Here is my first shot
Shining lines
Of tears falling down
Your perfect face
And in such simple words
An apology
My words
Trampling yours
It never was your fault
And so I will
Say my hardest goodbye
Your body shudders
Sobbing
And upon my lips you bestow
The softest kiss
My eyes close
Your footsteps fade
I find myself alone
My task is clear
My greatest desire
To set you free
Accomplished by
The sweetest farewell
My eyes sweep down
Those twenty stories
Over the railing
Hanging by
A hand
Now the release
Goodbye Kitty
I always loved you
I always will
Goodbye my Kitty
Goodbye my love
but I had several people tell me the ending was poor, so here is my second attempt starting from 'A hand'
A hand
Now the release
Goodbye baby
I always loved you
I always will
Goodbye my love
Farewell
Which is better? Or if you have a better idea let me know. Thanks.
2007-06-19 17:25:25 · 12 answers · asked by BeautifulDisgrace 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Kitty is her name. I wrote it based off something that happened. But the name Kitty seems to be causing confusion.
2007-06-19 17:32:44 · update #1
I like the second one better. It's more to the point and fits better. And i'm guessing it's not really about a cat, which the first kind of makes you think. But the second is the best ending for your beautiful poem.
PS try www.postpoems.com. you can post poems and read other members' and critique each other and it's free. I have a lot of my own posted there.
2007-06-19 17:35:01 · answer #1 · answered by Miss Understood 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The sweetest farewell
My eyes sweep down
Those twenty stories
Over the railing
Hanging by
A hand
Now the release
Goodbye dear
Our memories run across
My mind and soul
Goodbye my love
Farewell
2007-06-20 00:36:59 · answer #2 · answered by Miss Diiana 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Those twenty stories
Over the railing
Hanging by
A hand
Now the release
Against the screams of passerbys
Frantic sirens wailing in the distance
Your time is short
and so is mine
If I join you in the descent
Will you love me in the next life?
2007-06-20 00:30:49 · answer #3 · answered by wigginsray 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
use
a hand
now the release
goodbye darling/baby
i always loved you
i always will
farewell to you
goodbye my love.
That poem was one of the best I've ever seen on answers. You have true talent.
2007-06-20 10:45:33 · answer #4 · answered by Mary 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked your second ending better but I'd rather you didn't personalize so much with baby either. Try
Goodbye for now
I always loved you
I always will
Goodye my love
Farewell
Or something that keeps the narrative between you and I. Using a little pet name for whom your writing about takes away from connecting with your reader and limits the meaning of your poem to only you.
2007-06-20 01:26:06 · answer #5 · answered by BluLizard 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Excellent poem until you got me thinking at the end you were killing your cat
How about this (if its not a cat as your hand starts to slip from
From my grip we know the future looking into ones eyes. Please remember while this is goodbye I always loved you and always will. I will say goodbye now because farewell is just too good a word.
2007-06-20 00:43:08 · answer #6 · answered by JOHN 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The second
2007-06-20 00:28:05 · answer #7 · answered by Clara1212 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I stayed strond and said life goes on as I looked up into the heavens it was as tho I saw a new beginning and love must be set free for it is better to loved and lost than never to have experienced what we had together so my love it is farwell good bye until god puts us together again in the sky. someday our love will return to be as one.
2007-06-20 00:36:05 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
is it a cat you're talking about, or a loved one. Are you going to throw someone off a balcony? Or are you going to jump.
I feel like something bad is about to happen in this poem.
2007-06-20 00:30:27 · answer #9 · answered by PH 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A huge run-on sentence.
Couldn't follow.
Gave up a few lines down.
2007-06-20 01:46:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋