I have 3 children (boy15, girl13, and boy10). The 15 y/o has been cursing, been difficult to live with lately. We moved in with my fiance in Nov. The fiance has always taken a passive role in disciplining; in fact he does better than I do at times. Lately my 15 y/o son has been calling the fiance names (ie: "you're such an ******", "I don't like you", "You're annoying", and the worst, "F off"). The latest argument (last night) included all of the above mentioned explicatives. Last night fiance stated he didn't want "that kid" back in his house. He said, "As God as my witness I don't want that kid back here in MY house. So you're going to have to do something about it, move out, whatever." He refuses to talk about it as he is too angry, but as a Mom, I have to stand by my children. I'll HAVE to move out if he's genuinely serious. We've gone to counseling already. now what....?
Any suggestions? thank you so much
2007-06-20 01:41:37 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
A very tough delemia you have there. You have two options and they both come with very bad possible outcomes. Option one, you take your 15 year old son and move out with your other two children. That solves the probelm of not having him in your fiance's house any longer, but it creates a multitude of problems. First, your son will have split you and your fiance' up which it appears from what you have said is exactly what he wants to happen. You will be sending him a message that he can pick and choose who your boyfriend, fiance's or husband will be just by acting out. It will not get any better in the future if he gets that signal now. Additionally, he suffers no consiquences for his very disrespectful behavior towards your fiance', a problem that you will see show up in school, with other adults and people in authority. The other option is you tell you son that he has screwed up and send him off to live with his dad, grandparents or someone else. Again, it fixes the problem of him being there, but sends your son the message that you have chosen someone else over him. Not necessarly a bad thing, but it could change his attitude towards you as well and destroy your relationship with your son.
There is another option and the hardest one to apply. The first two are the easy way out and this one is the hard way, but will produce the best resluts for your son in the long run. You do not boot him out, you and your fiance' come together as a team, a unit, as one and take the control back from your son and teach him that you and your fiance' are going to stand together and train him even if it is hard. This will be hard for both you and your fiance', but with determination you can get through it. You have to stand up and tell your son that his behavior is not acceptable, his language is not going to be tollerated and that if he can not live by the rules you and your fiance' set, then he is letting you know that being with you is not that important to him and you will make arrangements for him to live someplace else. That way, you put the ownership of the decision on him and take away his ability for him to blame you or your fiance' if he has to move. Let him know that you want him there, that you want him to be part of the family and you want to support him, but if he can not respect your choice of a fiance'/husband and can not respect the two of you and your rules, then he is making the choice to live some place else. As a mother that is very hard to do, but giving in to him will do him more damage in the long run and will break you heart worse down the road.
2007-06-20 02:28:38 · answer #1 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I don't know exactly what to say, but it doesn't sound like your fiance is adjusting very well to living with your kids. My fiance has 4 boys, 15yrs, 13yrs, 12yrs, and 7yrs, and I would never say such a thing to any of them. We've been living together in "our" house for 1 1/2 years, and despite several arguments containing similar explicatives, I would never say such a thing to any of the children. I think your boy is having what I refer to as O.B.S.(Oldest Brother Syndrome). My fiance's oldest has the same problem, realizing he doesn't have to feel responsible for your, or his siblings, well being anymore. Of course; it could be something else entirely. You need to talk with your son, and your fiance. Not at the same time though, at least not at first. You might want to consider the fact that your fiance isn't the man you thought he was as well. Sometimes kids see things in people that we don't, or that we refuse to. Good Luck, I hope you can help your son and fiance find some common ground.
2007-06-20 01:59:22 · answer #2 · answered by JP 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What kind of reprimand the 15 y/o is getting for using that kind of language? You need to work together and go back to counseling. You can't ruin your life cause a 15 y/o has decided so. I understand your fiancé for being offended, I would not take any kind of BS from a 15 y/o and I would probably ask my bf to get a grip on his son as well if I was in your situation. If you don't get control over this situation soon your 10 y/o and 13 y/o will adopt the same kind of behavior.
Go back to counseling and stick to it. Takes more then a couple of meetings to get the the bottom of things and remember he is 15 y/o he would not be happy with any other man in your life, it's a phase and he will soon be out of it.
2007-06-20 01:54:32 · answer #3 · answered by Jane Marple 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here is a suggestion...smack that kid int he mouth. He has NO right talking to any adult in that manner. Sure go ahead and stand behind him...as his parent you should do so...BUT right is right and wrong is wrong. I wouldn't tolerate that disrespect in my home as well. If I was your fiance you and at least the 15 year old would have to move out and I wouldnt marry you until he turned 18 so I wouldnt have to deal with that. or YOU can step up as mother and FINALLY put that obvious brat in his place before he helps to ruin what I suspect is an otherwise good relationship.
2007-06-20 01:48:31 · answer #4 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Sure.
Pick a new fiance.
If not, you can throw out your 15 yr old...and in 2 years throw out your daughter...and in 5 yrs throw out your baby....all for a inconsiderate man (and believe me honey, these are a dime a dozen out there).
15 yr old are going to go through changes. You should have set rules before now, but it is not too late. Hopefully the boy doesn't treat you this way.
In the long run, when it is all set in stone, your children are what matter. Put your energy into them.
2007-06-20 02:05:56 · answer #5 · answered by ~Casper~ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Because you have kids, he should be agreeing not only to marry and commit himself to you, but to your children as well. It is understandable if he gets upset once in a while, but if he is going to be spending his life with you he needs to accept your children like they are his own, through the good and the bad (15 year olds tend to act this way, he needs to understand that). If he cannot accept your children when they are acting up then you can't accept him, start looking for somewhere new to live, your children deserve better than him.
P.S. He might just need a little time to calm down, it's understandable he might get frustrated, but if he's truly the one for you, he will calm down and make the right decision.
2007-06-20 01:48:09 · answer #6 · answered by blue_girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your children are proberly feeling 'no one can replace my dad not now not never' so talk to him and say that your fiance will never be your dad and he is just your step-father if you dont like him or when you are getting cross count to ten in your head slowly. Explain to him that it isnt easy for your fiance as well to just all of a sudden have three kids and it will take a while to adjust after a few months it should be fine.
best of luck!
2007-06-20 01:53:59 · answer #7 · answered by Shopaholic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I would just move out. Your fiance should be an adult and understand why your son might be acting that way. Its ridiculous for your fiance to act like such a child...he should be grown up enough to handle it and realize its a KID hes a grown up...Silencing it and telling you he doesnt want that kid in his house shows you he cant handle a problem maturely do you really want someone like that around your kids? You do need to get your kid under control but either way your fiance is completly wrong if he really wanted you around or care about you and your kids ...he wouldnt have said that. That sounds like a real good person right there? You decide if you want that for your kids and yourself it should be easy. Thats Childish
2007-06-20 01:50:17 · answer #8 · answered by Bumblebee 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You only have 2 choices. Get rid of the fiance or have a serious check in chat with the 15 year old. You have to make that decision.
2007-06-20 01:45:47 · answer #9 · answered by wildmick21 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your child is out of control. Unless you establish control the two of your are in likely in for a long, hard, difficult, cruel road. No person should be allowed to behave as he has. He does it, in an odd way, to demand rules and limits and that's your responsibility. You may need help (duh!!) and so, call child protective services and ask for it. He may need to be temporarily housed in a home while you all sort out your situation and learn new ways of relating.
You CAN'T be serious about standing by and accepting such gross behavior by your child can you?
2007-06-20 01:54:11 · answer #10 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋