love
Her eyes stared back at me, a cornflower blue,
Porcelain skin, slick from the sweat, like morning dew.
Legs are as perfect as any long distance runner,
When you put it all together, a perfect stunner.
When we make love, it's kind of like poetry,
The rhythyn, the meter, a perfect soliloquy.
She wears me out, with her youth and pace,
There is no place I'd rather be, lost in her lace.
After a rest and some Kristal champaign,
like two virgin teens, our lust gone insane.
I'd rather be here, in her arms, us together,
Wild horses couldn't drag me away with a tether.
A woman is like something wild and free,
not to be kept in a chamber, under lock and a key.
A woman is best when she knows she has love,
By a man who will trust her, to return like a dove.
But I could be happy, never leaving this place,
Joyfully playing and flailing and kissing her face.
Nothing could bring me, any more joy than this,
As she rises in the morning, on my lips a sweet kiss.
2007-06-20 06:58:41 · 12 answers · asked by The Dark Prince 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
You actually know something about meter! What a relief! However, many of the rhymes are forced (ex: "lost in her lace") and there are some juvenile expressions and cliches: "it's kind of like," "wild horses couldn't drag me away," "under lock and key," among others. However, I love the expression "joyfully playing and flailing," certainly a picture of (very) young people enjoying sex.
2007-06-20 07:25:03 · answer #1 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 3⤊ 2⤋
It's quite beautiful, well done.
Not a lot left to say apart from...Mind your spelling...
If you want to infer that you know something about "Champagne", ya gotta at least spell it correctly...
On that note, Kristal is over rated. Veuve Clicquot is a cheaper and far superior champagne, though it could be difficult working that into a rhyming scheme...!
Write as much as you can while this feeling lasts. It's the most beautiful form of inspiration...
And don't forget to simply do nothing, and enjoy just "being".
D...
ps. Show her, or better yet, read it aloud to her...
2007-06-20 15:08:10 · answer #2 · answered by Irish D.... 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it. I found when writing about love, you've gotta be careful. You use too many cliches, and so do I. In fact, I don't know any writer who doesn't use them. Anyway, try to stay away from them. Other then that, beautiful poem. The imagery is amazing. Don't let the egotistical trolls get you down!
2007-06-20 14:54:24 · answer #3 · answered by future_writer_dreamer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to put heart and mind on it. It feels force it. Sorry I can't tell you this with property 'cause I'm spanish speaker, but I can feel the sound and picture of the words and their suppose meaning. I think you should try to be less romantic and more modern in the writing. And less rythm... Go ahead, keep working hard, it's the only thing that will take out the genius that lay on you.
2007-06-20 14:46:53 · answer #4 · answered by timmysanz 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It is erotical poetry, or maybe just erotica. I agree with Polly, it does lack soul. You are just leading us through the ..........events that occured. It is pretty but i wasn't touched really. You've got the talent though.....!
2007-06-20 16:29:44 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very very forced. Take heed from what others say here and write with more soul please if you want us to take this as seriously as you would like us to.
The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of things to worry about from science, along with behavior control, genetic engineering, and transplanted heads, but we should also add computer poetry.
2007-06-20 14:31:08 · answer #6 · answered by Superdog 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Ohhhh!!!! Holy Mary and Jesus!!!! What a poem...I can't...explain it, no words can describe this poem, beautiful, sensational, captivating, sensual, tempting, intense...and so on.
OH my undercover poet, absolutely wonderful writing.
Your angel is proud of you
Marilyn
2007-06-20 16:52:24 · answer #7 · answered by . 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Woop oop oop oop. I`m trying to think but I just keep getting deleted.
2007-06-20 14:54:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It was very beautiful! Your wife would love that.
:)
kara
2007-06-20 14:48:55 · answer #9 · answered by Kara P 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are great at ryming but it lacks soul. It doesn't move me or make me want to remember it.
2007-06-20 14:05:18 · answer #10 · answered by Polly 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋