Been married 24 yrs, had sex with 2 women in the past month, I feel terrible but justified, what should I do?

Question

I make good money, have 4 children still at home 2 are in college and live at home, the other 2 in high school. I help around the house more than any male i have ever known. Laundry..yes, dishes...yes, lawn...yes you name it I do it. I also work at home, I go to visit clients in their offices. 95% of my clients are female. Many years I was able to avoid trouble ( I do sales/marketing so I have to talk smooth and stay in good physical condition) My wife has never had a remote problem with this. However wifey started cold-shouldering me for 9 years. I tried to discuss this with her and she said I had been mean to her for over 15yrs and she had no desire to be affectionate or sexual ...this killed my spirit dead! and no she hasn't said what the meanness is about, just says I am mean, will not even discuss it, goes ballistic if I mention it. Rejected over 9yrs, finally dated and bedded 2 hottie clients, I feel really guilty..please! If the wife just would notice me, I could stop...

Answer 1

i don't think that any infidelity in justified. Regardless to her issues you should have told her that either she speak up or you divorce. No reason to go out on the marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right. But if you feel you are justified, then you will have no problem telling her what you did.

Answer 2

If you can raise 4 kids and put 2 through college, I'm sure you can make this work. Look at it like a sales goal and rise to the challenge. You have what it takes, don't you?

Most women will build resentment for solid reasons, and you need to find out why. Anger in women are really tears that hardened up as a way of coping. You'll find in time that she'll soften up, but this will take work on your part first.

It's possible that working with so many women really has caused her a great deal of jealousy she's had to deal with alone. Would you change your job if your marriage depended on it? Sacrifice the money for the marriage? It would make me extremely jealous unless our sex life was very healthy. Even still... the idea of my husband working with a bunch of sex-starved femmes would piss me off daily!

There are many things I could suggest you try, but I think most importantly, you need to make an appointment with a marriage counselor! Like tomorrow. She may say what is on her mind to the counselor and you can start from there. It's usually easier to get a woman to go than to coax a husband into going. She might be happy to vent and tattle at first, but after that you can start to build on things with the help of the counselor. If you don't know who to go to, try asking your family doctor for a referral. They're usually pretty well connected.

You will, my friend, eventually rediscover that you married the best girl in the beginning. Trust me.

Finally, while I don't want to preach because I understand you have the emotional pain from neglect and crazed desire from no sex, the physical relationships you're having now are not only dishonest, but unfair to both your wife AND these women. Consider the pain (and scandal) you've exposed everyone to! If you care about the other women at all - even as clients - you won't want them involved in such a terrible drama.

Answer 3

The fault is yours. Blaming it on your wife is just an excuse. You did something to make her stop wanting you, I'm guessing it was because you never listened to her when she talked. The fact the you "bedded 2 hottie clients" tells me you don't feel guilty in the least. If you felt bad after the first one, you never would have done it with the second one. You are not the victim in this situation. Stop thinking that way, grow up, and deal with your marriage. Commit to your wife or cut her loose. Whatever she's done, she doesn't deserve a cheating husband.

Answer 4

It doesn't sound like you feel guilty, it sounds like you are bragging. You are not going to get the kind of attention you want from your wife by cheating on her. This might be what she is talking about when she says you are "mean". Seriously, if you want your wife to notice you, do something that warrants it. Go out of your way to be kind to her. Bring her flowers for no reason, compliment her, take her out on a romantic date. She may appreciate the fact that you help out around the house, but not if you are rubbing it in her face. Do it without expecting recognition or praise. Try being kind and loving and she will come around. It will soften her up and she will start to do the same for you. However, it may be pointless at this time considering you just ruined a perfect track record for two meaningless encounters with so called "hotties".

Answer 5

Talk to her. Ask her why didn't she confront you at first when she thought you were giving her a cold-shoulder. And ask yourself, why didn't you confront her when she gave you a cold-shoulder at start.

Gain that chemistry among the two of you again. Try not to quarrel anymore and be try to be warm with her again. Something like trying to date her or something. Remind her of the happy times you had with her by redo-ing those things and talking with her about it. Play in the home stereo the music or song that you two loved(can be done for a few times), or play the video of you two getting married(can be done once or twice only). Tell her that you want to start afresh, and don't be over-confident to get sex on the first day/night. Be there for her, and make sure you mean it. If you just want sex you can jolly-well go find a prostitute. Sex is not just about inserting a penis into a female's hole. It is about understanding as well. Are you satisfying her or are you hurting her? Do you even have sex with her when she is "unavaliable" or does not want to do it?

Meanwhile stop the one-night-stands outside. It is actually ok to have one-night-stands if the people at your place are open enough. Just make sure you don't end up falling for another woman and getting a divorce.

Answer 6

What did you do to piss her off? Maybe she suspected you cheating then... you are old school so maybe you raised your hand to her one too many times. There is a logical explanation on why your wife is giving you the cold shoulder. I am a women and I am married and I know one thing is for sure...You made her mad. I really don't know why, but you have to rectify it. I don't think you should run out and get you some hotties, but I am not really sure of your situation. I do feel you and your wifey can stand to benefit for therapy. Good Luck!

Answer 7

The road to destruction is paved with self-justification. Sorry, big guy, but there's no way to excuse or justify infidelity.

As long as you are in a committed relationship, you are honor-bound to respect your spouse, your children, and yourself. That's correct: you've cheated on your children and yourself as well as your wife.

If you cannot honor your promises of marriage, get a legal divorce. What you are doing is contrary to everything a civilized culture is based on.

You should feel guilty. It's a good sign. It means your moral compass has been greatly disturbed and you are off course. But, you now have to do something about it or you will never be at peace.

Answer 8

Dear Friend,
Answer me first.........do you Love your wife?
If you do .................then go ahead and have a heart to heart discussion with her may be even disclose your infidelity.
Practical people in todays world won't suggest you the same.
Let her understand why and what happened and you regret.
You need to rework your Marital life, replan and find the zing thing.
In other words let your wife come out in open and tell you what she means by being mean.
Take help of a marriage counsellor but before that you need to give it a shot with your wife one more time.
If you are such a glib person i wonder why you can not woo your wife back by doing some extra effort and win her back
Hope it helps
Cheers!

Answer 9

If she won't talk to you directly I suggest counseling either together or alone. If she won't go then you have your answer -- she isn't interested in fixing the relationship. If she catches you cheating you will be cleaned out in a messy divorce. You can't blame your affairs on her it's your choice. I would plan a trip away from home-- just the two of you- so you can try to talk to her. But it sounds like counseling is the best option for you right now.

Answer 10

"Been married 24 yrs, had sex with 2 women in the past month, I feel terrible but justified, what should I do?" Get tested for STDS, HIV, and HPV. With the latter two you'll have to be tested every year because although they may not present for up to 20 years you are still contagious...wouldn't it be fun to give your wife HPV which is a major cause of cervical cancer...obviously you're only concern is your selfish self.