The sex in my marriage is not alot, I'm not much of a physical person (I have a form of Autstim/heart failure). My husband SAYS its not a big deal. We only make love 2-3 times a mo. But last night he was going off on me on how he does not beleive I'm attracted to him because i am not physical and he was venting alot about the subject!!. My husband use to be roantic and have music playing and light candles but he said its pointless to do that because he knows me and it does not mean it will lead to making love, so he just stopped being romantic all together. I asked my husband if he would still marry me if we met and the sex was as it is now, and he said soley based on the sex alone he does not know if he would ask me to marry him. This breaks my heart so much. And now by his reply I feel he was never IN LOVE with me to begin with. I'm unsure now if he loves me at all. When he said he does not know soley based on the sex if he would marry me again does this mean he does not love me?
2007-06-19 07:59:00 · 30 answers · asked by ilih2006 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband and I actually went through a similar situation (although he was not that "cruel" to me when we talked about it). I was sexually abused as a child and have some "issues" with certain things because of it... and my husband understand that. Because of his understanding I have been able (through time) to open up to him more and allow myself to ENJOY sex.
I also talked to my therapist about it and here is what SHE said. Men and women show thier LOVE in COMPLETELY differant ways. Woman are run more by thier minds and emotions, men are more physical! We like to show our LOVE for our husbands by doing nice things for them.... taking care of the house, buying presents, giving back rubs, cooking dinner, etc. Men like to show thier emotions through sex.
So YES, sex IS a BIG DEAL and a HUGE ISSUE when it comes to marriage! Thats one of the ONLY ways that your husband really know "how" to show you how much he loves you! And if he isnt feeling "satisfied" then you HAVE to step it up NOW before its too late!
I KNOW that it doesnt seem fair.. but unfortunately that is just how things work sometimes! Put you OWN feelings on hold for a while and let him KNOW that you are still in love with him... help him FEEL that you are still sexually attracted to him and BLOW HIS MIND!!! Not only will your husband be more sexually satisfied but you will probably find that he is a LOT nicer, thoughtful and just loving in general once he feels like YOU still care!
I know that when my husband starts getting really "pissy" and aggrivated by every little thing that he's probably sexually frustrated. Because we have 3 kids and both of us are SO tired at the end of a long day... weeks can go by before we even "remember" to have sex (at least for me.. I'm sure he thinks about it quite often). And he NEVER says anything about it, never makes me feel bad or guilty about it.. I can just tell how he is feeling.
Its usually at that time that I try and get myself in the mood and do something VERY nice for him (in bed). And then, after just thinking about HIM for just ONE night... he is usually SO much nicer and is just a LOT more fun to be around!! Its SO worth it to me even if I am NOT in the mood! (However, my hubby is an amazing lover and usually puts MY needs before his own.. so even if I'm not in the "mood" to begin w/ he has a way of getting me in the mood!)
Just drop ALL of the negative feelings and worries and "get down to business!" Go to an adult store TOMORROW... pick up some games, some toys, some lingerie, a book on Karma Sutra, some oils and lotions... the WHOLE "kit n kaboodle!" Then SURPRISE HIM either Friday or Saturday night of THIS WEEK! Send the kids to a friends for a night, make a nice romantic dinner, light some candles and have all the stuff you bought (minus the outfit you will be WEARING under your clothes) on the bed. Then have an AMAZING night of lovemaking and really CONNECTING again!
I PROMISE after you do THAT for your hubby (even this ONE time) he will change his tune. Not only will he be happy that YOU initiated the sex and got all the "goodies" but he will feel like you REALLY tried... BECAUSE you MUST really LOVE him!! Thats all he needs from you... to KNOW!!
Good luck and I really hope you have fun this weekend!! :)
2007-06-19 08:15:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He said he wasn't sure if he'd marry you again based on the sex alone, so I wouldn't take that to mean he doesn't love you. But sex is an important part of a relationship. It's how you express your attraction and love for the other person. Also, it's fun and it puts energy and spark into a relationship.
Your question seems to focus all on your feelings. What have you done to reassure your husband that you are attracted to him? Is it always all about you?
Have you explored why you don't like sex? I'm not sure I really understand your autism / heart failure reason, esp. since it's spelled wrong.
If you love him, I'd go to counseling to work through this because yes, physical intimacy is a big deal in a marriage!
2007-06-19 15:12:23 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I dont believe sex is everything, but I do think it plays a good part. It is a way of expressing the love you have for each other in ways you do with NO ONE else. Its the feel of their hand on your naked skin, the way they look at you in the moment, the way they kiss you softly, and the way the I love you sounds the way it doesnt any other time. It isnt that it all about the parts, for many its the feelings that you have during it. Rather its done in fun, rough, romantic whatever turns that couple on. Either way you get a message from your partner in ways you dont in everyday. Obviously he feels this way, or he wouldnt have tried with candles and stuff in the past. So do I think sex should be everything.... No, but it should be going on. I think a healthy sex life on average should be 3-4 times a week, some of those might be quickies, yes, but still intoment times. A nice bonding sex I think should happen 3x a month. I am preaching this because I have sex with my hubby like this all the time. Even times I dont want it, He finds ways to turn me on, and I dont reject because I care about his needs, as he does mine. I know people will say I am nuts, but I think that is how much it should be going on. I understand there is couples that cant due to work scheduales, thats fine, but if you can do it!! I think in your case you could do it 2x's a week, and you have already improved your score from 3 a month to 8! Try it. It will make you both happy.
2007-06-19 15:16:16 · answer #3 · answered by How can I help? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, God designed sex as a way for a man and wife to bond. There is something that connects when to people share such intimacies. That is why sex outside of marriage is such a big sin. It's also why it hurts so much when someone gets cheated on by their spouse. Your sex belongs to him, he needs it. He absolutely must have it to stay connected to you and express his love. Now he may really love you, but without that deep connection, it will be gin to die off and what may keep him there is "duty". You don't want a husband who's only with you out of obligation, do you? However, on the flip side, if you are sick and can not have sex (not that you do not want to but you can NOT) then he has to understand this. He married you in "sickness and in health". Also there are plenty of ways to keep the intimacy without the hard physical demands of intercourse. You can still do the music, candles, etc. Give him sensual massages, dress sexy for him, give him hand and blow jobs to get him off. That may hold him over in-between the times when you give him all of your body. Don't loose your marriage over this. Compromise, because soon you'll be on here asking "Do you think my husband is cheating?". You don't want that, it's his rightful due to expect you to make love to him. Give him what you can and he should understand and appreciate that since you are sick. Good luck.
2007-06-19 15:12:47 · answer #4 · answered by Brandy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sex is a big deal in a marriage as it's a way for healthy loving adults to express their intimacy in a physical way. It involves trust, caring, fun, and selflessness. It's a way of making each other feel supremely special, and this is true for men AND women. Just because they don't outright say it, many men value the physical closeness of sex just as much as women.
It sounds to me like your husband is frustrated, probably feeling neglected and lonely. You say he used to be romatic with music and candles. Well, first of all - variety is the spice of life. You can't do the same thing over and over and over again; it gets played out. Second, why should he continue with the romance when he feels shut out? If he senses you're just "going through the motions" with him, he's bound to dread approaching you at all, much less with music and candles.
Second - maybe YOU should try your turn at romancing HIM. Guys like to be appreciated too, and they especially like it when women initiate physical intimacy. It shows him you love him, you appreciate him, you find him attractive. Just because he is a man doesn't mean he doesn't have the same feelings and need for validation as you do, nor is it his "job" to initiate sex.
Without a healthy sex life, you two are simply good friends who share a house. Is that really what you want in a marriage? I understand you have physical ailments that make sex more of a challenge than it would be if you were completely healthy, but you can (and should) talk to your doctor about ways of dealing with the issue.
Don't shut your husband out. He clearly loves you, or he wouldn't be bringing the issue up to you. If he didn't love you, he'd simply find what he's looking for somewhere else. He cares about you deeply; it's your turn to SHOW him the same in return.
2007-06-19 15:18:15 · answer #5 · answered by Courtney 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, that's not what it means. It may mean that he didn't realize what marriage really meant when he asked you like he does now. Instead of using the pain he caused you to make him feel worse, which all of us women are good at doing, take what he's said to you and learn from it. He loves you but he NEEDS sexual confirmation from you that you love him. He needs to have that expression. Talk to your doctor about things you can do to increase your libido. I heard that there is a salve that your gynecologist can give you that really does the trick! And, though you may not feel sexual, there are things you can do for him when he does feel in the mood. You can give him what he needs and you never know... maybe performing something sexual on him may get you in the mood. But overall, you want to fix this before he turns to someone else. Just keep in mind that he does love you, he's just been trying to live without some basic human need that he can't do without. It's not his fault that he's a sexual person and you're not. He is what he is just like you are what you are. And he's been trying his hardest to compromise and live without the sex. Depending on how long you've been married he might deserve a smack on the back for that one.
2007-06-19 15:08:05 · answer #6 · answered by Phaylynn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A healthy sex life in a marriage is an important thing. It doesn't have to be everything though. Being intimate is holding hands...snuggling on the couch...having a nice dinner together. The physical aspect of an intimate relationship can be fixed. It sounds like the issues are yours (in your mind) There are great counselors out there. I would reccomend finding one. Also Marriage retreats are a good avenue. Sex doesn't make the marriage. It combines with other issues and becomes bigger than it should be...it's the easy excuse to avoid facing all the other problems. Talk it out...get help if you can. If it's worth saving your marriage...then it's worth it.
Good Luck
2007-06-19 15:11:28 · answer #7 · answered by Hopper 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It does not mean that he doesn't love you. It just means that if he would've known that the sex would be close to nonexistent, he wouldn't have gotten into this situation. Which is really messed up when u think about. sex is important in a marriage but it isn't everything. If he wants you for you then he should be able to deal with the fact that you just aren't that into sex. And if he can't deal with that, then he should've found this out BEFORE you all got married. But if he really does want to be with you then his love for you should overcome the issue. And about his comment he was probably just sexually frustrated at the time. I would be too if I was in this situation...
2007-06-19 15:06:48 · answer #8 · answered by jacarig 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to answer your question without knowing your ages and how long you've been married. He could be going through the 'itch', and in this case, most likely feels he has valid ground for seeking sexual favors elsewhere. I don't know much about the physical condition you have, but maybe you should discuss this with your doctor.
Even though the love-making is sparse, do the two of you still cuddle? Do you still kiss him when he comes home; compliment him? Give him a foot massage? There's lots of ways to express our love through physical contact other than sex. Men don't like to say good-bye to their sex lives, especially when they have buddies who are always talking about how they're getting 'it'.
Why don't YOU put on the music and light the candles? Put on some lingerie and dance for him, encourage him to 'please himself' while watching you? There are many aspects of 'love making'. Good luck.
2007-06-19 15:09:20 · answer #9 · answered by bfwh218 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sex is a big part of keeping your relationship in tune it's kinda like a tune up on your car you have to do it. You need to find a way to fall in love again. I think you can love someone and not be in love with them. I recommend counsiling because if you wait too long he may find pleasures in other ways. Like television or magazines or maybe another person. This will only get worse if you don't seek professional help.
Wishing you well
2007-06-19 15:06:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋