is it selfish to leave a marriage if there is a kid, just because i don't feel happy?

Question

i've been with my husband for almost 9 years, married for 3, and lately all i can think about is leaving him. it's strange that years ago i was crazy head-over-heels in love with him, but now i can barely stand to be in the same room. i just don't feel happy with him. we have a 2 year old son together and i don't know if it's fair to him if i leave his father for my own happiness. we have almost split many times on my account, but he always asks me to come back and i always end up staying. he's not a terrible person, he's just angry and stressed out ALL the time, and it's hard to live in a house where i constantly have to walk on eggshells to keep him happy. he isn't violent, he just yells and places alot of blame on other people. my son is also starting to notice when i'm sad and asks me "mommy, what happened"? i wonder if i't possible to fall out of love, and what that feels like? any advice?

my husband is always finding things to do so he is never spending time with us. it's usually just me and my son together anyways. i'm not saying that my husband is a monster. he's a great guy and i'm sure he can make somebody happy, just not me anymore.

Answer 1

OH MY GOD...I can't believe the nerve of some people answering this question... NO, it's not selfish!

Take it from someone who grew up in a home just as you described; my mom stayed. She is still staying. I am well-adjusted because of her, but she has wasted her whole life on a marriage because it was "the right thing to do". Now she is almost 50, with emotional problems like depression, and still dealing with the same problems you described. I used to beg my mom to leave my dad. She never did, and she and the rest of the family were miserable. Now, she regrets having stayed.

It WILL be better for your child if you're happy and well-adjusted. It is selfish to stay out of complacency, and allow your child to live in an unhappy home because you're too scared to leave.

Go to counseling for yourself, but, to answer your question...your child will be more hurt if you stay in a marriage like that!

Answer 2

I think you need to be happy. Sounds to me like it isn't just a case of you wanting to leave. It sounds like he is an unkind man that is not treating you well. I have been in those controlling and manipulative relationships and they do not change. Your children will be happy if you are happy. Show them that it is not okay to allow someone to treat you poorly in a relationship. I purposefully did not discuss your other problem because I do not think you should make leaving your husband about your sexual orientation. It should be about the way he treats you. Now, regarding you jumping the fence. I think it is perfectly fine for you to carry on a relationship with this person once you leave your husband. So what if you family doesn't agree. If they love you they will come around. I had a friend that came out when he was 22. His family was very Catholic and did not approve. It was hard at first but they saw how happy he was now that he was out. They did come around and accept him. btw, he also had a child.

Answer 3

Remember the reasons you loved him. Think of every little thing that he did to make you happy. Then think about what he has done to make you unhappy. Is it bad enogh to leave over? Are you just bored? It takes a team effort to build and keep a marriage good. Would you care if you saw him with another woman? Sometime thinking about all of those things brings true feelings to surface. Then you can decide if you are just going through a phase and the marriage can recover....If, in the end you honestly do not feel the old feelings you had it is better to go and not put your son through years of hurt. Don't give up until you have tried everything...once it's gone...it's gone.

Answer 4

Lucy, Dr. Laura would tell you you were selfish to leave the marriage because you had kid(s) and you made your bed now deal with it. I do not agree. I have worked as a family law paralegal for over 15 years and I can tell you one thing for sure..."an unhappy parent makes an unhappy child". Any child living in a family where there is discontent is absolutely aware of it and is affected by it on a daily basis. It is a proven fact that children often feel they are to blame for their parent's unhappiness. Any child who was or is currently being raised in a situation such as yours will tell you they would much rather have had only one parent in the family residence and struggle financially than to have had both miserable parents and live through it. All too often parents hate each other more than they love their kids. If you are unhappy then for gods sake and for the kids sake, get out. Remember, your kids will not be with you forever, only 18 years if you are lucky, imagine allowing yourself to be miserable for that long for what you think is in the kids best interests only to have them grow up and move on with their lives and where does that leave mommy? Still in a miserable state of affairs. Get out now. your kids will thank you for it, and you deserve much better in life. Good luck.

Answer 5

Well i was in the same situtation once and i did stay around for the children but then i thought to myself it wasen't about staying or going it was about my comfort...I was use to him and i felt that i had invested so much time that i might as well stay....But i also noticed the i lost my womenhood and my self-esteem..Your son see your unhappiness and it's infecting him more then you ever know..He is just not old enough yet to tell you...When i made my decision to leave my husband i thought to myself kids are happy when their parents are happy and my kids and i deserved to be happy....They were happy with me monday thru friday and happy with their dad on saturday and sunday..and me and him got along better also...Everyone in this world has a choice how they want to spend there lives...Happy or Unhappy make that choice!!! P.S it is possible to fall out of love your heart can't do what your mind tell it to....

Answer 6

My opinion is that if there is no abuse or cheating involved then you and your husband are equally at fault for the breaking down of your marriage. I personally think if you want to leave just because you are bored and tired of him then you need to grow up. Marriage is a life long commitment that should be taken very seriously. If there was once a strong connection before-what happenend to it and can you get it back. I honestly don't think you should stay just for a child, however I think that is the best reason to try and reconnect before throwing your poor kids life into a whirlwind!

Answer 7

Let me tell you what I think of this kind of situations:

First of all, when two people get together and marry, they have started a new life as heads of a new family. That means taking all the responsibility that comes with it. A house to live in, bills to pay, and future babies to come and take care of.

Now, for those two people, things change a lot. Their life is no longer a “party” where you can just go in and out and do as you please. Even if you have lots of money and good jobs, your responsibilities are very clear and should always be taken care of.

To be prepared for matrimony, both partners should spend as much time together as possible, and live life as they were married already. This is the ultimate test for a relation. If you can survive that for a couple of years or so, and better yet, become stronger together, then you are ready for matrimony and to start a new family with kids and everything.

But sadly, most cases today are the opposite. People jump into matrimony like crazy and is just later on when they realize they made a mistake. And many times, is too late as now there are kids in the middle.

To have a strong base, both of you should have unconditional love for each other, that is, to sacrifice yourself as much as you can for each other, no matter what, to make him/her happy. When that love is mutual, and you add understanding on each side, you can achieve incredible things.

For what you said, you got to know your husband very well before you got married. But in no time, after being married, you have changed your feelings and you think you don’t love him anymore.

If he hasn’t done anything really bad, and the problem is stress, being mad or angry, and not spending time with you or the family in general, then I think your relation deserves more chances before you guys decide to end it.

You now have a kid, and it is very bad and devastating to have divorced parents, but also, is even worse to have to live with parents that hate each other are fight all the time. Both cases are bad and don’t forget, “monkey sees, monkey does”… This is why so many kids today have the wrong idea about relations and matrimony.

Instead, you should consider to try to fix problems. For example, if your husband comes home tired and stressed from work, you should try to help him out. Don’t forget, sacrifice for happiness. Of course, he needs to do the same for you, so you two must sit down and talk about all this.

In fact, you need to be ready to sit with him, and have a long and honest conversation. You two must be honest and try to express your feelings, good and bad. You both are there to help each other, and I bet you that he is not aware of mnay things that you have said here. Unless he is a jerk, he would probably try to help you out or at least talk to you about it. Or maybe he knows but is afraid to ask you. Either way, since you are here asking strangers, I am telling you, go and talk to him, be the one who starts the conversation, and make sure you both speak out all your problems, concerns, happiness, sadness, everything!

And from there, decide if you both are worth a second chance. And never forget your kid. You both now need to sacrifice for him too, but together, not just one. Your kid is now first in line, for you, is your kid’s happiness followed by your husbands and then yours. For your husband, is the kid’s happiness followed by yours and then his. That is the way that should be and the only way that can be if you want the relation and the family… your family to work.

Is not easy, but possible. Trust me, I know. Good communication could bring you all into a much higher level, and happiness could come back to your house.

Or just take the easy way and walk away. Is your decision.

Good luck.

Answer 8

First off life is too short to be unhappy and miserable all the time. You need to do what you have to do. However having a child in a divorce is not always the best thing for a child. But at the same time if your child always see you and your husband fighting that's not healthy for your child either. So follow your heart. What ever is going to make you happy.

Answer 9

That fact that you are not happy isn't your husband's problem, it's your's. It is no one's responsibility to make or keep another person happy. Happiness is found within yourself, life is what you make of it. You can either choose to be happy or not. You need to look inside yourself and find what it was that made you happy enough to marry this man and have a family with him and what it is that makes you unhappy with him now and fix it. If that means leaving the marriage so be it.

Answer 10

Yes, it is wrong. You should do everything in your power to make your marriage a happy one. You need to start calling your husband on his behavior, do not walk on eggshells because of his moods. If there is a fight that needs to be had I will start it and finnish it. I have a great hubby, and he treats me with love and respect. We all get out of line don't we. We do not put up with that from each other, we say something about it and take care of it. Tell him that you guys need to renegotiate things. Take care of your marriage, and it will be a good one. It sounds like things keep being let go.