Do children need fathers?

Question

A friend of a friend is choosing to have a baby without a father i.e. donor insemination from a spermbank. I don't know her very well so i know i dont have the right to judge but i've always thought she was an intelligent and attractive woman who would have no trouble finding a man so i just dont understand why she would choose to go about having a child this way..she's just in her late 20's as well so its not the whole "biological clock" thing..someone please explain this to me? my friend says its very common these days for single women to do this..?

thanks Daisy..i might have been too narrow with my definition of a father, but i did mean a role model other than just the one parent.thanks.

Answer 1

This is such a complex question. My husband plays such an important role in our children's lives, not to mention the importance of my father in my life. Certainly the ideal situation is for a child to be raised in a home with 2 loving parents. Sometimes this option is simply not available (see maria b's post about being widowed with 2 small children, or cases where the father walks out, etc.)...in those circumstances, there are steps that can be taken to help the child (providing a role model or other parent figure, like a grandfather, uncle, etc.) Is it the ideal situation? No, but the family makes do the best they can, and it often works out okay. To intentionally choose to create a child, knowing that they will never know their father...that's a tough one. I've read stories about adults who were conceived via donor insemination going on a search for their biological fathers, and other stories about the complicated emotional aspect from the child's perspective. (Here's one entitled "My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor" http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html)

I hope that if your friend goes through with the idea, that she fully contemplates the child's perspective as well as her own. (You can find dozens upon dozens of stories like I linked above by a simple web search.) Whether or not she goes through with it is ultimately up to her, but she should at least fully consider all of the relevant information.

P.S. To the poster who said that men don't go through the same desire for children without a partner, check out this article http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070617/LIFESTYLE/706170339/1005/LIFESTYLE. One of the men chose to adopt as a single father.

Answer 2

I really sympathized with you until you called him an unfit motherf*cker. The most important thing you still have to learn is that you made a poor choice when you decided who would father your child. Now you need to facilitate a relationship between that man and your child, for her sake. Unfit means something real by definition, in court. In CA, smoking weed doesn't seem to be a problem. He very well may be unstable. That isn't illegal. You should have asked him to pay for something that applied to the child. Paying your phone bill is ridiculous. Yes, go to court and get what you are entitled to. He could get full visitation now, and there's nothing you can do to stop that. Don't live in fear that he'll ask. He either will, or he won't. Ask for what you need to get by. Go to the state and ask for every benefit they have to offer you. They will get the money back from him, too. It might affect the total amount of cs you get, though, so get your facts in order. I know you're mad, but this situation with your child is of your making. You could have chosen a better man to father that child. Accept it, and do the right thing for your child now.

Answer 3

I had to raise my two sons alone after my husband died suddenly. My sons were 3 and 5 years old. Although I think I did well under the circumstances (they are now 21 and 23) I can tell you it is an enormous job. Without a husband/father you have no physical and emotional support, there is no one that has the same love for your children as you do. I can understand your friend wanting a child but there are children to adopt. It may be common for women to have a child without a spouse but that does not make it right, what will the child think later on when other kids he knows have dads? She should reconsider.

Answer 4

It depends on how you define "need" and "father."
I, too, believe that "it takes a village to raise a child." And if we all embraced that mindset, all of our children would be better for it.
Raising a child is an extremely demanding experience - it is literally being on-call 24/7/365. Everyone needs little time off now and then. Two parent families can tag-team, but a single parent needs some outside source of support. It can be extended family, neighbors, friends, etc... but one parent trying to do it ALL alone does a great disservice to the child and her(him)self.

I also believe that a child needs interactions with both men and women to develop social skills for the real world. This can be accomplished through organized activites like sports or scouts, or it can be a casual interaction through church or extended friends-and-family social gatherings.

Answer 5

I think that it is important that a child have access to a role model of each sex. This does not have to be a father and mother. It could be a grandparent, aunt/uncle, or even just a close family friend. The psychologist have proven that having a role model of each sex is how we build gender roles and learn to build relationships. It's just how we develop as people. If your friend is financially and emotionally ready to have children, then there is nothing really wrong here. I just hope that she has a male friend or family member lined up to be that role model (doesn't matter if the baby is a boy or girl, they still need the male role model).

Also, I hope your friend has realized the fact that dating will be more difficult with a child. It can do serious damage to the child to have a revolving cast of "momma's boyfriend" coming and going. Children need reliability and consistency.

Answer 6

Not even knowing her for ages gives you the right to judge. She is a grown woman and has the right to make her own decisions. It is fine for a child to grow up without a father, in fact having two parents can be a difficult thing, because there is always the disagreements upon how the child is raised and how the child is disciplined. But nowadays the man can be the most hopeless of cases on the worst of drugs or be the most violent of men and the courts will still stand at attention if he says "I want my parental rights" so maybe your friend wants to bypass all that crap and bring a child up in a loving argument free environment. I was a single mother for a long time and frankly even though I love my husband dearly, it is just easier if you are the only one making the decision because the word compromise means someone has to compromise their beliefs in order to get some peace.

Gonna get a lot of thumbs down for this opinion I know it already.

Answer 7

No more than a child needs a mother.

There are plenty of kids that have grown up with neither parent. Some have only one grandparent or even just foster parents.

But, to address what I think you are asking:

Children need fathers no more or less than they do mothers. They can live without either one or both. but (assuming they are not abusive parents) it is much better to have both than one.

However, we were obviously meant to have one of each. Further, there is plenty of evidence that shows children who grow up with a father (and mother) in the home fare better overall than those with a mother only.

Answer 8

If women can be single moms the worldwide over, this is just taking the leap without going through the marraige, divorce, and heartache for mother and child. Certainly, as your friend's child grows, the trials of being a single parent might behoove her to find a mate, but single moms do this all the time. Judge not. At least she did not find some deadbeat to spawn with and sperm donors tend to be screened for other bad qualities.

Answer 9

Ask a child without one. My granddaughter's bio dad does nothing more than send child support. She doesn't understand. Just recently, my daughter remarried and my granddaughter has a "daddy" now. She is so happy. Up until that time my husband had been her "father" figure.

Of course kids need fathers. Unfortunately there are circumstance where they become absent, but the void is never completely filled.

To have a child, simply because "you want one" is selfish and gives no consideration to the child and is irresponsible.

Answer 10

Yes children need a father in their life. Who is going to protect the daughters and teach the boys to be men? The mother can't really protect the daughters like a father can.