Should I leave my husband because his addictions?

Question

My husaband and I have been married only a year and have gone through drug, alchohol and now porn addiction. he has been getting on the computer and looking up porn. i told him right from the beginning how bad it makes feel and he promised he wouldnt do it anymore but of course did. then i put a lock on the computer and that didnt work either because he still looked at it somehow. im all out of ideas and am fed up with getting my heart broken with every addiction especially since he dosnt even beleive he has a problem. yesterday i packed his stuff and simply said it was over and of course he begged his way back into my life and i let him, only if he looked up how to fix his problem with me on the internet. i left room for one minute to go pick up our crying baby and he somehow managed to look up two porn sites in that time. now guys say its not a problem but when it becomes a need rather than a desire, well i think there is something wrong with that.

Answer 1

sounds like a winner.............you know what you have to do im not going to be the one to say it but i can hear you thinking it

Answer 2

If your husband is addicted to drugs and alcohol, then yes - you should leave him. Why would you tolerate that behavior from someone who is unwilling to change?

What amazes me is that it's the porn (of all things) that you're most concerned about. You have a baby with this man who is doing (or has done within the past year) drugs and drinking excessively, and you're worried about porn???

I can totally understand why porn makes you feel bad; I don't know many well-adjusted women who are totally O.K. with it.

But mothering him by locking the computer or "making him promise" you anything is not going to stop the problem - whether it be alcohol, drugs, porn, or any other addiction. The addict needs to want to change for themselves. They need to recognize and accept the fact that they are powerless over their addiction. Until he reaches this point (and unfortunately some people never do), you're fighting a losing battle.

He is an addict, and you have a choice. If you are willing to accept this lifetsyle the way it is (because he may never change, even if he wants to in his heart), then stay with him. But be prepared for a life of lonliness and frustration because until he wants to get help (for himself, for the right reasons. Not because you've pressured him into it), you and your baby will always come second to his addictions. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means that he's ill and needs to get help. Unfortunately you can not MAKE him get help.

So ultimately you are powerless, too. The only power you have in this situation is deciding whether to leave or stay. My advice would be to take your baby and leave, hard as it may be. Give it a year. If he doesn't begin treatment in that time frame, I'd move on. In the meantime, you should find yourself councelling. It's mentally challenging and exhausting the live with and love an addict, and you need to keep yourself in the right frame of mind - not only for yourself, but for your baby.

Good luck, be strong, and do what you know is right. The longer you stay, the longer you tolerate this, the harder it will be to leave.

Answer 3

Put a password on the computer when it comes on. Or better yet, get rid of the computer all-together, or cut off the internet access. I know it seems like it would be punishing you as well, but if you love him, you would do whatever it takes. Then take him to a couselor that can help in this situation. If after a while it doesn't get any better, then do what is best for you and your child and find your own life. You don't have a life right now, because it is wrapped up in what he is or isn't doing. Which is usually the case when you live with an addict of any kind. Be supportive of him. good luck! :)

Answer 4

You can't CHANGE him, and don't be a martyr. He will have to hit rock-bottom before he can even admit he has a problem. Drug and Alcohol are diseases, and they consume not just the addicted one, but they bring down, you, and your children, and everyone who loves the addicted person. Porn, is just another way he deals with his insecurities.

Please admit to yourself, you've done all you can, allowing him to continue to do this to you is wrong, and unhealthy for you and your child. Don't feel guilty, this marriage did not end, due to any fault of yours. You can stay, but realize that it will be a very long road, many years, many more aches and pains, and only with God's help, can you manage to stay strong. You can pray, alot, and stay in this relationship, and risk that your husband also has the faith in God, because he is the only one that can help him, and take his addictions away. Don't let anyone, judge you, or make you believe this is any of your fault, because it is NOT!

God Bless and don't be afraid to take the steps necessary for you and your child to live a peaceful life. Fear, is our worst enemy. Good luck.

Source: Personal Experience

Answer 5

He just married you and could careless what you want him to do. He is already married and by him just not doing what you ask him not to do, otherwise just taking over. He want get any better , he'll just get worst. He has already had ever addiction he can have and if you think he going to stop you got another think coming. He is doing right now what he wants to do, you said to take care of our baby, you have a baby with him after all his crazy things he has done.
Run don't walk to a good Attorney , have him removed and get you a DIVORCE, he is a hanger on and will be hard to loose. File the papers that he not to come any where near you are your child and he will break it because he is nuts, just have him picked up if he doesn't abide and throw his sorry a** in jail, I'm sure he has already been there , so he'll be easy to put back behind those bars . Get while the getting is good, he'll end up beating the hell out of you..

Answer 6

Porn addiction is one of the worst addictions to treat; much worse than drug and alcohol. This a very serious problem, not to be minimized. The key component (as you probably know) in addictions is self-centeredness. Which is, opposite of the key component necessary in marriage, where one is support to act in the best interest of the other. Unfortunately, the more you cave into him, the worse it will be. As of today, you need to get some major backbone and follow through with your ultimatum of our marriage or porn. If you catch him once more, you need to be prepared to take the kind of action that you are threatening him with. I'm sure you're already aware that this marriage is not healthy for you and you will be dragged down with him if you don't take charge and make it better for yourself. Good luck.

Answer 7

Mind altering drugs, alcohol, porn, all are vices to get high. Sexual release chemicals included. My husband is the same way, minus the drugs, but with the alcohol.
It's made me miserable for three years, since I found out. I feel like I haven't lived a day during the last three years, I've just been in angry reactive mode, trying to find out how he's going to be sneakier this time so I don't catch him.
And he's in his mid-fifties, and I'm ten years younger.
My point is, they don't change if they are that way. I see one woman wrote that her husband has been "porn free" for four years. That guy is one in a million to have changed. Most are what you get when you sign up, and it's not always our fault that we didn't know what we were getting.

Answer 8

Since there is a child involved and he has an addictive personality, I would have him go to see a therapist. Tell him that you are seriously considering leaving him, and him telling you he will change is not going to cut it, and that you need him to be a responsible husband and father. If he can't handle that, then leave him. It's tough, but in a year of being married he has already gotten you to the brink. Do you want the rest of your life to be like that. Yes you have a child, but believe me it is much worse being a child in a home where mom and dad are wrong for each other, than having them separated. Maybe try to go to therapy yourself, see if there is anything you can do to help him.

Answer 9

Your husband has an addiction to porn. There is probably some kind of group for this in your city. If he truly wants to save his marriage, he will attend these meetings. In the mean time, disconnect the internet service if you have to. Only you can decide how much you can take before you say "enough". You don't deserve this type of disrespect. My only question on this to you would be is didn't you know about these problems before you married him? If it were me and I knew, I would have held off on the marriage until things were better. Good luck.

Answer 10

I would be more concern about his addiction to drugs and alcohol then porn. Most men and some women enjoy porn and the more you don't want him to watch it the more exciting it becomes. Remember you are not his mother, meaning you should not be trying to control what he does.

However, if you cannot come to terms with this then you should move on. Just keep in mind you will never be happy in any relationship if you do not deal with your own insecurities. Just because a man looks at porn does not mean he doesn't value you or love the woman you are. So don't take it so personally.

Answer 11

Sometimes people with addictive personalities have trouble seeing the problem, my suggestion is see if you can get him into running or a health club to start and maybe an intervention with a professional and several friends and family members, and if this doesn't work than a treatment center, altimadoms always fail and it will only make the problem worse.