My husband kept something from me, how mad is it ok to be?

Question

My husband bought a $1000 gun while I was at my mother-in-laws for two weeks. We dont have enough money to pay our bills and live in a neighborhood where the guy under us was shot when we were home. I know eventually he will need it for his patrol car, but he isn't even done the the Police Academy. The gun isn't returnable and so we have to keep it. He never even told me until I saw it hit a credit card. How mad can I get at him??

I forgot to put that this is NOT a gun for family protection, we have two guns for protection in our neighborhood, this is a high powered rifle that he wants to put in his patrol car in 6months! But we can't even afford our 5month old son!

Answer 1

$1000 dollars worth.
Needless to say, hubby has the "let's use the job as a means of getting something I want but know the wife won't approve of" thing going on. I would say that this behavior is neither new nor going to get better unless you do something concrete.
Try this. Draw up a contract and have him sign it. Take $100 out of whatever allowance he'd normally have each month for the next 10 months (have him physically give you the money) and put it toward something else (you decide). He's going to hiss and moan but it's better to do it now than to wait until the problem causes other problems down the road.

Answer 2

This is a tough one.

First, Don't ask how mad you should be. You are as mad as you are.

If he's going to be a police officer then he's likely to have a lifelong interest in guns. He'll be buying and selling and trading and all that stuff. Which is probably a good thing. The more he knows about guns the safer he will be out there.

It's very possible that he was bored while your were gone, he went to a gun shop or a show and got carried away. Some salespeople can be very persuasive when they are trying to sell you something that you already know you want to buy. We all get carried away sometimes and buy something we really shouldn't.

Doesn't the police deparment issue guns to officers. I thought they weren't allowed to use their own gun. Otherwise, wouldn't most officers be out there with extreme firepower? I know I would.

The fact that he did it while you were gone and that you can't afford it...does show a lack of respect and is frankly reckless. I would be mad about that for sure. You have financial plans together and you can't have him sabatoge them everytime he sees something cool that he wants. Even if it's "for work".

I would for sure tell him that it showed a lack of respect for you and your marriage. Has put you both in a bind. If he bought it on a credit card, you may actually have options for return. Call the credit card company. Otherwise, he can always sell it at a gun show for a loss.

Answer 3

the gun may not be returnable but it is still sellable. He should have waited to buy the gun and at least talked to you about it. I am an avid gun guy but common sense says to wait until you can afford it or sell the other two guns to afford buying the other gun. In any case he is not a cop yet and they are issued guns from the department. let me ask you this if you had 2 perfectly working laptops and decided to buy yourself another one for a 1000 dollars because you might get a job 6 months from now at a firm even though they will supply you with one how would he feel? I would be mad and make him sell it now because that 1000 dollar gun on a credit card will cost you 2000 dollars by the time you are done paying for it.

Answer 4

You have every reason to get as mad as you want. That item was unneccessary, now and later. Now because he hasn't even finished the police academy, and who's to say if he'll graduate from it. And once he does graduate, I would think a police department issues guns to the police. So, as I see it, he didn't even need to buy it at all. Make a few phone calls to find out if it can be returned, don't just take his word for it.

What's even more worrisome to me is his behavior--for disrespecting you. The fact that he would purposely make a huge purchase, behind your back, without even consulting with you about it, doesn't speak well of his love or respect for you. And this is the real issue here. Since you were at his mother's house, he certainly knew where he could find you.
And he also knows your money situation, but he put your family's welfare and finances in complete jeopardy. And then, he didn't bother to tell you about it when you returned home. Was he even going to tell you at all, if you hadn't seen it on the credit card statement. Suppose he would have paid cash, you wouldn't have had anything to clue you in.

I would suggest that, for the future, you set up ground rules regarding major purchases, such as: anything a person buys that costs over $ 100.00 (or another agreed upon amount) must be discussed with the other party. And both parties must agree to the purchase, or it doesn't happen. This way you can both discuss the pros and cons of making a purchase, the necessity of it, the benefits of it, and how it impacts your budget.

Impress upon him that in addition to being a money issue, it's a respect issue. And he needs to figure out how much you, and your marriage, really mean to him.

Answer 5

Are you asking if its OK to mad - yes it is. I'm not sure how you quantify "how" mad you are justified in being.

It was a big purchase and the two of you should have probably discussed it BEFORE he bought it. However, as a man, he is likely thinking 1) I have to have this for my career (which by the way pays him and helps keep a roof over your head) and 2) Someone got shot downstairs from us. I need to be able to protect my family if need be.

In his mind, the expense might be justified. Try to communicate to him (notice I didn't say b*tch him out) that you feel hurt because this was a big expense at a time when you guys don't have much extra money. Tell him that you feel disrespected because he made this decision unilaterally, without discussing it as a couple.

It sounds to me like this is REALLY what you're mad about. Big decisions need to be joint decisions for a couple to have respect for each other. He made you feel like you didn't matter. However, he probably thinks he was doing this for you and the kids, so he feels he is unappreciated.

Talk it out - in the "grand" scheme of things, the $1000 would have been spent anyways, it just wasn't at the most opportune time.

Best of luck to you and hope you can get into a safer neighborhood in the future.

Answer 6

I can't believe the number of people who say "Don't be mad, he's just protecting you" !!!! He's being a control freak - that's what he's doing!!! Spending a thousand dollars and not even telling you!!! And correct me if I'm wrong, but if he is joining the "police force", do they not provide the weapon??? Isn't that where some of your taxpayer money is going??
And this protection crap - do you have children?? Regardless of that, most shootings within the home are "accidents". Do you really want that symbol of violence in your home?

I would seriously take a look at your marriage and communication. What are you willing to live with (or not)???

Answer 7

How open are you about other things in your marriage? This may just be the tip of the ice-burg. If it isn't, talk it over and then let it go. Make him understand that decisions like this need to be made together, especially if you are not financially well off. Money is the root of more divorces than any other cause. Also, police have a higher divorce rate so you will really need to work on your relationship. Remember, he'll work long hours in difficult, stressful and possibly dangerous situations. You need to have good lines of communication to make it last but it is doable with lots of love and commitment. Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

First of all I hate guns, had a bad experience with one. With my ex husband. I'd go with Sweaty Buttocks. Tokyo will for sure get you killed.Tokyo girl has it twisted. She sounds like she,s talking to a kid. Take his checkbook, credit cards and give him a weekly allowance, and she is a top what? My X was a cop and your husband is full of it I do believe. He never carried a high powered rifle in his car. They provide that when they go out on drug raids or whatever. And even if they told him he will need this later, and I don't believe it, as you said he isn't even a police officer yet. None of this is making any since to me. I wouldn't trust him as a cop either. He sounds like the kind of cop that would get out here and take advantage of people to me. He thinks guns make him a very powerful person, for he sure does have enough of them.You sure he is not a hood? Sounds like a thug to me.

Answer 9

Pretty darn mad.

While your husband can make an argument that the gun is for defense & for when he eventually goes into & finishes the PA, but he could have easily told you & gotten a cheaper gun.

I would make sure that he doesn't have access to the checkbook, credit cards, ect for a while. Give him a weekly allowance. If he complains, just tell him that until he regains your trust he can not lay hands on the funds.

Even the most stable marraiges can fall apart over money. I think that the two of you are overdue for a long talk.

Answer 10

I think you have to be careful about how to approach him about it. You want to make sure you're not being accusatory as he likely already knows he probably shouldn't have bought the gun without consulting you, which is why he did it.

Just let him know that you had wished he had told you ahead of time so you could both plan to manage your finances better in anticipation for it. Let him know that because you're both in a tight bind with money, that it's important that you both know about all major purchases even if one of you may not like it because it's better to know and be upset than to not know at all.

That being said, you have every right to be mad. Just try not to take it all out on him.