Sorry, gotta ask again - please help me!!!?

Question

Sorry I posted this before but people barely answered.

I'm so torn and I have no idea what to do. My live in boyfriend who I love and adore has done something really stupid. When I was visiting home with my parents, my bf, my mother, brother's gf, my mom, and I were all sitting down having a conversation. My brother's gf said something to upset my bf (which it really shouldn't have) and he blew up. He was just screaming and yelling at everyone. He told all of us "F you" and other obsenities. It got to the point he was screaming at my mom and threw him out of the house.
My dad got home and took him to talk with him. My mom says I should leave him because she thinks i'm not safe to be alone with him. My dad says after their talk to give him a chance. What the hell do I do??? I'm soooo torn. I feel a duty to my family that if he disrespected them like that, he doesn't deserve to be with me. Yet, I wanna marry this kid.

Btw- he's had an outburst at my parent's house once before.

Answer 1

Sit down and see if he doesn't feel sorry about the blow ups. If he does, have him apologize to your family. If he doesn't see why it was wrong to blow up at them (not that we aren't allowed to get mad every so often, but we don't need to yell and scream) then it might be a good sign to send him on his way.

Even if you love him, if he acts irrational and gets heated like this a lot, it's not a healthy relationship for you.

Answer 2

Ever heard the term "Red Flags". These are signs that people give off that should evoke some kind of feeling of caution. You know your BF the best so think about what he's like when you have to confront him about things or how he handles stress. I would agree that his behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful. Having done this before does establish a patterned which makes me think he doesn't handle stress or anger very well. If this is the case then you should give this some deep thought as to whether you should really be with him. Before making a long term commitment to anyone make sure those red flags aren't trying to tell you that your dealing with a controlling personality that will eventually lead you down a path you don't want to go. Often times when a person had trouble with anger there are also control issues. These can worsen over time. Again you know him best so think about what he's like all the time. People do make mistakes but they should also be willing to make amends to everyone who's affected when they do.

Answer 3

Do NOT marry this man until you know exactly what is going on with him. I hate to tell you, but the best indicator of the future when it comes to relationships is the past. The past now shows that he is likely to blow up over something stupid and act in a violent and immature manner. Things like this have a tendency to get much worse before they get better. Was it a one-time thing? What caused it? Why did it happen? You need to KNOW the answers to these questions. Honestly, I think you should dump him and find a better guy. BUT... I understand how love can be. If you really want to make this work, insist on getting couples' counseling and discussing this. Do that for six months before you even THINK about the possibility of marrying this guy. If he won't go or doesn't last, you'll know how much he really loves you. Then it is time to move on. Don't get saddled with a potentially abusive husband. You deserve better.

Answer 4

If you have seen this kind of violent outburst at least twice I would definitely say that you may need to proceed with very open eyes and not rush into a marriage just yet. Anger management problems usually get worse without treatment instead of better and smaller things could set him off more easily as time goes by. If your boyfriend is willing to talk to a therapist or counsellor regarding this problem maybe that would be a good direction to proceed and see that a professional says about his anger/violent tendencies. You are right to be hesitant that he would be so quick to flip out like that especially in front of your parents (most people with even a modicum of control would have waited until you two were alone at least). You don't really say if he's had these outbursts at other times, but like I said anger management and violence only get worse over time if not treated, they don't usually improve. Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 5

Well usually fathers are more protective of their daughters so I would give him another chance but I would also have a serious talk with him about his outbursts and what is causing them. Does your bf have a lot on his mind/stress? I would also seek out some sort of anger management for him and counseling you both could do together so he sees your supportive of him and not just taking your parents side. I wouldn't marry him if it kept up and he is unwilling to discuss it or get some extra help in seeking the reason behind his blow ups. Is he ever like this anywhere else when your out? Is he like this alone with you? You need to seriously ask yourself those questions before you marry him, he is probably just having some sort of issues that may just be manifesting themselves when something is said that sets him off....hopefully he will open up to you and learn to control his moods.

Answer 6

Your boyfriend has an obvious anger management problem. He needs to learn to disagree with someone else without losing his temper and name-calling. He needs to learn to debate an issue or opinion without an emotional outburst. This is your boyfriend's issue and he needs to do something about it before he can expect to have a healthy relationship with anyone - as a boyfriend, as a friend, as an in-law. You have already witnessed two outbursts, at least, and there will be more unless he gets some counseling. I would recommend spiritual counseling. He would learn the source of his anger and bitterness. He would learn to acknowledge his lack of control and he would then learn how to lose or control his anger.

After that, your boyfriend needs to make an honest, sincere apology to your family about his attack on them. If they owe him an apology, this would also be a good time for them to give him one.

If he cannot do any of this, he is telling you that holding on to his anger is more important to him than any relationship that he has or will have with you.

By the way, if he has these outbursts regularly with you, he may be an abuser. Look carefully at how this man treats you and honestly ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.

Answer 7

People hardly responded probably because this is only a question for yourself to answer. How long have you been together? If this is not the first outburst I can understand your mother's concern. You said you want to marry him are you o.k. with continuing to live wondering when he will go berzerk again? Can he join a program to help him deal with his anger? There are many things you should consider but consider this if this is not the first time it won't be the last.

Answer 8

I am sorry for being so blunt...but anyone who swore at my Mother would have their *** kicked to the curb before they shut their mouth. That he has done this before is definitely a serious warning sign of anger management issues. If you are determined to marry this 'kid' (your description) then you need to realize that he is not mature enough to deal with the stresses which come with being a family. It isn't all love and kisses, but how you deal with the downs determines how the ups will be. Unless he successfully gets help for this temper, you need to move on. Nothing to do with disrespecting your Mother (at the very core issue at least) his temper is volatile to the point of bordering on violent.

Answer 9

Have you ever had an argument? How did he act then? I would just be worried about how he would treat you in a disagreement, like maybe he has a tendency or the potential to beat you. It could also be that he just doesn't value family, so you need to let him understand that family is important to you and that is unacceptable. Did your dad tell you how the talk went? And PLEASE, do not marry him any time soon. If you stay with him, you need to give this some time.

Answer 10

Sounds like he has anger issues. Make sure they're addressed BEFORE you start making wedding plans. Try counseling. If he isn't willing, you really should break up. It'll only get worse. Most men that abuse women at least don't act psycho in front of other people. Your bf blew up in front of everyone. He has no self-control and that's a dangerous thing. Good luck.