Will he stop being selfish?

Question

My hubby and I have been married 2 years. He came home in Sept 06 out of the military, first time living together. We have a son, but since he came home he's been totally selfish and controlling. Past 3 mths were horrible, I asked him to leave for a week so we would get our priorites in order and miss each other. He says if I wanted him to leave, then we will divorce. He's called the courthouse, found the website and asked me to print out the papers. Since then he's been out drinking all the time, got a second job bartending, staying out till 5 am, without sleep, then going golfin, sleeps all afternoon, doing drugs, lying to me about it. We have a son to take care of and he doesn't care. Finally one night he started packing my things and told me to move out NOW! I didn't have anywhere for me and my son to go then, finally I found a place and move out this week. Now he wants to work on it. He's so controlling to the point I get questioned for shaving my legs. Will he change?

Yes, we tried marriage counseling and counseling by ourselves. And I've been a wife, home everynight, cooking suppers, taking care of my child, playing. I love being a mom and wife, that is my life!!

Answer 1

I stopped reading your question when I got to the part of him doing drugs. You have a son in the home and your husband is doing drugs? Fill out the papers and don't look back.

Answer 2

If he was in active combat while in the military, then maybe he has some resulting psychological problems that he has to work out. That's something that happens when men come back. I know it's not your problem, and you have a LOT to do raising your child, but there might be some sort of counselling that would help you guys out. However, if you bring this up to him, I would NOT say that HE needs counseling...because some guys are very upset but this fact! I would indicate that you both have to get used to each other again, and that you BOTH could benefit from going to talk to someone.

I think your idea of taking a short break from each other sounded like a good one, but if he's feeling insecure about your relationship, then that might have sent up the red flags that you're ready to leave, even though it sound to me like at the time you weren't necessarily ready to leave. But now you are, based on the way he's acting.

You need to do what's best for you and your child. It will take a lot of time and effort on both your parts, but the possibility for change is always there. He might not change entirely, but he might be able to tolerate a lot more of what you do. Not that what you're doing is wrong--it's just not what he wants, apparently. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

Run. Run hard and fast. File for divorce, get support papers in place. Get an education and work toward supporting yourself and your baby. This guy is not going to get better really soon. If and when he does he can buy a house, buy a car and start dating you again showing you that all has changed. If you stay with him he will drag you down and possibly hurt you or your son. You can get out now while you can still walk. If he really wants to work on it then he can work on it separated and get his crap together while supporting his son by paying support and by being with him regularly. If he can not do that, then he also can not be a good husband and partner for you. Go. Work on being a single mom and be proud of it. The pain you feel now will be worse later if you keep hanging on.

Answer 4

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate! The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if you want things to work out. And you need to ask this to yourself without including your child. Don’t stay because you want a father for child, because the way it sounds your husband is in no position to rear your child. If you are seriously considering giving him a chance, then you should do it on terms. Don’t move back in with him until he’s been in and graduated counseling and some type of rehab. I’m not saying that for “just your sake, but for the child’s sake. If your husband decided that going to rehab and counseling is too much for him to handle then tell him it’s time for a divorce. What ever you do, don’t punish yourself for his “bad” behavior and don’t think he’ll change overnight or over a week. If he truly wants to change, then he needs to do it and want it. It’s not something that you can evoke or force on him. If I was you I’d give yourself some time to think about the things that you want in your life for you and your child, then decide if he’s capable of being Mr. Right, or if he’s just Mr. Wrong.

Answer 5

Girl,
i feel for you but unfortunately he will not change. Guys like that have a hard time dealing with their crap that they become selfish. YOu don't need a man like that. I know military realtionships are hard but you have to be the strong one here because of your child. First you have to be a mother then a wife. Was he ever like this before he got into the military or has he been this way since you met him? If things in the military changed him then I would consider counceling expecially about the drugs and for your child if he ever wants to haev a drug free realtionship with his father. I he was this selfish bastard when you met him, then it's your fault for staying in a relationship like that. Now have some courage and get the hell out. He's asking for you back rigth? Now way don't go back and try to fix things yourself, let him see what he's doing wrong and get professional help. You alone won't be able to do it. Turst me you don't want to go back t a realtionship like that. It's not healthy for you or your baby.

Answer 6

I think that you should teel him that you'll go to counseling with him and try to work on these issues that you can't live with. See him on a regular bassis but don't live together teel you know that he has changed maybe give him tell Thanksgiving or Christmass and if he still is acting the same way then you problie should start to look at other alts. If he is not welling to admit that he has this problem then its time to make those changes to move on know especially if he is wanting a divorce and not coming home tell 5am.

Answer 7

Short answer is - Probably not.
He may improve in the short term, he'll tell you everything you want to hear and more, but he will go back to his old ways as soon as he thinks you are in too deep to leave again.
He thought he had the upper hand by telling you to leave with nowhere to go, but when you actually left he realized he really didn't have the upper hand, so now he will do and say whatever it takes to get you back, then when he thinks he is in control again, he will act the same way he was before.

Answer 8

NO - chances are he will never change. Men like that only get worse. You will be the one that changes. You will loose all self respect and self esteem, you will begin to feel like you aren't worth anything, which will affect your ability to be a good mother. You are being emotionally battered, and eventually it will leave bruises!!

If I had to guess, I would say he is probably cheating on you! The fact that he is gone all the time, picking fights with you and trying to control you are good signs that he is. Usually when men are cheaters, they tend to become over-bearing with their wives. They begin to question you about the dumbest things and insinuate that you are cheating! It makes them feel better I guess??!!

You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want your son to become. He will, you know? Your son will learn how to treat women from his father's example. If you allow yourself to remain in this disfunction, you will also be sending a message to your son that it is ok!!

I suggest asking your husband to go to counceling with you. If he refuses, then you should seek counceling for yourself, and then leave the situation behind you.

Good luck! I know it is a difficult decision, but in your heart you already know what needs to happen!

Answer 9

If you are out, then that is where you need to stay. You do not need to go back to him until he has his problems fixed and he can get his act together. He sounds like he has a Borderline Personality Disorder of something very close to that and needs to seek treatment and help.

Selfish is not the word I would use to describe him, that sounds like only one of many and probably the least of your worries. The anger, the drugs, the impulsive behavior and things like that are much more alarming to me than his selfish behavior.

Answer 10

Sorry to say, he won't change. He's emotionally abusive to you and who knows where that will go (likely physical abuse.)

It's hard to admit, but he's so wrapped up in himself that he doesn't care about you anymore. He's selfish, irrational and impulsive. He's a loose cannon. Go to a counsellor by yourself. I'm glad you are moving out. Don' t give him a key. Find a church to get connected with.

God bless.


:)