is there a beauty in my poetry
that deals with the plight of a tree
of how the deer nibble at her bark
and she is home to the meadow lark
she stands tall in the rain and snow
in summer is dressed with no place to go
she'll shade you happily on the hottest day
and give your children a place to play
then after years of standing still and tall
her spot is gifted to a shopping mall
and then her long life is brutally cut short
by men who see only a new food court
yet her journey does not end right there
she is planked and sanded with great care
and crafted lovingly by men with their heart
into what she always was a piece of art
2007-06-20 03:21:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
sooo it's that good huh?i left you speechless...com'on people tear me a new one.....
2007-06-20 03:38:47 · update #1
This is a carefully written piece of no mean quality and one that shows deep empathy with nature. My critique concerns :
'and then her long life is brutally cut short
by men who see only a new food court'
1. Can a long life be cut short ? The life isn't cut 'short' if it's 'long'. We most naturally talk of a life's being cut short when a young person dies or when something dies very much earlier than we would normally expect. Your tree's life may be tragically terminated but it isn't cut short.
2. 'Food court' : this is an artificial phrase created to make a rhyme. Food halls, yes; food shops, yes ... but food courts ? I don't think so.
The poem's syllabilification seems balanced but I am not good on this. 1st line : 10 syllables, 2nd line : 8 syllables, 3rd line 8 syllables, 4th line 10 syllables. I haven't gone all through and I may well have the syllable count wrong. It wouldn't be the first time ..
Whatever the case it's commendable that someone is cultivating the writing of poetry when so much time is wasted on rubbish culture. All success to your efforts.
2007-06-20 05:35:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. There's a fine line between "Rhythmic and Singy-Songy." If you tried to stack these lines and stanzas to make them rhyme, you would lose some of your abstraction. Meter is what makes a poem work. They come out of the imagination as songs from the heart, but only the artists know the melodies exactly. That's why constant meter and scheme is important.
That said, I have been trashed by experts for 40 years because I have a casual regard for consistent rhyme and meter.
My best works are not the ones that I have thought about since I was 10. My most popular works are the ones that just fall out of my head.
2007-06-20 05:17:43 · answer #2 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
*** Care to give me a critique? ***
OK, there is much beauty in your poetry !
Deer and others nibble at her bark.
Secure home to the meadow lark.
Tall in the rain and in the snow.
Summer dressed , and can not go.
She gives your child a place to play.
Cut her down, is what they say.
Shades you happily with her tresses.
Made to submit to stores and dresses.
Untold years standing tall.
Her spot now gifted to a shopping mall.
Her long life is brutally cut short.
See now only a new food court.
Yet her journey does not end there.
Planked and sanded with great care.
Crafted lovingly by they with a heart.
She will always be a work of art.
2007-06-20 04:45:59 · answer #3 · answered by zurioluchi 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This poem is extra advantageous than the day basically before this's.confident I consider you that love now no longer exists between households yet vulgarity.Vulgarity has disguised itself as love and has mesmerized all human beings.the way relatives behave with one yet another,they think of that its love even nevertheless that is not any longer. i certainly don't comprehend the western way of life.mum and dad motivate their little ones to habit,brothers have intercourse with their sisters(some even have with their mum and dad).i assume because of the fact of this why we call this modern-day age because of the fact the age of darkness and lack of expertise.
2016-10-18 03:31:52 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's playful and light-hearted but also deep. i would try a more advanced rhyme scheme instead of couplets and use some punctuation. try to avoid any passive voice--use a verb that has action.
2007-06-20 06:18:38 · answer #5 · answered by henry d 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
aa bb rhyme scheme, good metaphor, conjures good visualizations BUT the meter is inconsistent, I'd give you a B+ on this sonnet.
2007-06-20 04:15:48 · answer #6 · answered by TRboi 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think this is pretty good - I personally didn't like it very much - but I think it's a good poem.
2007-06-20 04:34:58 · answer #7 · answered by art_flood 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
very good, it left images in my mind while reading it
2007-06-20 07:29:38 · answer #8 · answered by throw_away_your_television_2 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
thts witty and its clever
and its brilliant more thn ever! lol!
i do like it !!well done
2007-06-20 03:48:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Nice...It flows very well.
2007-06-20 04:36:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋