's who gets the couch. What about all the dishes, what about the taxes we owe, .... then the child custody thing... who gets the kid the majority of the time. Do you get her on the odd Christmas years, does she spend summers with Dad, does he get her every other weekend..... the list goes on. It is better to try to work things out. Try your hardest to work it out.... and if it doesn't work, don't feel guilty.

AND do NOT stay if there is abuse.

Answer 4

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Dl94N

Answer 5

I understand that you want to give your kids the best life possible but why would you want your kids to grow up thinking it's ok to be in a marriage where your unhappy. You and your husband can pretend all you want but the tension will be there between you two and your kids will pick up on it. I tried staying in a marriage because of my kids and we tried the pretending and it didn't work. Me and my exhusband didn't get along at all and eventually we argued cause we just couldn't get along. We got divorced and he's with someone he's happy with and so am I. I'd rather have my kids see me happy and know that's how it should be in a marriage. Not just settling for less.

Answer 6

O.k. Yes I am a parent. Well, from my experience, if you absolutely don't get along and there is no gaining trust back, then yes it is wrong to stay with him. You say you want your child to have two loving parents...well the only way she is gonna have that is if both parents are happy. If your not happy with each other your child will sense it. And there is nothing worse than being an innocent child having to witness arguing and hate...ESPECIALLY if there is abuse.

If you can't work out your problems now....then they're only going to escalate. And just because you love someone or once loved someone that is the father of your child, doesn't mean that's who you are meant to be with for the rest of your life.

So basically, if it's Abuse?, GET OUT NOW, Cheating? GET OUT NOW? Those two issues are UNACCEPTABLE. If it's just simply marrital problems maybe consider counseling. But don't simply stay in it for your child. Many children grow up with seperated parents and are healthy and happy. Versus a child growing up in an Arguing, Hostile environment.

Well, I do wish you the very best...and keep in touch with me if you have any other questions.

Answer 7

If there is no love left then there is no reason to stay. You will end up hurting the child in the long run and not to mention yourself and your husband. Sure every parent wants what is best for their child and growing up in a home with 2 parents that love you but not each other cannot be a good ideal to set for the child. You can both still be great parents and give her that from seperate places. If you are going to do it, it is better while they are young then older. Good luck

Answer 8

Yes! It doesn't actually do the child any good. Sooner or later they'll catch on that you two don't want to be around each other, no matter how much you try to hide it. And why would you want to be in a relationship where there's no trust? Your child can grow up with 2 loving parents when you're not together!!!! I have 5 children and understand wanting to do what's best for them, but if you're honestly not happy and don't want to be with this person anymore. Get out now, the sooner you do, the better for your child cause they won't live in the tension that's going to be there no matter how hard you try to hide it. Good Luck to you!

Answer 9

I think you're giving up on your marriage too fast. When you have problems, any kinds of problems, you work on them and get professional help if needed. Like you, my daughter was born the first year of our marriage, it was hell. I could not understand how this wonderful man could become a monster in such a short time. I wanted my marriage to work really bad, I was in for the long run and i`m catholic so I would not hear about divorcing at the time. Slowly everything got back in place. It was difficult to adapt to our new role of being parents. I thought he was acting like a teenager and I had gazillions of hormones rushing through my veins because of the delivery and breastfeeding. Hang in there, don`t give up just yet on finding happiness with this man.

Answer 10

I apologize for answering this one, as I am not a parent, but I did have a thought from the kid's perspective that I thought might be worth bringing up: kids look up to their parents.

Whether we like it or not, the relationships modeled by our parents have tremendous impact on the kinds of relationships we end up having. So as you're deciding what to do in this incredibly complicated and important situation, consider whether you want your daughter to model her future relationships after yours- one with "no trust left"? Will she be happy in life? Is that what you ultimately want for her? And if you wouldn't wish that life for her, why put up with it for you?

Having good, loving parents is the most important factor in kids lives and futures. But ending your relationship with your husband doesn't deny your daughter good parents. She's got you, for starters, and you're obviously wonderful- putting her first in all decisions. If her dad is a good guy, he'll still be a huge part of her life. And there's no reason why you couldn't add another parent to her life by starting another relationship with someone else. Many kids these days have more than two parents.

Thanks for humoring me, I know I can never understand this situation until I have kids of my own, but in the meantime I wish you and your daughter all the best- whatever happens, she's lucky to have a mom like you.