is it healthy for a marriage to have a degree of privacy?

Question

my wife thinks that we should have some private things to ourselves. she has recently made a lot of friends on my space she claims it to be perfectly innocent and i believe her but some of the chain letters and the flirting that goes on with some of her guy friends makes me a little jealous. i asked her to keep it clean and she does most guys that flirt with her get an earfull...shes quite the firecracker. but it still makes me jealous that other men talk to her in this way. i dont want to be a controlling asshole but at the same time i dont want to be made a chump. so she thought it a good idea to not allow me to have the passwords to her my space account and has taken my access to her e mail too. i love my wife and i meant my vows when we got married. but it really disheartens me that she feels we cant share everything. she is a very stubborn woman and will not change her mind. i just am beginning to wonder if i should just get rid of the computer altogether.

its putting an incredible strain on our marriage the amount of time she spends with her my space friends over me.

Answer 1

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If she is not doing anything wrong, she should give you complete access. She should also not be neglecting you for the computer! Talk to her, ask her how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Good luck.

Answer 2

You sound like a decent guy, and a reasonable one, and so does your wife, so this is a tough question!
I'm a stubborn woman also. The innocent usually are. They KNOW they are not doing anything wrong, so they are insulted by the inquisition. I'm a chatter.
First, don't toss the computer. A hard-headed woman will just go out and buy a laptop and take it everywhere with her, and you'll be starting a war. It sounds as if there's a little war going on already, with that password business. So let her have her way for awhile, then if she continues to be on the computer for too many hours, sit down and say that you need a compromise, that she spend X amount of time on the computer and then that's it...each day, tell her to use a timer if she needs to remember, but don't YOU use a timer on her or you will really piss her off. If she's innocent, she'll give you back her passwords in time.
If she goes over the limit that you have agreed to, don't say a thing. She will realize that she broke her promise and she will try to do better. If she continually breaks the agreement, then you do have an addict on your hands, and you will need to give her gentle reminders everyday of her limit or that certain hours are family time.
I chat, and it's mostly amusement, and there really is such a thing as harmless flirting--it's a battle of wits, and that's ALL it is.
If a guy starts coming on too strong I stop talking to them or insult them. They know I'm married. Smarmy skanky guys hit on married women.
The internet is sometimes just another method of having friends. Unfortunately, that's not always the case.
I hope you're not a porn "user" or you are being a total hypocrite. If you are a porn user, that could be her starting point to feeling that she can do anything she wants online too.

Just don't let this escalate any further...she is being stubborn and she obviously doesn't mind a war over the password thing, so yes, she's a firecracker alright.
The questioning you have about what's going on online can usually be answered without even looking at the computer. If she has secrets on her phone or other secrets, then you know to investigate further. But I have a feeling she is just asserting herself. Only you know from your instincts whether I am right on that.

Answer 3

When you got married, did you vow to share everything with one another and never have another private thought/conversation with another living soul? Thought not. Do you share all of your private conversations you have with friends with her? Probably not. Why should she do that for you?

There's nothing wrong with privacy when you're married. My fiance has no access to my Myspace or e-mail, but when he asks questions I'll show him my friends or emails. It's called Trust. You've stated quite clearly that she's telling the men who flirt with her she's a happily married woman. So what's the problem? You can't control what people say to her, just as she can't control what people say to you. The flirting probably gives her an emotional boost she's obviously not getting from you. If she was, she wouldn't be going online.

Don't listen to the people on here who say Myspace kills marriages. A computer can't kill something that's strong and vows that are unbreakable. There's a problem in your relationship outside the computer that the two of you need to work on. The computer isn't the issue, it's just the outlet.

Answer 4

The computer isn't your main problem - respect is. She may be having herself a good time, but if this is bothering you so much, that ought to be a priority for her. Sites like myspace are for meeting people, but there are a lot of areas to explore there as well, such as music. What would happen if the computer were to disappear - would she use a friend's computer or start visiting the library? Then she wouldn't be home. On the other hand, if you really trust her, you need to deal with your jealousy. What are you afraid of? Look, I understand where you're at. I've been through it with my husband. He goes on sites and starts chatting with others and although I sometimes wish he wouldn't, I know where he is at night. I trust him not to cross certain boundaries. If he crosses those boundaries, he pays the consequences. It the strain on the marriage isn't important to her, counseling may be needed. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Dude...

She's changed her password and blocked you from being able to access her account. This is NOT the sign of a trusting spouse.

It's one thing to have her own friends on myspace or whatever, but if it was really as innocent as you think it was, then she would say to you, "Here, read what I wrote to X" or "You have got to see this funny joke that Z sent me today."

My wife and I have friends we talk to via e-mails and myspace and yahoo groups and whatnot. However, we allow each other access to what is going on in our lives. This is what married people do.

If she's keeping this secret from you then that means she's got something to hide. You would so NOT be a controlling asshole if you were to tell her to knock it off.

These guys may be her friends but you are her HUSBAND. That card trumps all; wild cards be damned. You tell her to knock it off with these guys or you're gonna hurl the computer right out the window.

Answer 6

She is absolutely neglecting your marriage. You need to protect your marriage and she is endangering it.

It sounds like to me that my.space needs to go, she is clearly addicted and playing dangerous games. And, as far as privacy, that's BS, if she's got something to hide, questionable behavior is taking place.

You can't just make her stop, she'll find somewhere to get on. You need to take care of yourself, let her know that you do not approve of her computer related behavior, how it makes you feel, how it is undermining trust and openness, how her stubbornness makes you feel unimportant to her and that you want to be able to trust her but it is completely unsafe to trust her under these conditions. And furthermore, flirting by a married person is totally unacceptable (other than with a spouse).

To answer your question, NO, a degree of privacy within a marriage is NOT OK. It destroys intimacy, intimacy being complete openness to the most personal and important relationship that either of you have.

As long as she is disabling intimacy you have every reason to protect your own heart. Let her know that intimacy cannot happen between you until she allows it. If she decides that my.space is more important than you, then you have a bigger problem than can be dealt with on here, you need a counselor.

Answer 7

She obviously has something to hide if you cant have her passwords. Your marriage is in trouble and you need to face that. The computer has broken up a lot of marriages. It is still cheating, I mean, what if those guys were right there in front of her saying that? You need to tell her to pick, you or the computer and see what her answer is. If she had nothing to hide then there would be no problem with you being able to check her email and her myspace.

Answer 8

Maybe you should start going out with your friends more while she's on my space. She may eventually wonder what your up to going out with your friends all the time while she's on my space. If she starts asking you whats up just tell her the rules she has made up about privacy. See how she takes that!!! P.S. I would suggest getting rid of the computer before it destroys your marriage!!

Answer 9

I agree, the Internet can be the root of all evils in some marriages. Why is she even talking to other men in a manner that would compromise the marriage? IF she is locking you out of things then she has something to hide. Don't be a fool.

Answer 10

Please do get rid of the computer; i chat frequently and i can tell you straight up that the characters on the net are just crazy. Most men there are looking for easy women or so they think. Before yu know it, she'll probably meet some of them. Do try and insist on spending time with her once the computer 'gets spoilt"