How do I stope being a control freak?

Question

It's driving my poor boyfriend crazy! He is on the verge of leaving me.
We had a big blow-up yesterday and he told me that I'm not the same person I was when we met- that I've become a control freak. I argued with him because, well, I'm always right! Haha just kidding. He made me realize that I AM a control freak in every aspect of my life and I want to change.
My question is, how? Where do I start? I pay so much attention to what he does with his free time, and need to know everything. I get really jealous when he hangs out with his friends. I don't let him clean, do laundry, cook, anything. I thought I did it out of love, but now that I think about it, I do it because I want it to be done right! It's actually caused him to be more lazy and just sit around all the time because he knows I'll get everything done!
I don't know, if anyone has been through this before and has figured it out, I'd really appreciate some help. Help me save my relationship. I know he is THE ONE. Thank you

Also, I wanted to add we are in our early twenties and have been together for 3 years. Living together for almost that whole time.

Thank you all for being so serious. I was expecting a lot of really rude answers but am very pleased! Keep em coming!

Answer 1

I have been considered a control freak my whole life. What I finally figured out was I was trying to control everything and everyone around me to make up for the fact I felt I had no control over myself. What did I do to stop? Well, I took a good long look at myself and came to accept that no, I am not perfect, no, I am not always right, no, I am not the only one who knows how to do things the right way. It's taken a long time but with a lot of work on my part, I have let go of those outside things that I can't control, have no business controlling and are not worth controlling. I feel much freer in mind and spirit. I know longer worry about what everyone else is doing. I only concern myself with me and my actions. I still need to stop myself sometimes, but it is getting easier. Relationships are easier, I am free to be who I am and people around me are free to be who they are. I am a much more likeable person now and my new sense of FREEDOM is such an amazing feeling. Start with some really deep soul searching.

Answer 2

Okay this is like a bad habit they are really hard to quit, so it will take time and support. So the first step is sitting down with your boyfriend and explain to him that you love him enough that you want to change because you know that what you are doing is not healthy. The first step is already done, you know you have a problem that it's hurting someone you love and that you need to stop. Next step, you need to find something that you can do with your time something that involes getting out of the house or something that can take your mind off of your boyfriend. Third step, while you are doing this your boyfriend will be cooking supper. Yes this is a small step but it is something that needs to be done. Now do this for a week. Fourth step, do your laundry and only your laundry, now this will be harder than the first couple of steps because it effects you if he does not do his laundry when you do yours. Remember it is his laundry do not touch it. Put a sign up if you have to. Do this along with the first task for two weeks. Last step now....find little things to leave alone. Make a chart of chores if that will help. You have yours and he has his and neither one of you is aloud to touch the others chores. Think of it like a vacation when you don't have a chore to do that is one less thing that you have to worry about. The only other thing that is good to do is keep a journal of your progress good or bad. Put in it when you did your bad habit why you did it and how you felt when you where doing it. That way you can keep track of how well you are doing on a daily basis.

Answer 3

Stop Being A Control Freak

Answer 4

#1 talk to him and tell him you want to get better.
#2 teach yourself to let go -- I lost my sister when she was just 38, she had a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I learned that there are more important things in life than having a spotless house all the time. Enjoy what you have while it is still there -- you never know when it will be gone.
#3 Be spontanious -- after dinner instead of doing the dishes right away do something he like to do -- the dishes can wait a few hours.
#4 When he goes out with his friends do something you enjoy -- not housework though.

The things I have learned that hold a relationship together are:
time away from each other
open/honest conversation
and trust.

If the two of you can keep those values alive in your relationship you will have a much longer history together.

Answer 5

Stop living together and get your own place. There, you'll be able to enjoy having the environment you want just the way you want it - there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to break up with him and you can't possibly be controlling from where you are, independent and living separate from him.
What could possibly be the reason to live with the guy for so long? You are wasting precious time that you could be learning about being secure in yourself. This is not a great deal for you and it is the answer to every insecure woman's prayer. Pretend to be someone's wife with all the rights to pry into his business while he basically does nothing but have you wait on him while he essentially splits the rent as he would with a roommate.
Get going and get a real life. You may not have been so controlling to begin with but it is never a great idea to 'play house' and think it means anything other than being some guy's maid and financial contribution to the rent.
Think I'm being harsh? Notice, I never said break up with him. He can spend as many nights at your place and days for that matter as he wants. But won't it just kill you to know that as well as you having a real life on your own, he will have one too.
At the bottom of all this is your insecurity. And your insecurity is fed by this 'fake' commitment that ultimately you know can end after the next rental lease is up. Ask yourself the real question that matters - why hasn't this guy married you?

Answer 6

Don't worry about the things you cannot control, because you can't control them.
Don't worry about the things you can control,
because you can control them,
See a theme emerging here?
The best way to drive a man out of your life is to do exactly what you are doing now.
In life, the only certainties being death and taxes, not to mention how God laughs when human beings make plans, I have to tell you that the real power is sometimes laying back and not having any opinions on how other people should run their lives, and let them do their own thing.
Men, such fickle creatures, the more you try to hold on, the more they slip away.
Your way of life, it's obsessive-compulsive, and you might need to address this in some form of professional help, because in therapy they can give you tools and life-exercises in order to slowly change the way you think, look and do things.
Your goal is to reach a balance and compromise and inner peace that you might be lacking, since this type of behaviour is usually intensified when you feel deeply unstable about different aspect of your life, and are trying shape matters to fit a certain type of order, security and stability.
Take care,
Irene.

Answer 7

Start doing some "immersion" therapy on yourself. Give over 2-3 of the household tasks. Let him do it. Don't say a thing. Don't do it over. Don't criticize. Don't tell him how to do it. Then as you experience the range of emotions from anxiety to panic, journal all your thoughts and feelings. Use some relaxation techniques too like deep breathing, listening to music, take a bath, etc. Then talk about it with him. The more you get used to riding that emotional roller coaster you'll begin to recognize those feelings in other areas and will put into practice calming yourself down.

Answer 8

I was a major control freak. My husband left me for awhile and I didn't think we'd make it, but we did. I guess, unfortunately, actually losing is what made the difference for me.

What helps now is that I am just so incredibly grateful to have him around, that those little things don't matter. In my mind I see him doing or saying something that I want a different way, but I just smile to myself and say, "It's not a big deal. Let him have that." and I do.

Occasionally I'll intervene and insist on things a certain way, but I'll see that look of disappointment in his eyes and change my mind. It's not worth losing the man I love for some silly obsession that I can control. Good luck with it. It's hard to do, but it's more rewarding thatn controlling every moment of his day.

Answer 9

Ok... guys like to feel like they are theboss..and now you are acting like you are always the right one.. you need to let your bf feel like the man of the house and the right one...
you should let him cook for you sometimes bc that's romantic...even if he does a mess..so what later clean up...lol it's tough i know..but i use to be the same way... and like when he goes out with the guys ...if he really loves you..(which i believe he does...since it's been 3 yrs) he will rescpect you...i know it's hard bc i've been through the same thing..but you need to let him be himself with the guys.... and ask how it went when he got home but dont get into details or he will think you dont trust him.. u know?

I stopped controling and now my bf asked me to marry him in february....and it's been 3yrs and 1/2 we've been together..who knows things might work out...and have a talk to him and say listen ..i really love you and i dont want anything to happen between us so im gonna change ...little by little i will make a change...ok?
I always said that no one should change for no body...but if he is the one maybe you should make an exception....

Answer 10

okay, slow down on the questions: where have you been what have you been doing who did you go out with also let the house cleaning go, go out pick some friends and tell them what is going on and ask them to call you more often to go out just you and them. Leave him alone in the messy house and come back in two to three hours. Do not and I repeat do not do a darn thing around the house for as long as you can go one better leave it again do it three weeks in a row see what happens. It may not stop the situation from exploding as you are speculating but it may give you some insight into yourself. I hope it helps. I have been the one controlled same age same situation but it was the guy not myself doing what you are doing and yes if you keep it up he may chose to leave or work it out but you have to give him the choice first. Talk before you do anything though that what I said earlier if plan A doesn't work out.

Good luck. Many blessings to you I am praying hard on this one,lol!