Please don't think me racist. It's my stepfathers birthday next week (he's from Glasgow) and I have been asked to prepare a speech. As well as the usual flowery family bit I want to stick in a few (preferably clean) Scottish jokes. Any ideas?
2007-06-20 06:17:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Other - Cultures & Groups
Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
"Anything I can get you, Hughie?"
No reply.
"Have you got a last wish, Hughie?"
Faintly, came the answer. . . "a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder."
"Wheesht, man," said Maggie, "you know fine that's for the your funeral."
2007-06-20 06:58:42 · answer #1 · answered by sevenscarabs 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Gordon Brown, Tony Blair, John Reid, and most of the cabinet are all jokes. Running England.
2007-06-20 08:35:03 · answer #2 · answered by Tracker 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Do the old Billy Connelly favourite,. it's long so bear with me,....
A signalbox operator is working one day when his boss comes in and asks if he's ready for promotion,. "yes boss, very ready!",... so, the boss says to him he has to take a theory test the next day.
The following morning the employee arrives, with his boss; "Ready son?" - "Yess boss, ready!",..
Boss: "Ok son,. part 1. You see a train going north and a train on the same track going south heading for each other, what do you do?"
Employee: "Right,.. you pull THIS lever and seperate the tracks in the middle".
Boss: "Great son, just great, ok so what do you do if THAT lever fails?".
Employee: "I run down the track as fast as I can and pull the seconday trackside lever".
Boss: "Fabulous son, great! Ok so what do you do if THAT fails?".
Employee: "I run home to get my grandpa!"
The boss now looks very worried and very confused,.
Boss: "what do you mean by that son?"
Employee: "Well, that's coz ma grandpa's never seen a train accident before!".
:oP
2007-06-20 06:27:56 · answer #3 · answered by wildimagination2003 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
2007-06-20 06:20:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Hello
Why do the Scotsmen wear the kilt?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away!
How was copper wire invented?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
Michael
2007-06-20 06:33:43 · answer #5 · answered by Michael Kelly 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
that was a very funny joke. i'm from england, so don't worry about offending people. i get offendded so easily!!!! you should definately post more jokes like this one. bonus joke: what do yo ucall a cow with no legs? ground beef!!!!!! lol
2016-05-20 22:35:27 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
alright this one will nock ur socks off.
so their three guys in a dessert and find magic lamp so they rub it. u know three wishes and all that. The first guy is black and wishes all his people to be happy and back to home country poof so it is so. the second guy is mexican and wishes for his people back to his home counrty and be happy. poof it happens. the last guy who is scottish says so all the n****** and spits are gone then i'll guess i'll have a soda.
2007-06-20 06:22:56 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
this comic used to say-oo tight as a scot? when we asked what that meant hed say -they are so tight they wouldnt give a door a bang..... a little rude maybe ?
2007-06-20 09:47:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The football team
2007-06-20 06:19:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
If you were knocked down by a shelele,it was not one of us....we use a caber.
2007-06-24 03:35:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋