I'm writing a book, and I need advice?

Question

I want to improve on one of the weaker sections. This is just after our main character, Jecssica (who is dead and in the afterlife, in a kind of etrenal party) tries a hapiness drink called Ressin. Please tell me how I can improve apon it.

The reaction was imideite. I was slammed aginst the Happy Wall. Something hit me, then I felt dizzy, but blissfully free. I could do, well, anything! The world was mine! I laughed maniacly. I was surrounded by people, all of them wanted to help me, be my friend. I danced to the booming music the room was suddenly amitting, the fabric of my new, clingy dress damp. Boys, cute boys were actually paying attention to me! Jessica! Ugly old Jessica! But I wasn’t ugly anymore- I was radiant.

Answer 1

"maniacly" is not a word that seems to flow well. Change it is you can. Also descride the feeling of "dizzy" or blissfullness. Use the senses - sight, sound, etc. For example you could say “sparkling tiny light swirled all around me, my skin flashed to goosebumps as a cool breeze seem to spin me and caress me to the core., blah , blah, etc.

Answer 2

First, your spelling could use some work.

Imideite is not a word. I believe you mean ‘immediate.’
Maniacly is also not a word. The proper form is ‘maniacally.’
Amitting is not a word. The room would be ‘emitting’ music.
Aginst should be ‘against.'

In the part of your question that was not from your excerpt, you misspelled ‘eternal’ (etrenal), ‘Jessica’ (Jecssica), ‘happiness’ (hapiness), and ‘upon’ (apon), so spelling things wrong seems to be a pretty consistent error. Proper spelling is very important if you want to be taken seriously, especially if you want something to be published. Editors are supposed to be used for helping polish a good work, and not as slaves who have to clean up after the lazy.

Secondly, the section seems a bit repetitive. I’m a little confused about the part where you wrote, “I was slammed against the Happy Wall. Something hit me…” Is the Happy Wall a real object, or is that more of a figurative thing? Did something actually hit the person, or did you also mean that figuratively, and it was the reaction of the drink that ‘hit’ her? If it isn’t literal, I suggest you condense that part. Write it something like, “The reaction was immediate. It hit me, slammed me up against the Happy Wall. I was dizzy, yet blissfully free.” The rest of the repetitiveness is due to the overuse of the word “I.” It would flow better if the sentences were rearranged. Plus, a few extra details wouldn’t hurt.

This is one way I would alter that section:

“The reaction was immediate. It hit me, slammed me up against the Happy Wall. I was dizzy, yet blissfully free. I could do anything. The world was mine!

I laughed maniacally as people swarmed to me, all of them wanting to help me, to be my friend. The room emitted booming music and I danced, caught up in the thriving mass of people. My new dress clung to me, becoming damp with sweat. The guys smiled flirtatiously, for once actually paying attention to me. Me! Jessica! Ugly old Jessica! But I wasn’t ugly anymore—tonight, I was radiant.”

Answer 3

Well first of all if that is one of your weaker sections you are doing very well =)

All I could recomend is try to eliminate some of the "thens" and make changes like....

The reaction was imideite as I was slammed against the Happy Wall. I felt dizzy...yet blissfully free, like I could do anything...oh the world was mine! As I laugnhed maniacly all the people around me tried to help, trying to do anything to be my friend.

And the rest is good! But as I said, this isn't bad, if this is what you consider bad you are a very good writer!