What do you think about staying together "for the kids"?

Question

My hubby and I have been together for 6 years, and we have 2 kids (4 and 1 years). I love him, and but lately I've been struggling within myself about our situation. See, he's VERY irresponsible, and has not kept a job for more than a few months the ENTIRE time we've been together. I've always been the one supporting us, making sure the bills are paid, etc. There is a lot of pressure on me to provide, because if I don't, everything will fall apart. I want nothing more than to stay home with the girls, and be supported by him. This is never going to happen. I hate sex, I'll do anything to avoid it, and he'll do anything to HAVE it!! lol. He constantly lies to me (about everything and anything). While I'm at work, he racks up the cable bill renting porn all day. I want to keep the family together, and the girls are very attached to him. But I am so unhappy, I'm miserable to everyone. Lately he's been talking about marriage. :S What do you think?

No we are not married.

Answer 1

I think children are very intuitive and are able to feel the 'atmosphere' of your relationship. If not when they are very little certainly when they are a bit older. I think it is a disservice to children to be living in a loveless nd hostile marriage. Do you want your children to grow up to see this husband of yours as a role model??

I am divorced and remarrried to a wonderful man who is a wonderful step father to my children (coaches their sports teams etc). I am SURE my children would rather be with this man than have me and their Dad together.

You know sex is a funny thing - now I have a great partner I want it all the time. When I had a bad partner I hated having sex with him because I just didnt like the person he was.

As for watching porn all day - CUT THE CABLE! Little so and so can get off his hind quarter and go make some cash even if it is at the local supermarket packing shelves. He must be like having another child at home ( an expensive one too). The bottom line is that he doesnt work, he lies, has all bills paid for him and he is irresponsible because he can be. You enable this - you allow it to happen. You cant force him off that porn hot seat but you can seek a better life for you and your children.

I learned from my first marriage that I wished I had never wasted so much time and so many years with a man I knew would never change (but I kept wishing and praying he would).

I think you know in your heart where your marriage is headed and whether you can stay in it long term. Dont lose the person you are - dont settle for less than you are worth. Dont let this situation turn you into a person you dont like.

Get yourself well set up - as best you can - financially, emotionally and with logistics - before you do anything.

Answer 2

Marriage is probably not the answer here. Should you stay together for the kids? Only if you think this is something that you two may be able to work out. I know that visitation is an option if you separate but what you have to think about is that separation(even one that is friendly without any hang ups) cause a traumatic impact on the children for the rest of their lives and they to will have these types of issues in their relationships. As far as the cable bill. You can lock the box with the remote where only you know the password. If he complains then make him pay you the fee so you can make sure the bill is paid. You must sit down and talk to him about how much your financial situation bothers you and let him understand that if he can't provide some sort of stable job and start being responsible that you will not be able to hang around waiting.

Answer 3

I think that 'not happy' covers such a wide range of feelings and behaviors that this isn't something you can generalize about. Of course a couple should not stay together if one is being abused or mistreated. Or if the partner is an alcoholic or drug addict, is unwilling to seek treatment and the substance use is affecting the home. But ALL couples fight. (I just saw an article that said that fighting makes for a better marriage ... it's when the partners swallow their grievances or do passive-aggressive stuff that the marriage suffers.) And it's not bad for a child to learn that adults can disagree -- but still love each other. And when you get into divorces because 'we've grown apart,' 'I'm no longer fulfilled' ... I think that two mature adults should be able to work on the marriage and find ways that they can still be together ... for the sake of the children AND themselves. I've been married for 29 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we're still happy, and still married. I have 3 siblings, all of whom have been married for 20+ years. My parents were married for well over 50 years. My in-laws were married for almost that long. (Both marriages ending due to the death of one partner.) I was raised to take marriage seriously ... which doesn't mean staying in an abusive marriage, but DID mean thinking seriously about who I marrried before I ever said 'I do' ... and recognizing that marriage is a serious committment, and something to be worked at.

Answer 4

If you don’t love him anymore then leave; there is no point in being in a loveless marriage. Staying together for the kids is never a good option. If you really don’t love him you will just start to resent and hate him more and more and you kids will pick up on the tension between you. Plus that doesn’t set a good example on relationships for your children either; they will relate being married with being unhappy. If you still love him then do what you can to save your marriage; but he has to try as well. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Hope this was helpful and good luck.

Answer 5

i hate that you are going through all this but you know the kids may be young but they can feel they do have feelings i know mine did and you dont do yourself or the kids any good by being misserable all the time so i would sit down an have a very serious talk with him without the kids and let him know if things dont change real soon we gonna have to either get a separation or divorce because you and your kids cant continue to live like that the longer it goes on the worse the feelings are and you dont want your kids or there friends to see all that and i would also pray i know it gets me through a lot of things i have kids from 9 to 23 and i ended up being a single mom for the same reason but it was a monkey gone off my back and i even saved more money after he was gone lol

Answer 6

Well, I'm confused, because first you said, "my hubby" and then you said, "he's been talking about marriage," If you aren't married to this man, then you need to leave him. It's true that there will still be pressure on you to provide for your kids, but at least you will know they won't have that kind of bad example of a man to look up to. If you are married, then things get a little more complicated legally--he may have visitation rights, etc. I think your best option is to see a lawyer who specializes in family law.

Answer 7

Damn your husband sounded just like me (except for the porn) well ok, maybe a little porn. Seems like he's gotten comfortable with the situation, if you've discussed your frustration to him and nothing has changed then your best bet is to leave.

After breaking up with my ex I realized what a **** up I was and changed things completely. Finally finished school and got myself a real job and things are looking good. My ex even wants to get back together but the past is the past and time to move on and start fresh.

Sad to hear you're going through this.

Answer 8

Ok, don't give up on him yet. Tell him that if he does not get up off of his keister, you will leave, and take the kids. Give him a timeline. Tell him he has a month to find a job (even if it's flippin burgers), if he doesn't do it, you'll seperate. After that, give him three months to find a job and save up a certain amount of money, if that doesn't happen..take further action. I see your point, but sometimes you have to give an ultimatum before they will do anything. (He also probably gets all the porn because you won't sleep with him!)
You've always provided for the family, and he is used to that. Now he needs to help you and provide for the family, tell him that!

Answer 9

My sister recently left her husband after she spent years contemplating staying "for the kids". She was unhappy in her marriage & I think her kids, (twin 4 yr. old girls) could sense it. My thought about the situation is...which is worse for children 1.dealing with a split, or 2.dealing with a negative enviroment at home? Either situation could have detrimental affects on a kid, but a therapist once told her there is no evidence showing children from broken homes, grow up any worse off than children from parents who are still together, but unhappy.

She still feels guilty about leaving sometimes, (because of the girls), although she brings it on to herself. I think the kids are going to be fine, (children are resilient), as long as she is happy, and her and her husband keep the tension between themselves. Kids don't need to be exposed to fighting between adults, in or out of a relationship.

Hopefully, you have family members, (like me), who will give the kids the extra love and support they might need while adjusting to the change, (if you leave). Basically, it is a very personal decision. Do yourself a favor...if you do leave, be confident in your decision, and don't waste your time with guilt. In the long run...you only have one life. You deserve to be happy. The kids will know if you aren't, and this will make a difference in their ability to be happy.

Good luck!

Answer 10

no do not stay with him for the kids! take it from a girl whose parents divorced when I was 5, its much better to have both parents in your life separately and happy then 2 parents who bicker and argue all the time, growing up in a hostile enviorment like that is not good or healthy for a young child. Plus its not fair to you. Sorry but this guy sounds like a low life, do you really want your little girls staying with him all day while hes watching porn while your away at work when really he should be! You can do better, get out now before its too late, your daughters will thank you in the end, and they will still get to see their father.