I have a friend of mine who has been accussed of being gay for a while. We have known eachother since the beginning of highschool and still hang. One time he took me to another gay guys house (friend of his) and they were arguing. Than his friend asked him if he was top or bottom... he looked at me, lowered his head and answered. I have no problem with Gays and Lesbians. I love the Gay Village in Toronto and the Pride Parade. I fight for my Gay and Lesbian friends. This was 4 months ago and now he won't say anything about it or won't even tell me he is gay. When some one brings up the topic he looks moody and get quiet. I thought we were good friends? why won't he tell me? why didn't he tell me if everyone in the room already knew? I am throwing out hints that I won't judge and I am cool with it. I feel so hurt... I would do anything for him to ease the discomfort... HELP
2007-06-19 04:21:51 · 13 answers · asked by aleasha_Sam01 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Coming out, for many people, is a difficult and emotionally charged process. It doesn't happen in a day. You can't blame yourself, or your friend, or disparage your friendship, because this is a difficult and painful process. That's caused by the alrger social context of hatred and discrimination against gays (notice that you say he has been "accused of being gay"--as if being gay were a crime!--I don' t think you think it is but this is the social context).
It sounds like his other friend "outed" him to you in an embarrasing way, in the heat of an argument. Since then, he has felt more uncomfortable and awkward about the coming out issue around you. This will pass in time.
Don't rush things. Give him time, and he will tell you in his own way.
2007-06-19 04:27:42 · answer #1 · answered by snowbaal 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Actually, it sounds like the problem is with you and not your friend, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question-- is that so?
First of all, you say you have no problem with gays and lesbians, but then you said your friend is "accused" of being gay. You also wonder why your friend won't tell you he's gay sounds but if you're using "gay" and "accused" in the same sentence, I have to wonder if you're communicating in some way that there is something wrong with being gay. There is nothing to be "accused" of. There is nothing wrong or criminal about being gay.
If he's open to his friends but not to you, sounds like you're outnumbered in the good friend department. Try a more open approach. If you can't be more open that I'd recommend not wasting anymore time wondering about him and spend it getting to know yourself.
I truth, sexuality is like left-handedness. As an experiment in "bi-handedness", try writing with your left for a few days and then tell me if God made you and meant you to be. Consider not too long ago society and religions also condemned and abused left-handed people for the same kind of so-called evil they now see in gays and lesbians. Kind of crazy and hard to believe, huh? But it's true. Many people say they are accepting of gays and lesbians out of good social manners, but I see it as being selfish because it's more out of concerned of how they are pereceived and less about how gays and lesbians are perceived. Bad news for the homophobes-- if you are not 100% hetero or 100% ****, you are considered normal and a regular ordinary person. Life is dull in that way but it's worth considering if the variety actually is beneficial to keeping life going somehow.
Do the work. If you secretly hate or dislike gays, just say so and be honest. It's a lot better to be an ex-closet homophobe, than closeted homophobe. You don't have to tell him, but you can go tell it another friend, a blank wall or in a confession booth. However you get it out is fine. But if you admit it, it's a positive step in dealing with the problem.
One thing I've learned--If I sense that anyone is not comfortable with who I am and how God made me, and if I consider them a friend at the time, soon enough I will find out who my real friends are gravitate towards them. I wonder if that's exactly what's going on with your friend.
But in the meantime, hopefully you'll find a (healthy) way to do so that changes both of your lives for the better and for the happier. When he starts looking up and smiles, you'll find yourself doing the same.
Hope this helps and good luck.
2007-06-19 17:56:59 · answer #2 · answered by R. Trout 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't out someone. Let them do it when they are ready. But in your case, it seems to me there really isn't anything much for this guy to come out of. What he's done is come out "naturally" just like how homosexuals have always done in the past eras - they did not say it out loud or announce it, as it was just understood and they continued on living. So I think in many ways, he has done so already. Just continue being his friend.
2007-06-19 11:34:26 · answer #3 · answered by naturalissexy 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not really sure but I think that if you have to hide your real self for a very long time - that you sort of start to develop a real talent for hiding.
Like doors that get dusted and difficult , the longer they are not used.
If one day he opens, it might come with a lot of schrieking...
2007-06-19 13:47:32 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's obviously having trouble with accepting it himself then. Although if he knows his "position" it seems like he has already had experience in the area. Just wait for him to tell you whenever he feels comfortable.
Either that or he may really NOT be gay.. Just wait and see.
2007-06-19 11:25:02 · answer #5 · answered by Mystery Lady H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He will when he is ready if he is gay. Do not push the issue. Let him know you are comfortable with gay people and introduce him to some gay people. Just do not push him.
2007-06-19 11:41:27 · answer #6 · answered by flpanther32 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, he is still grappling with it himself. If he feels uncomfortable about discussing it, don't discuss these issues as yet. Wait for him to come to terms with it, and he will realize the value of your support all this while.
2007-06-19 11:28:16 · answer #7 · answered by Gaymes Last Orchestra 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he knows that you know and he feels like you don't need and explanation who can say why people do the things they do. It don't sound like he has yet to deny it
good luck
2007-06-19 13:17:48 · answer #8 · answered by kay b 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He isn't ready to come out to you or anyone else yet except for people he knows are gay.
Give him time (as much as he needs), it is a difficult thing to do.
2007-06-19 11:26:09 · answer #9 · answered by nycguy10002 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well just kool down about it. He doesn't have to tell you remember that. But maybe you could introduce him to some kool gay ppl lol and let me get confortable with it. lol
2007-06-19 11:33:48 · answer #10 · answered by Puppet9481 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋