Nervous swinger friends?

Question

My husband and I are swingers who have been playing for a couple of years. We went on a weekend trip a month ago with the parents of our daughter's friend and we all got horny and messed around. They had never done anything like this and had no idea that we had (we don't tell friends). We have played a couple of times since and it has been reeeeal good.
Problem now: she is jealous. Her and her husband are having issues about it and said that we should stop. That's fine with us - really. We'd rather be friends with them and more importantly preserve our marriages.
Now when we are around each other the sexual tension is TREMENDOUS. She wants it so bad and makes it known, but we have promised not to go there (or even try) unless they say they want to again (not in a "heat of the moment" situation). She openly says my husband turns her on so much. I say either we resume, or we go back to "normal" - this in between is no good. "Normal" might not be possible anymore.
Any ideas???

(besides lectures about how you think we are ruining our marriage)

We understand that we might just have to end our friendship with them. In the future we will steer clear of existing friends.

Also to be clear, we would rather they be happy in their marriage then keep screwing us. If we need to go away for them to be better, so be it.

Answer 1

Hi Nice Lady,
I haven't read the other answers yet, but I'm betting few if any have bothered to notice your high ethical and moral standards regarding the sanctity of marriage. Not just your own marriage, but ANYone's marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that the other wife is having such severe jealousy issues. Seems like a "slightly" unfair double standard, doesn't it? She's allowed to be attracted to others, yet her husband is not? [rolling my eyes] You're quite right that you may have to call this friendship quits...at least for a long while. Such is the nature of becoming sexually involved in a situation that you can't just walk away from clean. That includes close friends, neighbours, co-workers, your kids' friends' parents or their teachers...

I'm sorry if our prudence in this matter translates to some as dishonesty or sneakiness. It's just a matter of being discrete and doing everything we can to not cause a scandal that would disrupt the lives of others.

The best bet is always clear, concise, direct communication. Let them know what you have decided to do and explain what it is that is making you uncomfortable. No need to make it sound condescending or accusatory. Just explain your beliefs and why you believe what you do. For example, if it were me, I'd let them know that while Mr. intuition897 and I were definitely attracted to them and truly enjoyed their company, we were uncomfortable with the idea of doing anything that we sense might put a strain on anyone's relationship. This is a very delicate area and it's pretty easy to step on someone's toes. While their relationship IS not and CANNOT be our business to manage, we are still morally and ethically obligated to never engage in anything that we feel would be detrimental to the marital bond. We work damn hard at our own marriage and take our bond extremely seriously, and to take the marriage bonds of others any less seriously would make liars of us. We will not have that.

So this means we are left with the tricky and unpleasant task of, essentially, telling a couple who is having a problem...that they have a problem. But it's not our place to tell them this; they're supposed to have figured it out already on their own! Only you know your friends. If you feel that you're close enough to them to let them know what's really going on, that would be the best. Simply tell them that you don't enjoy playing when you feel that one or more persons is not having as much fun as the rest, and there were times when the other Mrs. was definitely giving off that vibe. Explain that you don't want to contribute in any way to friction of the unpleasant sort between them, so you've decided that it would be best to take a complete break from each other for a couple of months...maybe a few. Maybe even longer, who knows? Once everyone is able to play easily and in a relaxed and fun way, without needing to resort to one-sided playground rules, you'd love to hear back from them.

Hope this helped some. Good luck to you both!

EDIT>> I stand corrected. There are some excellent answers here.

Answer 2

This is why I have always said "It's better to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends." That way the relationship starts on known ground and develops from there to a friendship. The relationship is clearly defined up front.

I think you are thinking right, the relationship has to be one way or the other.

It's also normal for someone to get a little jealous and want to do it again at the same time. They are just getting into it and they jumped in the deep end rather than wading in as they were comfortable.

Personally, I'd take the relationship back to being just friends and let them pursue swinging on their own with others. You can talk about it now with them and share some exciting conversation, but I'd cool it with having sex with them until at least they get themselves worked-out.

For some more advice from those in the know, pose this question over on The Swingers Board http://www.swingersboard.com . You'll get real, objective answers, not just judgemental crap like here.

Answer 3

That's probably a good idea. More importantly, it's important to swing with people who are really strong in their relationship. These people sound like they were just having an affair that they both knew about. And you didn't want that.

Ideally, you and your husband should be no more important to the other couple than a really great sex toy.

You may want to distance yourself from these people until they've worked on their marriage. If you're really close with the wife, try sitting down with her and letting her know that her marriage is important to you. And if they have problems, they need to concentrate on each other for the time being.

If they have issues, watching her lust after your husband is not helping her husband. And if she's feeling emotionally vulnerable, you don't want her rebounding to an unhealthy obsession with your husband.

Their marriage may never heal. Many marriages break up. And it probably has nothing to do with swinging. And it probably will never heal to a point where they can swing again, particularly with people who were part of their falling out, even indirectly. You may very well lose your friendship with them due to the distancing. But they're your friends. And they have children. So their marriage has to be what's important to you, even if it causes you to lose them.

Sorry you got caught up in that. And good luck.

Answer 4

Too bad here at Yahoo! Answers people judge others instead of giving advice. If you think it is wrong, don't answer the question. Keep what you feel is "morals" to yourself.

I know people who are into this. They have raised children, held good jobs, live and honest living, and maintain good friendships. Engineers, doctors, lawyers, etc

Sounds like the woman in the other marriage likes to get her husband jealous and not only that she is thrilled over being jealous. I think you can only maintain a friendship going back to normal. You need to talk about this with them. Tell them that their marriage is much more important that the secondary fun you all have. You should as another woman discuss with her that this might not be a good idea in the future even to try with anther couple.

Answer 5

interesting situation, which for anyone who's even thought about this lifestyle needs to consider as a possibility. keep things cool with them, the sexual tension will linger for quite awhile I'm sure. make it known that you want to remain friends with them, but not on a level that will jeopardize there relationship. maybe some same room sex with no swapping? It sounds like they need some time and some space to figure out the boundaries in their relationship. remember what it was like when you two first started? probably felt overwhelmed with new ideas and possibilities? that's probably what they're going through right now. hope everything works for the best for all of you.

Answer 6

It seems that by being near this woman she feels like she is having a carrot dangled under her nose. You can't undo what has happened. It doesn't sound like being with these people is pleasant anymore and probably won't ever be again. Get new friends and next time don't screw around with something that is already good without sex. (No pun intended) There are probably plenty of other couples who are into what you are into without dipping into family friends or people connected to your daughter. Keep the different types of relationships separate. A lesson was learned from all of this, so at least some good came from it.

Answer 7

I think staying away from there for just a little while might help out. If all of you enjoyed it that much then it could have caused connection somewhere between someone. That is going to cause someone or even a couple to split up. You don't have to quit what you do just give it a break and let things calm down a little.

Answer 8

I think that everybody involved has to respect the Golden Rule:

NO means NO!

As long as any ONE (or more) person is uncomfortable with the situation, then it should stop immediately!

That's not to say that things can't be rekindled at a later date - but as long as the other couple still has to work out their issues, then you guys (as good friends) should be willing to do whatever it takes to help them out. Even if it means that you have to put the friendship on hold until that time...

In this case, this is extremely important as their reactions are so WIDELY varied - she's practically ready to jump your husband (and/or you), while her husband is clearly having issues with the whole thing.

Just because she "wants it so bad" doesn't mean that you have the right to give her what she needs - unless her husband says otherwise (and it sounds like he DOESN'T).

Answer 9

It doesn't sound like they are very educated on this sort of lifestyle. How much research have they done? (2 links for them)

Well....the can of worms is open. I think you should stop anything sexual with them. They are not ready for it, they are horny but not mentally prepared. I would avoid friend entanglements from now on. But your right "normal" probably isn't possible anymore. Her libido will get the best of her and she WILL make a pass at your husband for something secret on the side. Pity really.

Best of luck.

Answer 10

hello,
like you my lady and myself are swingers as well (over 20years) and like you think its great and wouldn't change it for anything and like you we have been through the same thing as you are going through now ....its a shame but some people are not meant to be swingers and your friends sound like they are some of those people and the easiest way is to end it all together if they can't behave or go back to normal (and you can do this), seems to me as though she is the problem by trying to make her partner jealous...on purpose and the last thing you want to do is be dragged into their problems .... and it is their problems and not yours, I would say it was happening before you played together , I think its a bit rude of them to do this to you ... well good luck and play safe