I'm not attracted to my husband!?

Question

My husband is chubby, but so am I. He tells me he finds me attractive, and when he puts on a suit I still get excited but when he goes to bed in boxers it grosses me out. We aren't having sex often.I just can not get into it. Part of it is that he doesn't help around the house and there are things I can't do myself so when he gets home from work I ask him to do those things he says he will and never gets to it. Eventually I nag after about 2 weeks of asking politely. By the time I'm nagging I'm so angry that the idea of being intimate just angers me further. The combination of his appearance and his being a lazy bum is causing a rift. I've talked to him about losing weight and he gets angry (I've been very nice about it and we were supposed to do it together. I've lost 15 lbs. by myself b/c he won't do it with me) and I've been through every way of asking him to help, I don't know what to do but I want to be attracted to him and to want to have sex without feeling obligated.

Notice it said, "so am I" in reference to being chubby. I don't think I'm beautiful but I'm working on it (notice the part about me trying to lose weight). I'm not some horrible person...this is a real problem and I wasn't asking for rude responses but suggestions as to how to remedy the situation. Just because I'm not attracted to him doesn't mean I don't love him.

By the way, I have a full time job too

Answer 1

sounds like the real issue is your resentment and feeling like you aren't important to him except for having sex. it seems like you're frustrated because he doesn't listen to nor respect your requests. you need to sit down with him and tell him that you feel worthless and demoralized when you have to ask him repeatedly to do something for you. that you feel disrespected by him ignoring your needs. i doubt his physique would be (at least as much) an issue if you were happy with the relationship. it seems that the lack of intimacy in your relationship is beginning to seep into the bedroom.
perhaps some therapy? he needs to understand that you can't trust him to do as you request and it's damaging the foundations of your relationship. and you'll need to let go of any resentment you may harbor concerning his lack of effort.

Answer 2

Hire someone to do the jobs he won't do. It'll help keep that anger from building up. Squash any arguments about it by giving him a deadline of two days - no compromises - to get something done that needs to be done around the house. It's always easy to say, 'I'll do it on the weekend' and then not do it for some reason, real or trumped-up.
It will cost him - and you - some money. Money that could be saved by him doing the work. But then, he had the chance and this is the solution for that particular chore; at least it will be done right.
You are mixing up two things here that shouldn't be mixed together. If he lost weight tomorrow and suddenly was a slim and slender stud, but still ignoring requests to do stuff that needed to be done, you'd still be pissed off! However, you'd enjoy having the slender stud as compensation. That would last a few weeks and then you just wouldn't be able to stand the anger and you would hire someone to do the household jobs he refuses to do.
So why not cut to the chase right now - hire people do any and every thing he refuses to do.

Answer 3

I am in a similar relationship, not married though, It really gets old after a while. I finally learned though, that I can't change him in the least, so I needed to focus on myself. I can't make him lose weight, but I've lost 31 lbs. I can't make him do things, so I do what I can and have learned that the rest has to be just let go. Yes, I get angry and frustrated and want to just scream at him, but does it really do any good ?? All it really does is make me angrier, why put myself through that ? Mine even has to be reminded to take a shower, YUK !! Now that is totally gross. I found nagging didn't work then I finally told him grooming is an important factor for me he attempted for awhile. Now rather than change him I follow my normal grooming schedule and refuse to sleep (literaly) in the same bed with him and his nasty self. He has now gotten much better and does shower etc. every day. What it took was only worrying about me and my habits not his and realizing only he has the power to change himself. Sex remains an issue because he is so heavy it makes pretty much any position uncomfortable for both of us. So he has lost some weight and is trying, yes i still love him and yes, I want to be able to be intimate with him again. Best of luck !!

Answer 4

First of all, don't nag, ever. That is the fastest way to drive a man away. I don't know if you have a physical incompacity that prevents you from doing some things around the house but I have a feeling that technically you can do those things. You just think that he needs to do them. I know how you feel. I'm not trying to be rude. My husband does absolutely nothing but go to work and come home. I do everything. I never ask him for help because he either wouldn't do it, or wouldn't do it right. I'm a stay at home mom though. If you have a job then he should help. If you don't work outside the home then you should do it all. But nagging for two weeks will eventually drive him away.

Continue to lose your weight, sounds like you're doing something right. Eventually he will see your new sexy little body and he'll want to lose some too. If he doesn't, sign both of you up at a gym and just make his schedule to go there with you. Tell him that it's the families' money and since it's already spent, he should go.

As for the sex, you'll have to just do it anyway. Spouses are to please each other. Turn the lights off and don't think of anything but him with ripped abs. The feelings will come back. It works. Even when you're not in the mood, you just do it anyway without him knowing you're not in the mood and you'll get into it.

Don't overanalyze things.

Good luck!

Answer 5

The next time he "wants some" tell him you are too tired from everything you have to do, then tell him you've put a honey do list on the fridge and you think you'll be in the mood when all the things on the list have been done... LOL.. then, when he DOES come to bed after the honey do list is done, make sure the lights are off - imagine him as he was when you met...
LOL

Or, start having him do more activities with you that get him up and away from the fridge, tell him you think walking together is romantic or whatever you can get him to do - maybe join a gym - he'll probably go just for the scenery, meanwhile you're dropping those pounds off him... LOL...

Sorry honey, but this is just about every "unhappy" married woman's problem...

Answer 6

I'm encouraged by the fact that you said you do still love him because I was forming a pretty grim impression of you up to that point. Actually what you're describing is a fairly common occurrence: Feeling overwhelmed with inequitable distribution of household duties and a certain "decline" in your husband's appearance causes resentments to set in that make intimacy a strain. From what you've said, you've communicated this to him and even offered to attempt to lose weight together; these are good moves, but have so far been unsuccessful. Maybe now would be a good time to get outside professional help to address all of your marital issues. A professional counsellor may be able to target your husband's resistance to change and help him see the wisdom of making unilateral improvements. Further, the counsellor may be able to help you deal more effectively with your resentment issues, and then things between you two can improve. Good luck to you both; even in the difficult times, keep your focus on the love which endures.

P.S. JB offered some excellent suggestions. I'm impressed!

Answer 7

It really depends on your husband. But here are a few tips. Start making lighter dinners, and if he snacks all day, buy more fresh fruit. Actually I have experienced this. But I did get through it. You also need to take walks in the evening, tell him that it isn't for exercise, it is for time being together. Hold hands. As the days go by, start walking a little faster. Before he realizes he will be losing weight, and will want to keep it going. Now remember it is not going to happen over night. So you will then need to start some other activities up in the bedroom. That is also exercise. In my experience you are still attractive to him, you need to just remember why. Good Luck

Answer 8

I can't give you any advice because Im in the same situation and your right, being lazy and not responsible is REALLY unattractive on top of everything else. I have no advice, just good luck and know your not alone in this situaton



These other answers are grabage, I understand we both gained weight when I got pregnant, and now that we have a gym membership and he promised we'd do it together Im the only one making the ffort to go and eating healthy- Ive lost 7 pounds and hes gained 5. Go you for loosing 15 pound already! I hope you recieve better answers and get one that helps resolve (y)our problem.

Answer 9

1. Congrats on your own weight loss.

2. Ignore the comments from people who are being rude to you on here. You come here to ask for help in your marriage, you do not need to be ridiculed for doing so.

3. I can see where the situation that you are in has become frustrating to you. I am in a similar situation and discussing weight loss with my husband is a no win situation.

Have you tried making healthier food choices when going to the grocery store? Eliminate all the unhealthy snacks and soda from your home. Prepare healthy meals for him. I know that it is a lot of effort on your part but it may work. As far as exercise goes, there is not much you can do if he is unwilling. Ask him to walk with you in the evenings? If he will, that is better than no exercise at all.

In reference to getting things done in the house. I have learned that when he won't do things all I have to do is say that I'm going to either do them myself or call my father or brother in law over to fix them...he gets off his tooshie really quickly. No nagging is needed.

Hope that helps you. Good Luck. :)

Answer 10

Well, dear, it sounds like you are familiar with the symptoms: overweight, procratination, lack of participation. ...

All stem from a Lack of Respect. First, he does not respect himself. Second, there is no place for respecting you. This is the disease whose symptoms you cope with daily.

Lack of sex is also a symptom of Lack of Respect disease. I don't know that you can cure this. I think he's thrown in the towel.

He thinks losing weight is a good thing, as long as You do it.

He thinks maintaining the car is a good thing, as long as You do it.

He thinks having the house clean is cool, as long as You do it.

He thinks having sex is good, as long as You do it....

Lack of Respect permeates every aspect of daily function, from hygiene, to proper nutrition, to being responsible for daily tasks...

So, if you're wondering why you are having such a negative reaction to his symptoms, it is because you are sensing the Lack of Respect.

I think it is incredibly disrespectful to require your partner to go on for 2 weeks just to get a simple task accomplished. Which He thinks would be a good thing to accomplish,..as long as You do it.

Lack of Respect is toxic to relationships. Either he can learn to make responsible decisions about his mode of daily living, or he can't. Eventually, you are going to look around, see that you are doing everything, making an income, and are sadly lacking for a sex life. That's when you know it's over.

You can threaten him, and maybe see a highly manipulated change that he will not be able to sustain, once again dashing your hopes. ....

I'd say let him see the rift. Move into the other bedroom. Focus on what you have to do in a day. Take hot baths, eat right, take a multi-vitamin, and get some sleep. Ignore all of his behaviors. Maintain your bathroom, your room, your kitchen mess, your laundry.

Let him get up and wash his clothes, prepare himself a meal, bathe in a bathrooom he has or has not cleaned.

Eventually he will or will not get the hang of it.

Take your name off joint accounts. Hand him half the bill money. Go out with your friends.
Do whatever it is you do that is not having him be your focus.

You've pretty much lost the War, hon. So, show him the consequences of his inaction. Never discuss any of it again. Focus on what you have to do in a day, and do it.

If he catches on, You win..

If not

You win anyway.

Answer 11

You are not wrong or mean for the way you're feeling. Men have the same feelings after their wives have babies. We as people expect the people we marry to stay the way they were when we first fell in love with them. However, it doesn't happen like that in the real world. Love is suppose to be unconditional and I know you still love your husband or you wouldn't even want to try to make things better. Your husband is aware of his weight problem so there will be no way to get around hurting his feelings. Let him read this post so he see how serious your concerns are. Good luck!