How to rebuild my self-esteem?

Question

I have finally found strength to file for divorce from my very physiologically abusive husband. He is not a bad person but extremely controlling and manipulative. His love was not empowering but suffocating. Now that I have started seeing someone else I still find it surprising that someone can like me the way I am, can adore me instead of criticizing, find some of my traits charming rather than annoying. And I know deep inside that what he sees in me is true: I am a very attractive, smart, charismatic and witty woman and still I cannot shake off the feeling that I am unworthy, or in my soon to be ex's words "good for nothing". Where do I start to rebuild my self-esteem again, to become myself again?

Answer 1

.....the new relationship will help a great deal. Meanwhile, spend some time reflecting on your best traits, your strengths, your accomplishments in life - including this divorce. Give yourself full credit for each thing, appreciate yourself, acknowledge that you are your own best friend...and your self-esteem will get a great boost.

Answer 2

You need to start looking at yourself through your own eyes instead of someone else's. You need to spend time doing things you enjoy, improving skills you are proud of, helping others. Other people will appreciate the good things about you, but remember it is what you think yourself that matters most. Your comments about being "very attractive, smart, charismatic and witty" are a good start. How often do you tell yourself those things? Do it more often. And be sure you visualize what you are saying. Write them down and read them every morning. Add to the list often.

Remind yourself that your husband's expressed opinions were just that, and not any universal truths. I strongly suspect that he lied. If you were "good for nothing", why would you have been worth all the time he spent manipulating and controlling you? And perhaps you should also rethink your ideas about what makes a person good. I think the behaviors you described are my idea of evil, not good.

So, congratulations on deciding to think for yourself and take care of yourself. I wish you good work instead of good luck, because I am sure that if you do the work you will succeed.

Answer 3

Lina - Self Esteem is the FEELING you have about yourself. It is your opinion about you. Make a list (WRITE IT DOWN) of all the negative things you say to yourself about yourself, all of your self-criticisms. Then go over the list and try to figure out why you criticize yourself for that and when you started. You will find most of your SELF-criticisms originally came from someone else criticizing you and now you are just repeating what they said.

The way to really stop the self-criticism is to heal the hurt feelings underneath the criticism. In his book, "Heal the Hurt that Sabotages Your Life," Bill Ferguson states that the bottom line for everyone is the feeling of "I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, etc." The way to get over these negative thoughts and feelings is to really FEEL them. If you really are thinking the thought, then just concentrate on the feeling. Go as deeply into as you can. CRY your eyes out. Once you really feel the feelings, they just dissolve. If you take one issue a day for 30 days and really work it through your self esteem will just soar.

Answer 4

Well, I think that you have already done that, by finding someone that actually appreciates your many good qualities. Having the right input from the people you associate with.

Being aware that you actually have something to offer everyone you are interacting with is just something you have to embrace as a simple fact. No one is worthless. It is something that you can prove to yourself on a daily basis by what you do for the people around you.

I am going to ask you a simple question. Do you not have any girl friends who can offer you emotional support, and direction for those feelings of inadaquacy? Your friends are very important in your self esteem, and can make the difference in how you view yourself. I think you're on the right road, but, you just need daily sign posts from some of your friends to keep you moving toward the place you want to be. Achieving goals you set are also very important. Nothing does more to lower your self esteem than to feel like you have failed at something. When you set out to do something make sure you keep at it till you get it done.

Most successful people will tell you to make a list of things you want to achieve, and actually check them off as you achieve them. When you run out of list, make a new list.

To sum up. Set goals. Achieve goals. Have a support group of trusted associates and friends to keep you on the road of seeing that the person you want to be is the person you can and will be.

Answer 5

Well, it sounds to me like you are on the right path. You were able to list your attributes in a very positive way. Continue to believe in yourself. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments and reward yourself regularly. Don't beat yourself up when you have a bad day but try harder the next day to trust and believe in your ability to find happiness. Live a good life, take pleasure in the little things and remember that you are a good person. Please don't think that you must have another person in your life to be valuable. You are worthy of the best, don't settle for less. Try your best to put the ugly messages of the past out of you mind. Good luck. You might be able to find a group in your area that deals with issues of self esteem. I would suggest a local woman's organization. Look in the phone book. You can be an inspiration to others.

Answer 6

I agree with the other guy,you have started building your self esteem with what you just wrote,in your own words you are an attractive, smart, charismatic..So always remember that, if that does not work you might want to see a therapist,but make it private so your new man does not think you are bringing baggage in the relationship. Good luck

Answer 7

Sweetheart, first of, give yourself a pat on your shoulders for not only realizing he is abusive to you, but also stepping out of this relationship. Ask yourself this question: did you do this on your own or did your Higher Power/ God/Allah/Buddah place the right people at the right time to support you throughout this tough but worthwhile obstacle?

As a woman, I am so happy to hear/see that you have began giving yourself the respect and Love that you deserve. It's def. not easy to just "shake off" months/years of abusive. It is a process. But you seem to have began this.
How long did you wait before you started dating this gentleman? You could very well be a CoDa (Co-Dependent). That's for you to look into. I am not a doctor so it is not my place to start labeling you with anything- just sharing some of my experiences. :)

Now, to answer your question, to increase my self-esteem I started taking care of myself, and Loving my Self for who I am. I started appreciating my body, mind, and spirit.
I have a picture of my self at 4 years old by my night table- Everyday I wake up I look at that little girl(me) and tell her that I am going to take care of her today. That means that I treat myself with plenty of Love, patience and respect. I am not beating my self up with negative bitter comments. I instead replace them with positive ones. Another suggestion which has worked for me- I have positive affirmations by my mirror. I make it my job to read them to myself every morning and night. Because my little 4 year old self DESERVES to feel good about herself.
Hun, I hope this has helped you out a bit
I wish you the best of Luck in your journey and please, if you have any questions just send me an e-mail.
mmwuahz

Answer 8

Go to gym, read inspirational books more importantly reliance on God! Keep saying postive affirmations to yourself even though you might build up some resistance...KEEP on doing it! Keep on challenging negative thoughts with positive affirmations! In time, positive affirmations will take hold and then there are no limits to what you can do :)

Answer 9

you just have to stop caring what he thinks tell yourself how much of a wonderful person you are, my husband and i are having a few problems right now to but im just praying things work out i wish you the best and remember you are a beautiful chrming and a wonderful lady.

Answer 10

You are doing it already girl! You just have to take one step at a time and you have taken the right path and made the right choices, It won't come from one day to another, you will have to build it slowly and it will definitely come back.
Good luck!