My fiance ignores my feelings?

Question

I have always been a non-confrentational woman. I tend to back down from an argument and sweep things under a rug. I am getting married in 3 months and have found that it is time for me to start standing up for myself and expressing when I have a problem or when my feelings have been hurt. This is not going over well with my fiance. When I bring up my concerns or hurt feelings he tends to tell me that I am being silly or gives me some type of psychological analysis about why I am having these feelings. I am usualy dismissed and leaves me with the feeling that he doesn't care. I love him very much and feel that most of our marriage will be great, but HOW DO I GET HIM TO TAKE MY FEELINGS SERIOUSLY? I don't want to spend a marriage backing down from how I feel and ignoring part of my happiness.

Answer 1

I have found that a general tendancy in many men is to solve problems not to listen about feelings.

I too am about to marry - 6 months from now - and we're going to enroll in a "marriage" course. Not saying it will work, but sure couldn't hurt. Seems most issues with couples I know all begin with communication & listening, then they magnify into serious issues.

Good luck

Answer 2

Um, hum. You are experiencing the consequences of a weak backbone at the onset of your relationship. Now you are giving the man a whole new perspective on you. He wants the wimp. If that is not the real you, you may have a great deal of difficulty getting him to accept the person you really are. He is in love with the woman he can roll over and ignore emotionally. "Who the hell are you?" is what he must be wondering.
Premarital counseling might help if you go to a qualified professional. You probably would be better off not marrying this man, which you seem hellbent on doing anyway. Sounds like you "don't want to spend your marriage backing down from how you feel and ignoring part of your happiness," but if that is required, you will!
If that is the case, good luck with the divorce settlement.

Answer 3

The first thing you must do is postpone the wedding. You can't go through with it with as strong of a reservation as you have. This is not a small thing that you have noticed; it's very big and should be delt with without the pressure of a looming wedding.

However, one key point here is that you have realized something and you have made a change. This is new for him. The change may be so significant that he/you may no longer fit one another. You have to be open to that possibility. You may see that he can adjust, but you are becoming someone new and different. You may be becoming someone with which he will be uncomfortable and not want to spend the rest of his life with either (no slam, just trying to be objective). One big idea to keep in mind is you can't marry this man thinking you can change him. That never works. If change is to take place it must happen before the "I do's" and you have to feel comfortable with its permanence.

If you two do decide to stay together then I say that you need to discuss this new development in couples therapy. He needs to hear you and deal with what you are feeling and not dismiss it. This is all new to him, because you've been ignoring you're feelings since he met you. Don't be so down on him, you are becoming a new and better you, but the fit may not be there anymore.

Side note: A psychologist named Erickson says that we must first grow through the psychosocial stage of developing an identity before we can become intimate with someone else. You are developing your identity. If your fiance can't appreciate the new you that is developing - it can't and shouldn't be forced.

Answer 4

Well, it looks like you've tried talking to him and expressing yourself and he is ignoring you. Have you tried writing him a letter. He can't interrupt you or dismiss you so easily that way. Just write in it exactly how he makes you feel...say what you said here...that you know you used to let things slide more but you want this marriage to be real and fulfilling for you. Say how you don't appreciate being psycho analyized....and make sure you feelings of being hurt being belittled come through.

If he still doesn't address this seriously with you then you may need to take a more drastic step...like telling him you need a week away from him because he is hurting you so much by not taking you seriously...maybe that will wake him up. But you should be able to talk to him about anything...and he should take you seriously. If you go to him and tell him something is really bothering you and you need him to listen and take it seriously...and he doesn't...then that isn't a foundation for a good marraige. I mean...everyone says that the key to surviving is communication...and if you can't communicate your true feelings to him without him brushing them aside...then you really need to think things through...

Answer 5

Look, he's a guy..... he's not doing this intentionally.
Men do not understand that women feel emotions with great depth. Plus they always try to fix everything.
Explain to him that even though he might not understand your feeling, or even thought he has an opinion about your feelings, he need to acknowledge that they are your feelings.
Tell him (calmly) that from now on when you express something you would like him to sit quietly and listen ans support you and then later he can express his opinion.
Tell him you appreciate it when he tries to help but sometimes you dont want a solution you just want him to listen and support you.
Tell him (nicely) that when he discounts your feelings it makes you feel as if your feelings dont matter to him.
Dont wait until you are arguing to say all this. Find a time when things are nice and just say "Hey I need to talk to you for a few minutes"

You've got to find a way or marriage will be a rough road for you.
If he is not responsive to the things you say, tell him you want to go to counseling.

Answer 6

Up until now he has pretty much gotten his way - because you would "back down" and give in to avoid the confrontation...now that you have started to assert yourself, your fiance doesn't like it - because now you are asking for things and standing your ground - he liked it better when you just gave in.

If you don't stick to your guns now...you won't be able to in the future without it being in divorce court.

He is fully expecting you to back down and give in...again...he doesn't take your feelings seriously because YOU DON'T either!

You are a human being - not some wallpaper - let him know that this will be an equal relationship or none at all.

I am engaged to a woman who was exactly like you - and she backed down from every fight...it took her nearly 17 years to finally stand on her convictions - and 4 years after moving out and 2 years since the divorce, he still calls her screaming - and ends things by saying (and I'm serious in what he says) "I liked it a lot better when you just did what I said and didn't do what you wanted". "I wish you would go back to listening to me and doing what I tell you".

Fix it now - before it becomes more difficult later!

Answer 7

some serious work needs to be done before u get married. in a relationship, you need to communicate and express ur feelings when theyve been hurt, and be able to listen to each other and to come to an agreement together..it takes two. and if he's so insensitive that he totally disregards ur feelings and wont try to find out why, ur not gonna wanna spend the rest of ur life with him til u get some kind of pre-marital counseling or something. but otherwise, its not gonna magically change once u walk down the aisle just cause ur married. remember..the divorce rate is 50%..dont contribute to it.

Answer 8

I would reccommend strongly to you both that you do some type of pre-marital counseling here, because this issue will not go away on its own. Hopefully with the presense of an unbiased 3rd party, you guys can work this out, he can see that your feelings deserve to be validated. The 3rd party also helps because he/she can help keep the discussion to the topic at hand, a good counselor will know when you guys are bringing other issues into an arguement, and will point that out to you. I know when my husband and I were in couples counseling, he understood things that I had been trying to tell him for months, I just wasn't putting it in words he understood. Our counselor was able to, and my husband was all "THAT'S what you've been upset about??? Why didn't you tell me???" I've also found with my husband, that it's better for him to understand me when I'm not upset. When I can remain calm and rational, he's able to understand what I'm trying to get at much better, for 2 reasons. 1, I'm communicating better because I'm not upset. 2, he tends to shut me out when I do get upset because he doesn't want to deal with all the emotion.

A great book for you is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It REALLY helped me understand HOW I needed to talk to my husband, to get him to understand what I needed from him. I needed to learn how to speak some Martian--all women do. Good luck, and I hope you have a wonderful and happy marriage.

p.s. Lasso really hit the nail on the head with guys wanting to always FIX stuff--that's also talked about in John Gray's book. Sometimes I have to tell my husband that I don't need him to fix this, I just need him to listen to me.

Answer 9

Make SURE to get pre-marital counseling, either from a professional or a pastor of your local church. Sounds like the two of you need it before you get married.
If not, then just talk to him. Tell him how you feel when he says things like that to you.
If he won't get the counseling, and won't listen to your concerns, then give serious second thoughts to marrying this guy. I know you love him, but that won't matter after a couple more years of fights and him making you feel inadequate and over-emotional. It'll end in divorce.

Answer 10

You need to really stand your ground and make sure that what you say you want/ need is what you stick to. Don't back down and show him that you are to be taken seriously. My husband was like that until one day I packed my luggage and put it at the door, he realized that day that I was not fooling around. We've been together 6 years and I feel much more confident in the realtionship now more then ever.