How do you let go?

Question

How do you let go of a relationship that is hazardous to your health? I've been had an affair for 5 yrs. I know, I'm the epitomy of a terrible person but you don't know the mental abuse I went through w/ my alcoholic husband. Anyway, I had an affair and fell in love w/ this man who treated me like a princess. I left my husband and moved out to my own house. The other guy helped me financially b/c I couldn't afford to leave on my own. The other guy turned out to be a control freak. He gave me a 10:00 curfew or pay the consequences. He broke into my house & went thru my things. He grabbed me by the throat. Anyway, stupid people like me believe it's all b/c he loves me so much. when my lease was up I moved in w/ him. He actually tried to make me sign a contract that I wouldn't listen to rap music & wouldn't park in a certain spot in the driveway. I moved out & went back home to the house that my husband & I shared b/c it's my house too (nothing between us) and the other guy has had it!

How does this other guy get to end the relationship w/ me? How can I grow enough balls to be done? He treated me like crab and man, the mental abuse and I just came back for more. Now, he's decided to move on and calls me a psycho b***ch! Does he win?

Answer 1

The fact that he was willing to have an affair with you should have given you some clue as to his lack of moral character. The fact that you were willing to put up with being treated like crap for 5 years says a lot about your lack of self esteem. My grandmother used to say "when you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas".

Answer 2

You eat what you sow.

Your affair was the seedlings you started with.

There is no excuse for mental abuse to be gone through when there is organizations out there today that will help woman and children. Being the ex-wife of an alcoholic, I know that the courts would have helped you more than a lover ever could have from day one. Has anyone ever told you that you can never go back...they don't change they just get meaner and drunker

Answer 3

ok -
first of all, your marriage - it isn't ok for your husband to get drunk and abuse you, but cheating on him wasn't the answer. It was appropriate for you to separate from him, but that was all that was appropriate for you to do. I think you need to confess what you did to him and ask his forgiveness.
The other man - is totally unreasonable - I don't know what to say to that.
Part of it is the other men - they are clearly abusive, but part of it is you too. I understand this because I'm a trauma survivor myself. Manytimes when people have been abused in their past they create bonds with people who abuse them, and they form relationships with people who are abusive. So right now if you got into another relationship most likely you'll end up with another abusive person. Not all men are abusive, but somehow you seem to find them. But how much are you pushing them? Are you giving them respect whether you think they deserve it or not? If you aren't you are wrong to do that, and you need to change how you treat them. I'm not excusing their behaviour. But I am saying that most likely need some professional help to help you stop getting into abusive relationships. It's a common problem. There's a book called The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes that has been helpful to me. In some ways I"ve had similar issues, but not exactly the same as you. This book was a lot of help to me.

Your marriage covenant is for better or worse, sick or healthy, rich or poor as long as you both shall live. There's no way out of that - you can certainly separate yourself if he gets abusive, but you don't have a way out - not really. Actually he does because you cheated on h im, If A Man is drowning himself in booze - he's probably got a lot of emotional pain to deal with - it's a big problem and beyond my ability to help you - all these issues are things you need help from someone with more skills than I have at this stuff. Like you dont' go to a Comedian (me) for help with something like this - you go to a person with some credentials. I think if you treated your husband with respect - even if you don't think he deserves it - you would notice a big change in his attitude. You took matters into your own hands. I understand the need for safety - if you aren't safe - leave. but that means separation, not divorce, not cheating. It wasn't ok. You seem to be justifying your actions. I don't think you really think you were wrong. The contract thing should have told you right off this guy wasn't ok - you should be able to listen to any kind of music you want to.
Pray, ask God to help you - He will help you sort all this out. God does love you, and even though you can't understand all this, He really does care for you.

Answer 4

YES, I WOULD SAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MOVE ON ALONE WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE BACK IN EITHER SITUATION STAND ON YOUR OWN FEET PAY YOUR OWN BILLS AND LET NO MAN HAVE A SAY SO IN YOUR LIFE BE STRONG.