mutually physical and emotional abuse?

Question

How common is abuse in a marriage? How forgivable is it for a wife to be overly jealous of her husband's ex-wife and accusing him of having more respect for her?(the ex) How forgivable is it for a man to strike his 8 month pregnant wife giving her a black eye during an intense argument? What does it mean when a man raises his fist to his wife when she angers him? When the husband appologizes, wife accuses husband of never treating first wife that way. This results in an endless cycle of jealousy, insecurity, and self hatred for the wife (she constantly compares herself to first wife). For the husband, he is always frustrated and tired of reassuring his wife that he loves her--he flies into a rage and sometimes hits her and shoves her and calls her stupid. Then there are the "sorries" and the "I love you's" , but the same old thing happens again when the ex comes back into the picture. Is this marriage doomed? And can you really be happily married for a second time?

First wife left him for another man after he(husband)was almost killed in bad accident. He was devistated.

Answer 1

When you are alone and you think of leaving your husband, what do you feel inside? What goes through your mind? Have you even thought of leaving him? What is keeping you in this marriage? What does this mutual abuse fufill in you? What attracts you to the type of man that you are with now? Do you know where the roots of your insecurities lie & took hold and sprang into life? Do you have a good relationship with your father, or any realtionship with him? Do you feel that you deserve to be hit, or that it is your fault? Why are you so obsessed with his ex? Where does this fear come from? I am not a shrink, I just feel that you need to really get to the root of your problems, which were probably there before you got married. One thing is for sure, your husband should never lay a hand on you, and no matter how many times he tells you he loves you (which is probably true) he will not stop hitting you. Your life is in danger. He needs help. and you need help.but there is no reason to waste your precious life trying to fix something like this with him. Of course people can be happily married a second time, but that is not the issue. You have to love yourself enough to take control of your life, and leave this man. Get into therapy and work on your issues. You are worth it, but you have to believe in that because if you do not you will always be attracted to men who treat you in a manner that you are unworthy of. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Do not waste it on someone who hurts you. It is not your job to fix him, and you can not make him happy. that is something he has to do for himself. Just as you have to do the same for yourself. Do not settle for this, you can have so much more for yourself. I hope you will think about what everyone has said here to you. Life is short, do not waste it. You can really do anything you want to, and getting some help would be the first step in the right direction. Best wishes to you.

Answer 2

Wow this is really sad. A man should never raise his hand to a women in any case. However, when you add in the eight months pregnant it is even worse. This wife should get out of the relationship. I believe that abuse whether it be emotional or physical is common in marriages. However, it is by no means acceptable. I lived seven years of what your describing. When a man constantly beats you down emotionally you start to believe all the horrible things he is saying to you. I was called whore, s**t, fat cow, you name it that was me. I started to think that no one wanted me. That I was ugly and could never be happy. I think they want you to think this so you will not leave. Because you "think" no one else will have you. The ex wife factor is a little harder. My boyfriends ex wife drives me nuts but I know they are splitsville for a reason. If they were happily married you would not be in the picture. There are not enough I love yous in the world to make up for a man putting his hands on a pregnant women. Leave before he really hurts the woman or the baby. And yes I think you can be happily married the second go round.

Answer 3

Well obviously, this is abuse from the husband and the wife isn't helping by throwing in his face the comparison game. And rest assured, she is probably right. The ex probably left him and he didnt want it and the constant reminder of this from current wife is the equivalent of being stabbed in the chest. Does it make it right for him to be abusive? No. But its not OK for the wife to be constantly jumping on his back comparing relationships either. Bottom line, the hubby needs counselling with anger management. Safe to say he loves the current wife, but there are deep wounds from the past one. Oh and the wife gets to go to councelling to for she needs to see what she is doing as well.

As for the first question: How common is abuse in marriage? Look around, or read up, its sickly common. From the most simple as disrespect over an opinion to flat out physical abuse. For those that arent in one or dont see it, congrats but from what I experience daily, its very common.

Domestic abuse calls for police are daily, almost hourly, that should explain a lot right there.

Can you be happily married a second time OOOOHHH YES!
will there be baggage from the first? Of course. Can it be worked out? If communication is clear and loving, yes. But even so, if the scars are deep, outside people to talk to may be required if depression is obvious or in this case, abuse.

Answer 4

There is never an excuse for physical abuse. No matter what she says in a heated argument. Everyone says things they wish they could take back. What if the physical abuse does harm to the unborn baby. Or what if after the baby is born he cannot control his anger, and hits the baby.
Now I understand that she is making excuses for her husbands behavior, that is what abused woman do. But if he made her feel special, she would have self-esteem and wouldn't be constantly comparing herself to the ex. And the vicious cycle would end. The problem does not start with her, it starts with him.
Please, call for help, before its to late.

Answer 5

Someone carried baggage into the second marriage, but both have issues.
A wife would be wise not to compare herself with an ex.
She would also be wise not to provoke anger.
He would be wise to stop handling his emotions that way.
Why did the first marriage end? Was he abusive in that one?
Sounds like both have deep rooted problems, a minister you both can agree on and trust would be the way to go for counseling, because a marriage like that needs some.
A marriage is never doomed unless one party decides that it's over.
Can you be happy? Yes, but remember marriage is a four letter word spelled WORK.

Answer 6

There is too much heart ache here. You two are destroying each other in your desperate attempt to get love. And you're soon adding a baby to this picture. There are no easy answers here. Neither of you have dealt with your past and all the issues that come with that.
Decide now that this self-destructive cycle is going to end. You both are going to get help so the baby can have a peacful loving secure home.
Talk to a Pastor or counsleor. But please do it quickly. You deserve happiness and right now you are destroying your very chance for getting it. He married you, didn't he? Don't throw that away.
Blessings,

Answer 7

You can be happily married the 2nd time. BUT you obviously didnt do the right steps. But for now in the situation that your in you NEED, HAVE TO HAVE CONCELING!!! There is to much abuse going on. NO MAN should ever but their hand on you I dont care how mad you make them, thats why there is a door, walk away and cool down! On your note, you have no right throwing is ex in his face. You knew of her befroe marriage, you knew she was part of his package and past. You shouldve let that go then. But since you cant you need to get professional help to overcome your jealousy. You are what might be driving him to her, or gonna drive him out the door. You really need to cool it exspecially with a child coming into the picture. I feel for the child to be coming into a verbally and physically abusive household. And for what? To say you as the adult have the upper hand over your partner or visa versa? Please get help, or seperate till you can work things out, for everyones sake.
P.S. If this was about a friend, Then take it in that context, but I think we are talking about you.

Answer 8

There is no excuse for abuse.
No amount of rage should even warrent someone threatening abuse.

She may have jealousy issues, but it sounds like he has some MAJOR anger management issues.

I do believe this couple should be separated.


Of course, I think that once a man hits - any girl should leave.
People deserve so much better in life. Not abuse.

Answer 9

If there has been physical or mental abuse, especially if it has happend over and over, it is time to seperate. She needs to end this toxic relationship for herself and her kids. In addition, she need to seek counsoling for herself since she admitted to being abusive too. She may not take it out on her children today, but one day she will unless you deal with her abusive issues. Her children are precious, and they deserve to have a mother that will not fly into a rage, beat them, and belittle them. She will need to do something before she will regret.

If there is violence and verbal abuse, yes this marriage is doomed. Yes, she can be happily married for the first time... Because she cannot count this one as being happily married.

Answer 10

Run do not walk. It is never acceptable for anyone to hit another person. This is a dangerous mix and now that there is a child that will be involved, it will only get worse.

You can be happy in a marriage but there needs to be mutual respect, love and friendship. I did not hear any of that in your story. Love does not hurt.