how can i be ok with porn??

Question

(im 23 hes 29 weve been engaged for 2 months)i knew he watched it before we moved in together. hes obviously ok with it but im not so much. call me old fashioned, high maintenance, whatever, im a just chick who gets turned off by it. anyways, he volunteered giving it up, even gave away the dvds. but now he just trys to hide it. now its not just about respect and the whole is it or isnt it cheating, now its about honesty too.
we have great sex, he will totally admit to this. he might say i cant really keep up with him but he would also say he wants it all the freakin time.
anyways, its driving me crazy because i know hell never stop, i also know i will never be ok with it.
if he cant change for me should i change for him?? and if so, how do i do it w/o feeling like sh!t?

Answer 1

pick your nose, flick it, take a shower

Answer 2

Engaged for 2 months - how long were you together before that?

This is an issue that may not be able to be changed - and I don't think you can accept it without feeling terrible. But, what you don't need is him saying he gave it up and then lying - that is dishonesty and that is a lack of respect. If you love him and want to remain in the relationship - perhaps you can come to terms - he can watch it - but only when you are at the gym or something like that.....Or talk more about sex - if you two aren't on the same page - in the long run - it could hurt the marriage.

Answer 3

My husband is a porn addict, and he's in his 50's. This behavior doesn't stop with age like some women said, and it can develop far worse habits than just some occasional porn viewing. Yesterday I answered a question from a woman who's husband now doesn't even want sex with her without having porn in the background for him to keep it up.
Check out some of the questions I have answered on this subject.
The lying, hiding, sneaking, etc., behavior will drive you out of your mind.
Everytime you go someplace and you know he is home alone you'll know he is doing it, or if he is up in the middle of the night and you wake up in bed alone.
You have to confront him on it NOW. You have to confront him on the honesty issue NOW, or you are going to be wondering what else he will lie about later on through the years.
Every relationship gets tested for honesty and openness, and you need to discuss how he is going to deal with any other differences that may come between the two of you, because being dishonest and hiding things is obviously the worst choice someone can make as to please themself and mislead another.

Answer 4

I don't think you should want to be OK with it. I'm a married guy, and I'm addicted to porn (or rather, in remission after quite a bit of therapy) People can say what they want about it, but I really believe porn makes true intimacy with your partner nearly impossible. I think your fiance may have a real problem with porn as well, especially since he's trying to hide it from you. Real intimacy is complicated; it requires honesty, and it is also based on the trust you must put in each other to reveal and fulfill each others fantasies, sexual and otherwise. Porn makes it easier to avoid the vulnerability of letting your partner know what your deepest desires are, and that vulnerability is what allows you to connect deeply with someone. I think if you know you'll never be ok with it, and you've talked with him and he doesn't want to/can't/won't stop or get help, you need to consider whether this relationship is really going where you want it to. Unless you talk to him and find out otherwise, assume that he won't change, and assume that you won't change. Do you want to be in a marriage like that?

Answer 5

DO NOT change for him in this instance. There are some things that you'll have to do a little give and take on, but this shouldn't be one of them. If he doesn't respect you enough to stop, THEN lies to you about it, he isn't worth it. You need to sit him down and tell him its porn (focus on its a video or picture, not an actual person!) or me (focus on the good stuff you can do!). You could even try making a deal with him...you'll do a striptease every so often or you can wear costumes, etc. That might spice things up to where he can fantasize about you more than the movies.

Answer 6

there is a fine line between an acceptable amount of porn and too much. sounds like he is addicted to it which may seem ok right now while he has the libido, but what about 30 years from now when he's "gettin his kicks on lick 66" while you are a frustrated middle aged woman? it is a prescription for disaster and cannot continue if you want to have a healthy long term relationship.

P.S. you can never change for anyone and neither can he. keep that in mind. you can only change for yourself - same with him.

Answer 7

It sounds like he wants to make you happy. He offered to quit, but must be having a hard time doing it. So he hides it, hoping you won't know and still hoping to make you happy.

But If you knew that he did it before you moved in with him then you should not be asking him to change. You are supposed to love someone for who they are, not what you can make them into.

I do not make a habit out of watching porn myself, but I have never considered it cheating. Going out and finding a real live girl to be with behind your back is cheating.

If you feel that it will continue to drive you crazy then you should sit down with him and let him know how you feel, and that you can't live with it. Maybe for the sake of love you can both come to some kind of compromise. Meet somewhere in the middle instead of it being all your way or all his.

Answer 8

For a while I was the same way as you. I felt threatened by it I think now that I look back at it. This is something that sexually turns him on. What is something you might be more into than him? Guys are different than us, it's just looking to them. They like to look. I'm sure he looks are girls walking down the street too. Don't be threatened by it. He loves you and wants to marry YOU! Not those girls...maybe you could try "soft core"?? If you really don't like it, you'll have to be honest about it. But don't try to expect that he'll stop as it sounds like he's really into it. Porn is a hard thing if one person isn't into it... the best advice? Talk to him about your fears. He sounds like a pretty good guy and will listen and maybe you two can resolve this together. :) Good luck!

Answer 9

You should try watching it together. See exactly what it is that makes him like it. Never knock something until you try. Then after, you can decide it's still a no go. As a woman, I've always thought of porn as a learning tool. No, average women don't do half the stuff that the women in the porn do, but it never hurts to experiment. He cares enough about you to respect the fact that you don't like it, so he hides it. Maybe tell him not to watch it around you. I hope I was of help. Good Luck.

Answer 10

Well if you are that against it and he wants to that bad that even before vows he wants to start sneaking, then dont get married. Or your other alternative is to set done some rules that you BOTH can live with, and let him enjoy is occasionally visit to nudey land. But dont force him into sneaking, or this will be a habit that get bigger and badder and about more than porn. Its not all that bad, porn is highly over rated, but if you cant handle it, then I really suggest that you dont marry. I have to say if you knew he did this before accepting is proposal, and you were old fashion then, then why accept?

Answer 11

Well to be honest your feelings are a beautiful thing. This isnt something you should have to change for anyone. He has an addiction problem. You need to be honest with him and let him know your inner feelings and how it makes you feel, hopefully he would be respectful and ditch the garbage in his life.

I would give him some time to do this but if he dont progress i would walk.

No woman should feel secound to a mans porn addiction