Okay, men & women, how do I handle this situation? My fiance is a very active and social person and has lived

Question

in the same town for the last 20 years. Needless to say he has dated alot (never been married) and has a wild past (which is why he's never been married). All of "our" friends are really his friends and I'm glad to have couples to associate with. The problem is that I get tired of hearing about "remember when we all..." I try to include myself in the conversations but I really feel like the "outsider". We went on a float trip this past weekend with another couple and most conversations were about past trips and everything that went on and all the "wild" parties they used to go to etc, etc, etc... Sometimes I just feel like the "replacement" woman because every thing we do is stuff he's already done with countless other women. Yes, I knew about his past because he was upfront and honest about and has never tried to hide anything from me. I admire him for not getting married until he was sure he was ready. I just don't know how to handle things and not seem jealous or insecure.

I have talked to him about it and he is very understanding. It's not usually him that brings up the past, rather the people we are socializing with. I've asked him not to say anything to them about it because I don't want to seem insecure or bitchy. I just need advice as to how to deal with it myself.

We've been together a little over a year and I moved away from my home state to be with him. I quit my job of ten years, sold my house and left all my friends and good ole' memories in Tennessee!

Answer 1

You've got a couple of handicaps I think. The first is the small town. Often with small towns you have to have three generations of your family buried in the local cemetary before you're finally accepted as one of the members of the town. The other issue is that in small towns often people have a limited set of interests and thus convesation tends to be more of the past than anything else.

So what to do? Well in terms of getting accepted, see if you can join a few local events. Help out where you can as a volunteer. Gradually the folks will come to accept you as one of their own because they'll get to know you as someone who is like them.

In terms of all the talk of the past, I'd suggest trying to change the subject. As you get better accepted, raise some issues. Maybe talk a little about current global warming question, or the latest political campaigns, stuff like that. Start off with some open ended questions which will initially just get you a terse opinion to which you can respond with "why?" and from there perhaps a conversation will evolve. You could also ask questions about how people feel about various issues. The town itself surely also has a few issues, perhaps raise them and see if that will lead to a conversation.

Unfortunately often people in small towns often have a very limited awareness of the world outside which is why they often have a limited range of things to talk about. So try to educate them a bit about what is happening in the world and see if perhaps you can get them to express a few opinions.

What you can also try is to cut convesations short. Often when people reminisce it's the same story over and over again. After you've heard it two or three times you already know it very well. One way to dump cold water on the story is to interrupt and say something like ... ah yes, and then you did this ... etc. That often puts a real damper on that story. If you can be ready at that moment to steer the conversation somewhere else gradually those stories will end.

Give them something new to talk about and debate and I bet the past will finally be laid to rest.

I hope that helps a little. Good luck!

Answer 2

I can understand how it would make you feel like an outsider, but the fact is you are an outsider, in the sense that you don't have the same history as them..... yet. This is not something that they are knowingly doing to hurt you, this is just a thing that people do when they have known each other for so long. It is called reminiscence. Fortunately my husband and I have been together for years, so we have each other to reminisce with when something we are doing in the present reminds us of something we did in the past. If his friends are talking about your fiance's former girlfriends "in detail" or other specific content that is actually hurtful, then that is a different situation, and I would expect your fiancee to tactfully tell them that he would appreciate not rehashing some of the memories from his past. But if it truly is a "remember when we all..." type of situation, it is understandable. Your guy sounds great. Him being able to be up-front and open with you is very important. Remember, he chose to be with you. Also, the longer you are around and do things with the group, the more you will be a part of the "history" too, and before you know it, you will be able to throw in some of your own "remember whens." Good Luck

Answer 3

I know exactly what this feels like. I was in this situation and for me, it didn't work out and I can share my hindsight.

It will just take lots of time for you to be involved with the crowd. It's only a matter ot time before some of the memories will involve you. When these people get together, the only thing that they can talk about is the memories they have.

I know what it's like to sit through endless conversations with my "new" friends and realize that I'm not included in any of it. It's hard.

Try to keep your jealousy in check. If you let it get out of control, it will ultimately ruin everything. Trust me. This is something only YOU can do. It's not their fault and they can't change their memories.

Go about your new relationships with the goal of making new and better memories for everybody.

Also, It was hard to hear all of the stories about how great and wild the parties used to be. I would often wonder why the parties aren't great and wild now? Is it because I'm here? You need to not fall into that. People's memories tend to always exagerate the postives. Most people remember the "old days" much fonder than they really were.

I guess my advice from a person that's been there and failed is....these are emotions that only you can change, if you continue to let them cloud your new relationships, things will not go well. You love your fiance and it sounds like he does to. In time you will be one of the gang, but if you harbor resentment for not being included in their past, they will hesitate to include you in their future.

Answer 4

I would say remind yourself that he is marrying YOU. He has had a pretty deep past but he chose you out of all those women. I think you saying you might be jealous or insecure is are feelings u can overcome if u just remember that clearly you are the only woman who has what he wants. That means more than any memories he has with other women. If you just keep reminding yourself for a little while that the memories you two make together now are the memories that really matter these feelings will subside with time. Good luck!

Answer 5

Have the two of you set the date? Has he given you a ring? Is the reception hall booked and are you having the invitations printed as we speak? Is 'fiance' another euphemism for 'we're living together and I hope to God it's serious and the word marriage has been mentioned sometime along the way' but there's nothing more?
If you don't have a bonafide wedding in the works, then of course you are on shaky ground. He never married because he was having too much fun? Sounds like marriage didn't sound like much fun to him for 20 years. Question the basis of his relationship with you. When you feel secure with that, you won't be bothered by the past so much. All the time you spend now will someday be considered the past if you do stay together. If.

Answer 6

Okay Wow good question. Oh the good ol times lol... I think when we are all around our old group we all do this but yes it does get old after a while. I would personally try changing the subject. How to do that is whomever is bringing up the old times ask them a question about themselves. For example, so and so I heard you work in a lab, that must be very interesting what part do you like most about it etc... Or sports etc... You can let your fiance about your feelings and I do not think you will sound insecure or jealous just let him know that hearing the same stories gets old and that you feel that you are excluded from the conversation because of them. To me that wouldn't be insecure or jealous, to me it would be good mannors and caring. If that doesn't work, try meeting new people and only get together with those people once a month. I hate to say this becauese it sounds harsh but it really isn't meant to be, but he needs to grow up and get out of the past. He is starting a new chapter in his book and should be making new memories in it. I do have to say that his honesty is a great asset. Good luck

Answer 7

I am sorry, I really know how this feels because I am in the same boat in a way. The only real help that I can give you is that you and him need to find something that you and him can do as a couple no freinds involved. Even if you have to drive to a different town to get away from all of the people he knows do it. It will stregthen your relationship to find friends together and it will make it easier to ignore all of the other comments because you know that you are the one that he picked and even though it's not the first time that he's done something it's the first time that he's done it with you.

Answer 8

It is hard to come into an established place like your fiance's hometown and not feel like and outsider when all your friends are his friends, all the stories are about stuff before you. Time will change that, because as time progresses, those stories and tales will start to include you and before you know it, you are right in there telling the stories as well.

I know, because I live in my wife's hometown and I am in the very position you are in, but now, 60-70% of the stories are things we have done with our friends and the old stories are becoming less common and as more time passes, that will become even more evident. It will for you too, just hang in there and you will see the change slowly. They only talk about the past, because up until now, those are the only stories they have to tell, make more memories and they will get added in.

Answer 9

Don't worry if you guys continue to do things together you will have stories to tell and you will be included into the conversation. I don't know how long you guys have been seeing each other but it takes time to get some sort of past. I mean his reflection on things was probably 30 years or something. I would however talk to him about feeling left out. Then he could bring up something that you guys have done so you won't feel left out totally. I myself was married but have been single and will be single until i'm atleast 40-45.

Answer 10

Make memories with him. Note the places they often talk about and ask him to bring you there. Do not go as a group. Go as a couple. Make meomories. This way, when his friends bring up a topic, he would only be half interested in whatever they say since he is also thinking about the time you were both there. Be creative. Buy a shirt in one place probably, or just do something which he would really appreciate.