question for long term relationship people...?

Question

so i have been living with my fiancee and her 6 yr old son for 6 months now in a house that we bought together...

she is a good girl, a very smart and studius person, and honest to a fault...who just graduated from masters school and is looking for a job.

i am having a very major situation with her over the last couple months...its that our relationship is migrating in a direction that i do not like at all...

its like i am constantly the 'bad guy' i dont do enough housework EVER! if i took off a day from my 8-10 hour a day job to clean ALL day she would still have complaints that i do not do enough...

my job, which is hard and not so rewarding on the cash end, has her bugging me everyday to get a new one, which i am actually starting to send out resumes and honestly look for something that is all around better for me...

another thing is that when we didnt live together it was sex 4-5 of the 7 days a week i would go out with her. now i am lucky if once a week i get mine

and when we do get it on, its more like she is doin me a favior than it is, a desired situation...

i am just sick of being held at such arms length by her...and there practically is no talking about this...

my question is...do i give this thing some more time...or is it time to pack up my gear and head on out of this thing...

ahhh...to the dumbasses that think that i just moved in with her the second we met...we dated for 5 years first...geez

Answer 1

If you marry under these circumstances, you're in for a very long, bumpy road. The sex issue is enough of a problem to keep you both from being happy and satisfied.
Keep looking for a job that you find rewarding and will pay you for the work you do. You might consider moving out and slowing things down a bit. There's no need to rush into a marriage, especially with the doubts you have. Good luck.
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Answer 2

It might be time to do some serious reexamination of the situation. How did you end up buying a house after being together only 6 months? Was this your idea or hers? Is she manipulating you? The housework thing is always an issue and it takes time to come to a kind of compromise on stuff like that but the lack of sex thing could be a signal of a problem too. Usually in the beginning like that a couple is on a sex high and can't do it enough. Even with the kid around why is she acting like she is doing you a favor when you are together? Do some thinking about it all and decide what will be good for you. Good Luck

Answer 3

Heh. Been there.

Okay, this is what you do: sit down with your gf once the tyke is asleep and start off with, "In the interest of good communication . . ." (because women can't NOT pay attention when it is phrased like that) ". . . there are several things in our relationship that I think need to be addressed. They're making me feel bad, and it troubles me about the future of the relationship." You've said "relationship" TWICE in one sentance, and mentioned the future and feelings. She should be about to faint.

OK, this is when you REALLY hit her. Make sure you incorporate the following points:

1. I was more than happy to move in with you BUT there seem to be some issues here that are causing problems. I like a clean place as much as anyone, and I understand there's a child who lives here. But I did not move back home with my mother, and you scolding me for housework makes me feel like I did. I find it demotivating and building resentment. We can come to a reasonable compromise, I'm sure, but the haphazard bitching about it must cease.

2. I am open to finding another job. But a job is an important thing in a man's personal life, and I'd appreciate it if you would not "motivate" ("nag") me any more about it. I find it makes me feel discouraged and unmotivated.

3. I can put up with the other stuff a lot more if our sex life was better. I moved in with you because you were my girlfriend. When I moved in, you stopped acting like a girlfriend. If you are no longer sexually attracted to me, I need to know it NOW. I still find you attractive, and I find sex reduces my stress and resentment level tremendously. When we have the kind of sex we have been having, it doesn't give me much hope for a long and happy future together. I don't see our relationship progressing any further until this is rectified.

4. While I love you dearly, I want to look upon our relationship as a positive thing. These things have been making me feel bad about myself and my relationship. I'm doing the best I can, and if that is not good enough, then perhaps this is not the best place for me. I'm going to go out for a few hours, now, and let you think about what I've said, and we'll talk about it when I get back.

Then leave. Have a beer. Play some pool. When you get back home, she'll either be in a garter belt with tears in her eyes or your suitcase will be waiting for you at the front door. Either way, you'll have established where you stand and eliminated the problem.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I've been there. As the woman.

And to be honest, yes you do have a shot to repair it.

HOWEVER, I didnt start acting like that until year 4. So 6 months already is a big red flag. She is starting to take advantage of you being there. And whether she knows it or not, she wants you to be something or someone else, especially now that she is going to be living with you under one roof for a long time.

I started acting that way because I got tired and bored and it was "never enough" for me. I couldnt help it, but it just happened. I didnt appreciate him as much as I did, and didnt desire him as much as I did. The reason being, there was nothing he could do that I could do better (hence the appreciating part), and nothing left to desire (he was in my face all the damn time). No mystery... no nothing. The spark was gone.

I ended it before things got worse.

But 6 months... 6 months you better fix it now. Or else it will remain this way for the long run.

Answer 5

I think you two should talk.. about your differences. If you want to make your relationship works, then you should accept each others ways. She should understand that she cannot change you, and vise versa. I know it is hard, I'm also living in with my partner , but we have never had any arguments about anything at house ( I also have a 9 yrd old daughter too). We try to adjust and be vocal to each other if we think something is not right. We both work 9 hrs a day, but when he gets home, I usually let him rest and relax.. I don't force him to do anything. He does his chores anyway without me commanding him to do it. I am not sure but I think your GF so demanding? I think both of you should attend some of those seminars about relationships and how to make it work and last forever. It is a give and take and a lot of compromises to make it work. But also understand her that she has a 6 yr old son which can be stressful to handle too.

Answer 6

It's tough, cause you bought a house together. She shouldn't be making you feel like you're just not enough for her. Don't clean good enough, don't have a good enough job, and it's a chore for her to have sex with you. She should've thought about what she really wanted, before she made the decision she did. I guess she's the breadwinner, huh? Not that it should matter, but maybe it matters to her. I'm glad she's done good for her and her child, but maybe she has a problem with the household not being 50-50. Talk to her. Ask her what's on her mind, and have an adult conversation.

Answer 7

sounds like she's having issues with her degree is probably gonna bring in more $$ than what you do. Some women can handle that, some can't. If you're honestly trying, and doing all you say you are doing, ya'll need to do one thing: COMMUNICATE. Lay it all out on the table. It may be the smallest thing that is bugging her, and has festered into this mountain.

I'm sure when the air is cleared, the physical part will come back around. Us girls know how to make you guys suffer, LOL.

Best of luck to you. If you love her, stick it out... If you don't, go ahead and get out... it'll be easier and more fair on everyone.

Answer 8

I don't see the situation getting better if you don't talk about it with each other. It shouldn't be like this ever, but especially not after 6 months. She seems to be a selfish person. If you can't even talk to her about it to try to resolve it, then I don't see it working in the long term. It's just too bad she has her 6 year old caught in the middle of this.



To clarify - I didn't think you had only been together for 6 months. I meant 6 months of living together. So I hope you aren't referring to me as a dumbass............

Answer 9

you left out you were together for five years first! Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her!!! If it doens't work leave. My husband and I have been together nine years, sex is great and it's rare that it's once a week. She might need a reality check and needs to know you cannot take anymore. COMMUNICATION is the key to a LONG term relationship. Tell her you feel you cannot do anything right or make her happy and you cannot live like that but are willing to help out as much as you can. Some women expect WAY too much from a man and don't get that men don't see things like we do. My husband's ex wife was like this, never happy and expected too much. My husband has never cleaned the house but I expect him to pick up after himself but he does the outside work and other things. Life's too short to be with someone who makes you feel bad.

Answer 10

She wants u 2 b on the same "level" she's put herself on since receiving her masters. My guess is that u aren't good enuff any more and r just a convenience for being a babysitter and maid. I'd cut my losses and have her buy out my half of the house or vice versa. Everything u guys have done-u did 2 soon. Next time, find someone who appreciates what u give her-this chick ain't the one.