I want to leave this abusive marriage!! HELP!?

Question

Hi I hope I get some answers that will help me out! I have been married for 5 years and have two wonderful girls. My husband has been verbally abusive as well as emotionally and one time he was physical with me. He keeps me at home and won't let me talk to friends. I didn't realize that this was considered abuse until one of my friends said that I have really changed for the worse and what is going on with me?! My daughters are getting old enough now where they see him constantly calling me names...etc. He can be the most wonderful dad and husband, but he has these "rage attacks" where he just flips out! I love him so much and I have left him once 6 months ago for treating me like this, but had him come back to work things out. Things got better...but now they are getting worse thenthe time before. He scares me and is unpredictable! I have a wonderful friend who wants me and my kids to stay with her and have told family members about this and they think this is bad.....

My friend is ready for me to move in a couple of days. I am scared on how he will react and my oldest daughter is such a daddy's girl. This is so hard for me....I am haveing second thoughts about leaving now! I have come up with all the planning I need and have the things in order for me to grab and go when he goes to work (he has tried to stop me before from leaveing) He tells me everything is his and I would be screwed without him! Please help me! Has anyone gone thru this? Why is this so hard for me to just say I AM LEAVING!!!??? If it was just me it would be a different story....but since I have kids and have always been a stay at home mom...I am just scared of what will happen after I am not dependent on him anymore! My friend does have the means to help me finacially and has room for me and my kids. She even has a job waiting for me...what is wrong with me? Oh yeah he got suicidal last time I left him...so I am worried about that. Please HELP! Could things change in the marriage?

Answer 1

Ok, hon, take a deep breath.

You know you don't have any options. You don't want your girls thinking that how he treats you is appropriate behavior in a marriage. And as much as they disapprove, this is what they will seek out in husbands.

So, hold on, focus on what needs to be done, set your sights on the positives of becoming independent, and just make your feet move.
Remind yourself that in the end, you get you back. And that's what the girls need. Not an abused heap of Mom who can't leave the house.

Make up your mind now, that once you've cut the tie, it's cut. No vascillating back and forth, or it never ends. Once it's over it's over and ever shall be. Decide that now. Chose your path and remain committed to it.

If it's just a game, then stay put.

God bless you and yours.

Answer 2

Yes, your friends and family are right, and you need to stop doubting yourself too.
This man sounds like a time bomb just waiting to go off. I am worried that he will try to assault you if you leave, because of his rage and probable revenge. Only go to this friend's house if you are sure that he won't be able to assault you there. Otherwise, do go to the woman's shelter temporarily at least. They are experts at reading the signals of abusive men and when it will be safe to leave the woman's shelter and go someplace else. Your friend's offer is a wonderful one...take it up when it is safe to do so, but your friend is probably not trained in protecting you, so do go to the woman's shelter first.
Start moving some boxes to your friend's house now, or your family's. They can come and get them, make a few boxes right after he leaves for work and have someone pick them up right away so that he doesn't come home and surprise you and find the boxes.Then you will have more than the clothes on your back for your future. Just sneak into those boxes things that you love and things that you could pawn later for money, like if you have any gold jewerly, and things that your daughter's love. They need some of those things for comfort. Then run! And drain the bank account on your way too...if you can.
OH! I hope you are using a library computer. If you're at home, cancel this account and wipe the history before he sees this, you don't know if he's checking up on your internet activity, and reading this could cause a man like that to come home and beat you. Don't use the internet anymore for any of your plans to get away. You've got to be secretive.

Answer 3

Even if you wanted to stay, this is not just about you. Yours kids must come first.

You family members are not the ones having to live with it. Nor are they the children who will grow up with issues because of it.

I understand how important those family members can be, perhaps they do not understand how bad things are, have you tried recording him in a rage? You could let those family members hear what happens behind closed doors and you may get more support. The tape might also be useful in a legal sense.

Just because you move out does not necessarily mean it is forever over. You could tell him that you will only come back if he attends counseling and that it works.

Think of the children - for each negative thing said to them it takes 5 positive things to balance.

Good Luck

Answer 4

If you are in California call 211. They have all the referals to assist you.
Get into a domestic violence support group. For you since you are the victim this group would be called the battered womens group. Abuse is abuse.
Get some self counseling from a professional. Do this even if you are still living with this person. It will do you a lot of good for outside help.
And call the police if you have too. Or go see about a temporary shelter or stay with friends til you can support yourselfs.
Whatever you do, do not put up with this or your doomed for yourself and your kids.

Answer 5

It's a hard situation for you. And it's always easier for someone not in the marriage to give advice. Still, my advice is this. Leave and set an ultimatum.
You won't try to work it out until he is serious about changing and getting help to do it. Don't go back until he has gotten counseling, not before he says he will get it. Or leave him permanently and get it over with. Tell him your girls don't deserve to see this and that you don't want them to believe it's normal for women to be treated that way. The trouble is, once the patterns of abuse start, they're very very difficult to change in the long run.

Answer 6

Sounds like you know what to do. This IS an abusive marriage, and the longer you stay in it, the longer your risk your emotional and physical health.

And what's to stop him from eventually having a "rage attack" in front of the girls? Or even worse, what if it gets directed at one or both of the girls?

Is he, at this moment, seeking therapy or psychiatric help for his uncontrolled rage? Because if you left him once, you'd think that would be enough of an incentive for him to seek help. If he is NOT actively seeking help, he probably never will.

Go to your friend. I won't lie and say it will be easy to leave a man you love, because it won't be. But you need to think of your girls and yourself right now...because the simple fact is, he may hurt or kill you (or them). I know that may sound outrageous or crazy to you---but since he is abusive, it is entirely possible for him to lose control completely during one of his "rage attacks."

So yes, seek help and shelter from your friend. And get a restraining order. The longer you let this go...the more dangerous a situation it becomes.

Get out now. It may not just be your life you save. It could be your girls' too.

Answer 7

Nobody deserves to be abused. Period. Leave now. Today. It has nothing to do with being a family and nothing to do with your kids, he can be the best father but as long as hes abusive, you need to get out NOW!
He doesnt have control of you as a person, grab your stuff and move with your friends. Call the cops if he threatens you. You shouldnt live in fear...and dont tell yourself that you love him.
Love flew out the window the moment he became abusive.

Answer 8

If you feel that the marriage is going downhill , and you want out, leave . He's not stopping you. Could we ask what triggers these rage attacks? What were the circumstances of the time he got physical?
Listening to one side of a story is not necessarily in the best interest of you both. Wonderfull friends are usually soo helpfull, aren't they?
You feel threatened, Get out.

Answer 9

Stay right away from friends because that'll be the first place he'll come looking for you. Look in your local government pages in the phone book and you should find someone who can advise you on a Womens' Shelter. Take only the essentials, and get going while he's out.

Answer 10

permanently leave him and take your kids... stay with your friend for sanctuary until you can find a job and apartment or something. you should also file divorce...you may feel lonely for a while but dont go back to him! be strong and fight it out! why do your family members think you are the one doing wrong? is it due to religious purposes? my mother doesn't believe in divorce because shes very religious but she doesn't know what its like to have an abusive husband..she was lucky to find my dad who's patient with her and will do anything for her...shes a princess. do whats best for your kids....your kids do not deserve seeing their own father take advantage or you...it probably breaks their heart more then yours...i know if i were your kids ide definatly feel that way.