how can this new stepmom "fit in" to her husbands "1st family?

Question

tony has 2 children(5+7 yrs)with his exwife who he has joint custody with and is a totally devoted dad.His children are his exwifes "life" and she is very possessive of them regarding me.Plus the fact she was not all that happy about our marrige(she allways thought he would come back to her).Since tony is such a good dad he never misses any school/sport activites the boys have so i have to deal with her on almost a daily bases.Yes i could stay home but i like to go too and see the boys and spend time with my husband.She makes it obvious she does not like me and i will never be "family" to the boys.I have asked tony to talk to her but he does not want to get involved and make waves(taking the high road for his sons)Please "exwifes" don't attack me i'm asking for your help.

Answer 1

all you can do is give it time...
be there for them in any way you can.
She is just jealous of you and needs time. Once she finds someone herself she'll get over her ex and hopefully be ok with you.

Answer 2

Well, she doesn't like you... so what !!!
Why should she really.... you are the "other" woman, right??
You will never have a good relationship or friendship with her (the ex), but you will eventually find some common ground.

Oh, and just for the record, your husband (Tony) doesn't want to get involved.... well he is directly involved and perhaps the only person that can actually help the situation along.
And you can help it along too by having those 2 boys just love you... that'll put quite the feather in your cap.

Good Luck and don't let the ex-wife intimidate you in any way and talk to your husband again about perhaps finding some common ground when it comes to his ex wife.

Answer 3

The facts are that children only accept one mother and one father and no extras. Always let Tony discipline them because they will resent you for doing it. As far as they are concerned you don't belong. If you want to tear you and Tony apart start disciplining his kids. When you start coming between him and the kids, it is bad news all around. He will side with you, but he will not like it. And it certainly will not make him love you more.

Good advice is - Be good to his kids and keep your mouth shut. Don't carry your feelings on your shoulders because they will always get hurt. Brace yourself and decide that you will not let the ex-wife or the kids offend you. Bite your bottom lip and keep your mouth shut.

This is what you get for marrying a divorced man with 2 kids. If you broke up the marriage don't expect the ex-wife to ever like you. If you had nothing to do with that, one day you just might become an acceptable person to them. Kill them with kindness.

You've made a tough life for yourself.

Answer 4

well i am in the same boat as you but she has been keeping the kids away from us now. which is very wrong cause he loves his kids very much.She started keeping them away when we announced we were getting married and we are into it almost a year now. She was jealous of us cause she wanted him to fall back on too and she made the first 3 years of our life miserable. My advice to you is to not get involved with asking your man to say something to her b/c she could try to keep the kids from him also and at the beginning my husband was very depressed and it hurts him every day that he cant see his kids. Just make it show that you don't like her either cause there is probably no way to make it better between you and his ex. If you want to talk any more about this subject just click on my pic and e-mail me. I can listen if something is bothering you and give you my advice. But I always try to stay out of him and his ex,s life cause she does nothing but trying to start $hit between us and his kids telling them lies and filling their heads with things. Good luck and I hope you find a way to stay with him. The boys will think of you as a part of their lives when they get older anyway cause in reality you are. Don't stay home show your support at the games and events and they will see you more like their mom, then they will listen to her lies and deception.

Answer 5

I am in a similar position, however there is not marriage involved. My "stepdaughter" and I grew a bond over time and now we are close friends and she confides in me often and trusts me etc...my advice is, if the ex isn't going to 'play nice' ...then don't even bother with her. I'd just focus on the kids and try to build your own special bond with them so they can view you as they wish. They'll grow up knowing your a good person and that you're their friend etc.. The only thing you have to watch out for is the mother/ex bad-mouthing you...and that is something that your husband will have to deal with. Good luck, I can understand your frusteration..

Answer 6

ok I'm an ex... I couldn't wait for my ex to get married again so he would stop bothering me.
I would ignore her comments and let it go. the kids will know you for who you . Just be you and love the guy and the kids for who they are. ... You are already family to the boys, she's just having a hard time dealing.

Answer 7

Your husband has to support both you and his sons. He says he does not want to "get involved"??? Is he kidding? He is totally, completely, unavoidably involved whether he likes it or not. He needs to set the tone for the times you see the kids, showing complete support for you and EXPECTING that his sons treat you like family.

Answer 8

WELL, JUST TALK TO HER......BUT THE ONE THING YOU DONT WANT TO DO IS APOLOGIZE THAT HE IS WITH YOU AND NOT HER........THAT WILL MAKE IT WORSE
JUST ASK IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO GO OUT TO EAT AND WATCH A MOVIE.......AND BRING ALONG THE BOYS AS WELL.........AND ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO BABYSIT THE BOYS SO YOU CAN SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH THEM

Answer 9

so she doesn't like you....she doesn't have to. There is nothing your husband should be saying to her about it.

You stay courteous but distant to her, and respect when you are in the presence of the children when both of them are there, you just stay in the background and let them parent.