What are some important questions to ask your fiance before getting married?

Question

We have lived together for over a year, so living issues shouldn't be a problem, we both want kids someday and are very much in love. We have discussed finaces and religion, still not 100% in agreement, but have resolved to respect the other's position. But are there any other things that are important to ask before getting married to avoid problems later on? Thanks

Answer 1

- What are your expectations for physical intimacy?
- What 3 values do you think are most important in a relationship?
- If one of us gets sick or for some reason can't work, what will we do?
- When our parents get older, will we be responsible for caring for them? In our home or in a facility?
- What kinds of discipline do you think are appropriate for children?
- How will we divide up the chores? Will this change as our life change/kids come along/etc?
- Who will be responsible for our financial matters (budgets, bill-paying savings accounts, retirement accounts)? Will we share, keep them separate, equally contribute, contribute according to our income, etc?
- How do you define family? When we get married, will we be each other's top priority? How will we divide couple time, family time, friend time?
- Is there anything about me or our relationship that concerns you/bothers you?

Finances need to be in agreement; you may "respect" his decisions on how he spends his money now (and vice versa), but when kids come along, someone gets fired or is otherwise unemployed, you have an expensive mortage, you don't want to have to figure things out from scratch.

Answer 2

Other than the things you have already wisely discussed, here is a Top Ten list of other things you should know:
1. How does his father treat his mother? You will find that he will resemble in the way he interacts one or the other of them. Can you tolerate that?
2. Has he ever been married? Engaged? Have any children?
3. Insure he is not addicted to anything: drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling in particular.
4. Has he ever been arrested? If so, why?
5. What is his approximate sexual history? Has he been with a lot of women, a few, none at all, and are you OK with his answer?
6. Does he have any physical problems that may not be apparent, such as juvenile diabetes, a congenital heart abnormality, or something?
7. What is his favorite sexual fantasy, and, if it's something you would never want to help him fulfill, would he be able to live without it his whole life?
8. Has he ever been hospitalized, or even prescribed medications, for any mental illness?
9. Is he able to disagree with you without rage, without insults, and without using profanity?
10. Can he identify at least one personality trait or fault of his own that he would like to see improved within the next 5 years?

Answer 3

1. What will happen if he dies; who's the beneficiary.
2. In the event of divorce, how will the assets be divided? Are any of you willing to put that in writing, legally?
3. When you get married, whose name will be on what?
4. Will you have to work when pregnant, if so how much and who will take care of the kids, cook dinner, clean house, etc.
4. Will it be ok with you if his parents have to live with you for an extended period of time (if they become ill and can't take care of themselves?).
5. How offten are you expected to entertain his family members or friends?
6. If your hubby becomes ill, do you have a good enough job to pay the bills?
7. Does your fiance look at porn? How often? Does he visit chat rooms? Where and how much? Would he stop if you asked?
8. Has your fiance ever lied about looking at porn, emailing or chatting with other girls? If yes, you're in trouble girl.
9. Does fiance ever chat with, email or call ex girlfriends?
10. Does fiance feel it's ok to have lunch or dinner with an ex? If yes, you're in trouble.
11. Does fiance go out and party? How much? How late is late?
12. What friends does fiance have that you think are a bad influence?

Answer 4

Having lived with him you have your bases covered. You know the type of guy he is. What you really need to ask are questions of yourself. Do you really love him. Can you tolerate his quarks 5, 10, 25 years down the road. If he drinks every Friday night now, he'll keep doing so after you're married. Can you go into this knowing that he isn't going to change who he is just because he's married to you. If he's tight with money, can you handle him telling you not to buy things you think are necessary? If he's loose with money can you handle him pissing it away without your consent. These are the types of things that create real strife in marriages.

Answer 5

How do each of you feel about spending time with other men/women friends? For instance, if you went to lunch with a guy friend, or vice versa, or talked on the phone or email with a member of the opposite sex. Some people don't mind if the other has friends of the opposite sex, but some people think, "why do you need girl friends if you have me?"

Or what if you want to spend time alone? How much "space" do you need? Will the other get their feelings hurt, or feel smothered?

How close are each of you to your families? Would you/he mind if your in-laws were around alot, went on vacation with you? Or what if a friend, or family member was in need and asked for money, or to live with you? Or what about if a family member got sick and needed a lot of care? I know about this personally, because growing up we had several people live with us (from my mom's family when they were in need) and it repeatedly caused friction in my parents' marriage.

You both want kids - but what about how to raise them? Disciplining, spanking, buying toys and spoiling them? The worst thing you can do is contradict each other in front of the kid. What are your/his expectations when you do have kids as far as one of you staying home when they're small, or continuing to work and putting them in day care?

Are you going to share bank accounts? Putting big purchases under joint or separate names? Like a house, car, etc.

Moving - if you/he gets a job in another city, or wants to move far away for other reasons. How will this affect your job, family, etc.

Cooking/cleaning - your/his expectations of who does it and when...you probably already have this settled since you've been living together. One thing I won't stand for is someone who is dirty! But everyone is different!


Good luck!

Answer 6

I would suggest living separately before you get married.

The divorce rates jump up to 50% when couples live together before getting married!

If you live seperatly it forces you to court each other more - to sit and have coffee and talk, which is so important before (and after) you get married! Also a great reason to save sex for after your marriage as well. Sex should be the physical expression of your life-long commitment to each other that you make when you get married.

By not having sex and not living together before you get married you're able to communicate more and more about about your love for each other and your plans for the future.:)

Answer 7

You'll also want to think about the inevitable. What happens when one of you is really ill, or worse, dies? Do you have a life insurance plan, and who is the beneficiary? When you have kids, do you know who you'd want to take care of them if both of you were involved in an accident? You'll probably pick the people based on religious beliefs, morals, and dependability.

Answer 8

Have you ever been to jail, are you a felon? How do you get along with your family? If one of you were laid off how would the other one be? Supportive or jerky? What religion would you bring your child up in? Could you be a stay at home mom? Or Dad?

Answer 9

How should we decipline the kids? How many children do you want? Who will they go to if something happens to us? What do you expect from a marriage? What religion will we raise the kids? These are just a few, but should be enough to cause a few arguments! Best wishes!!!

Answer 10

Family and where to spend holidays. How do you feel about his family?

How do you plan to discipline your children?

When do you plan to retire? Do you have the same goals as far as savings?

Do you plan to vacation? Do you have an account to save for vacations?

Make a date night now and always stick to it EVEN when you have children whether it is once a week or once a month. Take time for the two of you as a couple.