moving out for the right reasons, any input is appreciated!!!!?

Question

I have been in a relatoinship with my fianance now (in total ) for over a year, until recently, she has had a difficult time controlling her anger and emotions. I was the one who stepped back and made the responsible decision (we are both 26 years old) that we both were not obviously ready for marriage, and that we should think about it more before planning a wedding.

SHe went on a big tirade and even ripped her dress, and screamed and yelled, before grasping numerous kitchen knives (large ones), and pointing them at her chest. I had to forcefully remove them from her, at which point I notified her doctor and parents, she kept telling me over and over that she wanted to die.

I have decided that I am in a really bad situation and am moving out this Friday (without her knowing). I do not simply feel safe in my own home. she has done very little to correct it, and her mother is convinced that she is fine. Am I doing the right thing here?

Answer 1

You are doing the right thing if you feel unsafe. I doubt if you can help her right now. Perhaps later, if she seeks help on her own.

Best of Luck

~

Answer 2

Stick to the plan you are doing the right the thing. Obviously this is what your instincts tells you to do, as it should because this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Your girlfriend seems unstable.....we all probably know and love someone that is BUT you should be very aware of what your doing when it comes to marriage. I am 29 years and am not married. I was engaged and called it off myself, it's not easy to do but in the long run it's far easier than dealing with a commitment that you knew deep down inside that you should have never committed to in the first place. More than likely this is not the first sign of her unstableness but the one that made you say ok this is too much. To be honest with you the fact that you need to secretly move out after the episode is another sign of your relationships lack of communication and maturity. Don't fool yourself into thinking you played a part in her behavior either. I've had boyfriends that have pulled some really crappy things on me through out the years...people I really loved and you just can't react that way over things. Nothing you could have done would have warranted that response. I do understand why you want to leave without her knowing, I think you probably should do it that way, I'm just saying to watch your own behavior as well because your trying to avoid situations where you know she's going to freak out. You already know who and how she is. Her mother my have the similar issues....so don't pay to much attention to her opinion. I'm sure your aware that people don't really change (unless of course they really want to). Don't let a few months of what seems like change fool you either. Sorry if this seems a little rough, I know you must love this girl but be really careful....marriage is SUPPOSED to be forever.

Answer 3

Yes you are! This girl need some serious help and it sounds as if her parents are enabling this type of behavior.
She needs some type of bi-polar or psychotic drug to manage her fears and anxiety issues. But unless you really love her and find her good moments are worth it, then you should leave and never look back.
Don't be swayed by her manipulations either. My wife's son used to "kill" himself whenever he didn't get his way. The last time he did this was when I convinced mommy to stay away from the hospital. When the gig was up, he quit pulling these stunts.
However, you might want to inform someone who cares about her that you will be doing this on Friday. I really think she will need to have someone around her so that she doesn't do anything stupid if you know what I mean.

Answer 4

Well, I feel like your fleeing a sinking ship. If you love the girl, irregardless of whether or not she is totally crazy, you should definitely find her help. If you loved her enough to marry her before all of this happened, you should love her enough to get her the help that she needs after the damage has been done. Your moving out will only hurt the situation more. Even if what I say doesn't make you want to stay, it's the rudest thing you could possibly do to just walk out on the situation. You definitely need to tell her where you're going and give her a chance to say something for herself. Moving out without a word about it beforehand is a horrible thing to do. You'll regret it and more than anything, you'll hurt her more than if you would have been straightforward.

Answer 5

You have to do what you feel is right for you. Having extreme emotions maybe a sign that she needs to get medical help. It's a serious matter when someone threatens to harm themselves. If it were me I would probably contact her parents to let them after you have left that you have left but you are concerned about what she might do. Let them know you care about her but right now you don't feel safe and don't know how to handle this situation. Tell them that you are contacting them because you are concerned for her safety (if they aren't aware of the knife situation tell them) and you feel she really needs to get some help with managing her emotions. Let them know that you just don't feel that you have the ability to help her and she won't listen to you so you feel you have no choice to be put some distance between you for the time being. Encourage them to have her see a physician to see if she's dealing with depression, chemical imbalance, etc. They may not want to listen to you and may even be offended that you are leaving but at least you have done a responsible thing so if she does do something you and they both know you tried and didn't just leave. My prayers are with you.

Answer 6

Get the F out and don't look back. It will only get worse. Life with someone like that is MISERABLE, I know, I spent 5 years with someone with the same problem. Her nutso spells came a week before her period and lasted for 4 or 5 days, she would throw things, yell, hit, put me down endlessly. I am mellow so I never responded, I would leave the house and visit friends or go to a bar. Eventually I got fed up and one morning I pretended to get ready for work and when she left I took my stuff and disappeared.

Answer 7

I think so, it seems that she is unstable and needs some help, If you fear for your safety, then moving out might just wake her up and she will see you are serious, I left my husband of 13 years and he realized after I left all the things he was doing wrong, don't end up like me and put children and family in a situation that they are having to worry about you all the time, it is not worth it. I think you moving out is a hard choice that you made and it is a good one

Answer 8

Yes you shouldn't be living together if you are not married. Marriage is a commitment for life. You had better be very sure, before you say your vows. Move out and have no intimate contact with her again until your wedding night, if you do finally decide to marry her. If you think she will change just because you get married, you better think again.

Answer 9

I think you are right. She obviously needs some help and you have done the right thing by trying to help her get some. If she hasn't even tried to get help then she probably will not change and if you don't want to spend the rest of your life living with someone who acts this way you are making the right decision.

Answer 10

Dear BB,

Absolutely, yes! You are doing the exactly right thing. This young woman has problems that you are not qualified to fix. On top of that, can you imagine having children with her (who might also have the same problems) and allowing her to be alone with them all day?

Her mother is in denial, bless her heart, and it is going to cost her a daughter if she doesn't wise up.

Leave. Give no contact information to her. Take a deep breath, and don't let yourself be tempted to renew the relationship. You are well out of this one!!

Good luck, hon.

Answer 11

I would do the same thing. But, you need to communicate your feelings to her. You can't "just leave". That solves absolutely nothing. I would take her to a public place away from all kitchen utensils and discuss things with her (maybe a public park). People don't usually act as irrational if they know others can witness their bad behavior.