what would you do if your spouse is competely insecure..?

Question

so it goes like this. my husbands been away for 10months because of a stupid parole violation. and i havent taked 2 him 4 3weeks.so i paid the bill and he calls..and instead of asking about his kids or asking if im okay our conversation was mostly like tell me what you been doing cuz i already know.he expects me to be unfaithful and he thinks too much in his head.
i have no time for bullshit in my life. and these last 10 months i have had 2 basically deliver by myself, make ends meet with no job and 2 kids and a 6 month old baby. i aslo had to deal with my grandma passing and away my mother is getting sick.i know our past wasnt the grestest however im 2 damm old 2 be thinking im 16 with no kids.ya feel me !!
well i guess the question is i've partied my whole life, i used 2 be a "bad girl" did a whole lot of wasting my life away. but now i'm a good wife and the best mother i can be.how do i deal with his insecurity when he comes home next month.i dont want to break down into a freak

freaken depression because i'm always trying to prove something when in fact i don't need to.i guess being in the walls of prison really doesnt help.but i dont know what 2 saty 2 him for him to feel at ease.. well i need suggestions. thanks.

and yes i know it's a package deal.marriage but, how do i deal with his insecurities. as far as i've been trying to basically convince him that we are still good to go as far as our relationship & marriage.and there's nothing wrong but every day struggle.

Answer 1

I think you need to do just one thing , You need to just tell him that you love him trust him and that he needs to do the same for you . in all the madness that you go through bringing up your kids and dealing with your life with him temporarily out of it you don't need his suspicions you need his love and support his strength and his need for you .
Just swear to him that you are waiting for the day that he is in your life full time again after all he is feeling scared and lonely to . sounds like he has a lot to lose . and is feeling insecure.

Answer 2

Several thoughts run through my mind as I read this, one being your bad girl image which he remembers all too well. Might be why he is so insecure since he can't be there with you.

But on the other hand, he also sounds very immature and that is going to lead to problems when he is released and you are together again.

I would sit down and write him a long letter and fill him in on everything you have had to deal with and stress the word ALONE because he isn't there for you to lean on and he isn't there to help you through these difficult times.

And remind him you took vows when you married and you believe in keeping those and are very offended that he keeps accusing you of doing something wrong when it is the LAST thing on your mind. Explain to him what trust is and tell him you haven't done anything to break that trust and until he has PROOF that you have, he needs to stop with the insecurities and accusations. If trust isn't in a marriage, it will be one long, rocky road.

Remind him that when he calls, it would be nice if he would love the kids enough to ask about them and what they are doing and how they are changing ~ that is what husbands and wives discuss when true love is in the picture and they've had to be apart. Think about those in Iraq and how they miss their children and ask all kinds of questions about them.

But beyond that, don't keep trying to defend yourself because that will wear you down and he isn't listening anyway so why waste your breath? Don't keep playing his childish games. I can guarantee if he keeps this up that when he gets out, your life is going to be miserable, not counting what the poor kids will go through because he hasn't grown up.

I would also put in that letter that you think the two of you need to go for some counseling. You can go to your minister and get free counseling to get you both on the right page ~ for now, you are on one page in the middle of the book as you grow and mature and he's way back in Chapter 1 where little boys are still trying to grow up.

Answer 3

Being locked up in jail from your loved ones must be a very hard thing for him. You have to understand that maybe he is releasing his stress on you a little bit. Lots of people can't be trusted even when their spouses are there, so him being away creates many bad thoughts in his mind which really just make him realize how much he doesn't want to lose you. Be patient with him and always reassure him of how you changed your ways for him and the children and how much you really value them. At the end of the day, the best way to make him feel secure is to shower him in love...love overcomes all. Hope this helped you...
Peace & blessings

Answer 4

That is a lot on your plate. You have gone through a lot this past year while he is going stir crazy in jail. Next time he asks what are you doing, tell him - all of it. Just let him have it. He needs it rammed down his throat that you barely have time to breath with all of the things you face on a daily basis much less cheat on him. That you are a good and faithful wife and even though you have faced so much personal tragedy that you are waiting for him and tell him that you need him to comfort you and be there for you in emotional support if nothing else and to get over himself, and he needs to man up and believe in you and trust you.

Answer 5

Well, I never dated anyone who was in jail for anything. I'm sure that's given him all kinds of emotional baggage I can't anticipate.

But you sound as though you love your husband, and that you want to continue being his wife.

So be his wife. Get a sitter for a whole day a few days after he gets back. (After he's had a while to shower and shave and hug his kids.)
Spend a whole day alone together at home, no distractions. Order a pizza, use paper plates. Don't answer the phone.
Let him know how hard it's been for you, and everything you've been through. Then tell him how hard it's been to be without him.

And be there for him. There are times when we need our men to be strong for us. And there are times when our men need us to be strong for them. He's been through a lot. And he needs you right now. Steel yourself, gather your strength, and be the woman he needs you to be. Help him heal his doubts and insecurities, and build him back up.
Don't let him pick a fight. Don't let him get defensive. Don't be defensive yourself. Women are emotionally stronger than men. And you have it in you to be the strong one.

Then he'll be able to get back to his life, get back to work, get back to his role in the family, and you'll all be able to get back to normal. Once you've supported him, he'll be able to help support you in the things you've been facing and will have to face.

It sounds as if knowing that you love him is the most important thing in the world to him now. Bear that in mind.

And God Bless.

Answer 6

First and foremost I'm going to pray for you...This is a hard time for you and him. Right now you need to be strong...I know that's easier said then done...but I'm sensing that you are the strong one in your family...I know what that is like to have a man in jail questioning your loyalty...I don't know him but I believe he's scared right now and you are all he believes that he has. Be there for him mentally....it will help both of you. Right now give all your problems to GOD...let him carry your burdens...seriously out aloud tell him how much you need him to help you and your family...I want you to know when you think your at your weakest...You're actually being strong....Because you didn't let go, you didn't give up...and you're still holding it down. Keep your head up. And please do me a favor...change your screen name...you are not a lost soul...you are a child of GOD how could you be lost? Stand up...you can do. He'll show you if you surrender your will to his. He can make away out of no way and change it all for good. Remember...There is no problem or issue that is bigger than GOD. He is in control...God Bless you..and I know he will.

Answer 7

do what you do do it well no need to proove yourself if he is insecure we all see things our way, he is sitting in a cell thinking what you might be doing hearing what the other inmates think their wifes are doing... he has the burden of proof to say that you are cheating. shakespeare said " to your own self be true." love the kids and deal with it when he comes out. ask for proof, proof he does not have. this is character be strong macho men like strong character women.
and request that he should respect you for that. if there is no proof shut up and go find work! cus that is what you waited for him.

Answer 8

Go easy on the guy! We all get insecure when we are afraid of losing something we care so much about! True, he phrased it wrong when he called you, but think about what went through his head those 3 weeks. He has nothing but time to think of crap like that! It sounds like he is afraid of losing you, and he is about to go crazy. If you have no time for a spouse's" bullsh#t", why did you get married? That is a package deal, babe. See if it changes when he gets home, and go from there.

Answer 9

Right now he is locked up, so it is hard for him to understand the trials you've been through while he is there. Once he gets home he will settle down be okay. Sometimes insecurities come from not knowing and allowing our imagination to run away with us. It will be fine once he is out and back home. Sorry for all you have been through.

Answer 10

I've seen where you have asked questions of this sort before. I think you have too much time on your hands. You should start your own blog where you can write all day to your heart's content.