I came out about being bi to my boyfriend, need help convincing him it's not a choice, any advice?

Question

I've known I was bisexual for a long time, over half my life. Tonight my boyfriend and I were talking and the subject came up. I decided that it was the right time to tell him when he asked me why I believed people were their orientation from birth.
I cried because it was pretty overwhelming, and he told me that he loved me just the same, but that homosexuality was a choice and a sin.
I just need help convincing him that I would never choose to be persecuted all my life for who I have feelings for.
Does anyone have an easy way to put it to him, to help him understand? He's been a Christian all his life, so he's pretty set in his beliefs, so I need some good points.

I am not leaving him - that is not an option.


Thank you all (:

first off, to the shallow moron who said I should bring a woman into bed with us: we don't have sex. We've both made our choice to wait til marraige, thanks.

and to the person who said I'd never be faithful: you've got to be kidding me. I have never cheated or even thought about cheating on anyone in my life.
Sorry to inform you guys, I'm not a bad person.

Answer 1

Charlotte, you can't convince anyone of something that they have been deeply indoctrinated in since childhood. Most people, by the way, have little contact with non-straight people (that they know of) and most people are very ignorant of sexual orientation development in humans. Just look at the answers in this forum at times.

You could have been one of this guy's children. You could have been his best friend. You could have been his own sister or a favorite aunt. He would have had the same answer when you came out to him, period.

It's not your role as a potential wife of this guy to put him through Sexual Orientation 101. It should start to make you wonder: What else would a marriage to this guy entail? If he loves you and you agree to be loyal to him during the marriage, that is all that matters, period. If he wants to remold you into a person you are not, based on his personal views on religion (and not yours) then there's going to be trouble in the relationship.

If he wants to know about human sexual orientation, he should go out and learn about it on his own. You are not his teacher. You are a potential wife. Personally, I think the guy ought to grow up and be thankful for what he has: A nice girl who will be a faithful wife.

Answer 2

This guy has been really open w u about his past when he had no obligation to do so. It seems to me like he is really trustworthy regardless of what happened. In addition, if u r only talking about masturbating that's very common. According to the Hite Report on Male Sexuality, 43% of men say they masturbated with other males. Almost all grew up straight. I did it a lot w my best friend and at least once w a half dozen other friends, but we all liked girls and all grew up straight. Obviously, seeing and/or touching the other guy's penis is exciting, in the same way watching porn is, but it doesn't mean a guy wants to kiss another guy or feel romantic toward him. If that's all it was, u have nothing to worry about. Ur guy is like almost half the men out there. Like I said, even if it's more, u have a man who is being very open. Don't pass up a good thing. (I'd be more concerned that he is always asking u to marry him. Desperate?) If this is an issue, it would be a good idea to go together and talk out ur concerns w a counselor.

Answer 3

You might not be able to convince him otherwise, sadly. And what's even more sad is that there's more myths and negative stereotypes about bisexuality than homosexuality, as you can see from some of the answers here.

I have never understood why people (Christians) tell me that my being a bisexual is a sin. I don't think very many people understand even what sexual orientation means. Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept. In your case, I am going to assume you are a virgin because you said you wanted to wait until marriage. So ask him why he feels that it is so sinful just for you to have a certain sexual orientation when you are not going out on him.

As for trying to show him that it isn't a choice, perhaps the best thing you can do is try and see if you can get him to read some literature on the topic. Go to your local Barnes & Noble and look in the LGBT section, they have some excellent books written to help out people who are having a hard time understanding that sexual orientation is not a choice, and give the books to your boyfriend to read.

Answer 4

The best answer I can give is this: Ask him if he "chose" to love you. People do not choose to love or desire another person. They may choose to do certain things, have sex or not have sex, live together or wait until marriage, but love is a feeling that emerges from the inside when we are around that special person. Did he choose to be attracted to you, or did it just happen? I think he would say that it just happened. Not a choice, is it? Just as you cannot choose to be attracted to someone if you are not. Choice, choice, choice. If everything was a choice, it would be a cold, cold world without feelings, just a menu, and a limited one at that. What you have made clear is that you love him and choose to stay with him on the basis of that love, so much so that you have stated it is not an option to leave him. No matter what attraction you have to women, you are steadfast in your love for your boyfriend, and you are choosing not to act on your desires for the same sex. This is choice based on love, not the other way around.

Answer 5

Come on people!! What is that crap that because of his religion he should leave her and it's a sin and all these you're talking about! I'm a Christian too and as a matter of fact an orthodox. I live in Greece where 90% of the people are orthodox! That hasn't stop me of living my life the way I chose! I won't burn in hell just because I like both genders... Please! We don't harm anyone by being bisexual or gay! The things are not so tragic. I think that he'll accept it girl because he really loves you. Be sure about that and don't listen to people who say you're a sinner.

Answer 6

Let's call a spade a spade: you're not dealing with rational beliefs, you're dealing with prejudice. I'm sorry if I offend minorities with this observation, but prejudice against GLBT comes from the same need to hate and demonize that racial prejudice does. Prejudice doesn't respond to rational arguments because it's essentially anti-rational, and it comes with its own self-rationalizations.

Arguments and "good points" don't stop prejudice, especially when it's the victims doing the arguing. Prejudice is mostly turned around by life experience. People live with racial minorities, religious minorities, gay people, etc., and a lot of them see that they are decent people and their prejudice softens. Depending on how aggressive your boyfriend is with his prejudice, you can show by example that you deserve the same respect everyone else does. If his prejudice is virulent enough, he might decide to dump you, or try to badger you into denying who you are.

I'm not saying this would change anybody's mind, but the best comeback I know to the line about choosing to be gay or bi is to ask the accuser how and when he/she chose to be a heterosexual.

By the way, there is a large number of life-long Christians who aren't homophobes. They are losing ground to homophobia, however, since naked racial discrimination has gone out of favor.

Answer 7

Ask him if he could choose to have sex with another man. Could he love and desire another man? Could he even get it up and enjoy the sex or would he be repulsed? Could he willingly become gay?
(He will probably react quite disgustedly at this point).
Well, you could no more choose to be something else that you are. He was born straight, so he can't make himself love and desire men. You were born as you were. You can choose not to act on it, just like you choose not to have sex before wedding, but you can't choose what you think and what you desire.

Answer 8

He's being too religious. Most guys would be so jealous of him, that is if you bring another girl in the relationship.

The thing is though, it may be tough to stay together. I am a christian and I know that most christians (if they are grounded) will have a problem with it, and you don't want him to have to compromise his beliefs.

Maybe you should take a month and think about your future.

I don't know, just a suggestion.

Answer 9

you should say that it is not a choice because people can choose if they want to homosexual because people say so or because people wouldn't like you. you can't just become striaght just because someone told you to. its your life and you cant let anyone tell you what do. im christian and i am also bi. people tell me to change, but i didn't want too. i want to stay the way i am

Answer 10

He will have to accept it if he realy loves you. It hard to change a persons mind. I do beleive that you are born gay/bi/lesbian/ transgendered.
However in the long run, if he realy loves you it wont be a problem. As long as you don't bring some girl home with you and share it with him, there should be no problem.