I was married to a sociopath who worked on and off for over a decade. There was not one vow or 10 commandment that he did not violate at least once. My family, his family and our friends encouraged me to divorce him. I tried to save the marriage but paid a great deal to him financially and emotionally. My self esteem and self love was at its lowest. He cheated, lied, stole money and use drugs. I finally had enough and divorced him. I am in counseling and determined to move on with my life. When I have to speak to my ex I usually catch him lying and trying to confuse me. Although he rarely contacts our children, he makes promises to them that he does not keep. He is going to marry another woman in the next month. I want to stop being angry at him and move on. To contact him would only cause another fight. How can I get closure without talking to or contacting him?
2007-06-19 12:15:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have to be fully committed to bringing this to an end. its not enough to say you want closure.... and yet you are angry at him. If he is as horrible as you indicate he is, consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. Let his new wife have him....and good luck to her.
You need to concentrate on your self and your children. Have a positive mental attitude towards life. Take yoga and exercise classes. Get a better paying job. Do fun things with your children and be busy enjoying life and each other. Most important, pray and thank God for the many blessings coming to you and your children. You will see that in no time, you will stop thinking or being angry at your ex-husband. And freeing your mind of anger towards him, opens the door to better things for you and your children. Believe me. I speak from experience.
2007-06-20 14:13:22 · answer #1 · answered by mfi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Closure that you want may never come with having shildren he does have some reasons to contact you. All you can do is be a better more confident person and know how he has treated you in the past and keep your guard up when dealing with him. Only contact him when the children are involved , feel some sympathy for the next woman you said he is marrying because he will be the same to her. I hope you can be a bigger stronger person and move on from this and find a real man who deserves you and your childrens love.
2007-06-19 12:27:09 · answer #2 · answered by Don't make me beg!!! 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Really focus on your new life of freedom. You could of course write a letter and express any feelings you may or may not have told him. You can keep it, or really send it off...but just the act of writing helps heal. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him...you don't need it. Do extra for yourself right now...anything that will build your confidence. Get your hair and nails done (or do them at home if the budget doesn't allow) But just put yourself first. You are obviously very strong to walk away from a bad situation after ten years...enjoy your life and look forward to all the open doors that are now available to you. Good luck : )
2007-06-19 12:25:13 · answer #3 · answered by Melissa G 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Keep on with the counseling, for starters.
Then maybe a divorce ceremony would help.
Gathjer up everything you can find of his, or that he gave you or wore, or any photos of him. Include anything that reminds you of how terrible a husband he was.
Then have a bonfire...throwing in each item and letting it burn completely before adding the next.
I know of women who felt the relationship was truly over after doing this!
(I'd try not to let the kids know about this, however)
Good luck!
2007-06-19 12:22:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
As long as he is making promises to your children that he doesn't keep, you will be angry with him. Face it, it is not so much the grieving as it is the way that he hurts your children. The key here is to help your children deal with this in a healthy way. Getting mad at him won't help but helping your children to understand what it means to keep promises and not keep promises will. Let me see if I can make this clearer.
Lets say that he promises to take them to the park and doesn't show up. Your kids are disappointed and upset. Teach them that when someone makes promises and doesn't keep them, it is okay to be upset. Do not put dad down for not keeping his promise just teach them that it is ok to be upset and the best way to deal with this upset is to talk about it and then find something else to do that is just as fun. This is a delicate balance. Talk to your counselor about more ways to do this or contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com.
2007-06-19 12:29:02 · answer #5 · answered by brighterdayscounseling 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you don't have children with him, there is no reason to contact him or talk to him. Move on. There are way more men out there than your ex. Keep yourself busy with activities outside of your home that you really enjoy and perhaps you will meet someone with like interest. Good luck to you!
2007-06-19 12:26:04 · answer #6 · answered by ♪♫♪justpassingby♪♫♪ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It takes time to rebuild, because it took time to get into this mess and get torn down. Time is your friend. Every day you will feel a little more sane being away from him. Be patient and realize that every day its getting better, but it takes time for you to cut off the old life and start a new one. That guy sounds an awful lot like my daughter's ex-husband. She is doing great without him. Be patient and take care of yourself and your kids.
2007-06-19 12:24:20 · answer #7 · answered by Barbara B 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The only "closure" you need is the promise you make to yourself that you're totally done with him. There's no need to have any dialogue with him. He's done enough damage to you in your life. You're lucky to be rid of him. I pity the woman he's going to marry. Mentally just close that chapter in your life, and think about the future. That's all the closure you need!
2007-06-19 12:20:44 · answer #8 · answered by cynthiajean222 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Send what you have to say about the kids in a letter, and tell him that you prefer to talk about the kids through a letter and get him to answer in a letter. That's until you can deal with talking to him again. Maybe by then the kids will be old enought to speak for themselves, then you won't have to talk to him at all.
2007-06-19 12:25:03 · answer #9 · answered by 24Special 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It takes time. First, divorce is like a death, it is a death, and most experts think a death takes a year to begin healing from. A year, so it takes time. Second, do not even begin to think about trying to forget. I mean, you still remember your teacher from fifth grade, your first kiss, your best vacation, and worse vacation. We do not forget things, we just put them into perspective. How long will that take? It will begin, after a year, but will keep going, and going.
2007-06-19 12:18:43 · answer #10 · answered by John B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋