How do I stop obesessing over my wife's past sexual history?

Question

We've been together a total of three years. She's had 4 sexual partners before me. She's was my first sexual partner. Recently I've been insanely jealous of her previous sexual partners. Even though I know she was never serious with any of them, I still seeth inside at the thought of her 'like that' with another man.

I know that she loves me, and that I am the first person she has truly loved. The same if true for me. Love is not a problem, I have no doubts about her affections. I also have no reason to be suspicious, in all the time we've been together she's been nothing but the perfect loving partner.

But I cannot help but think of her having sex with her previous guys she dated, even if she didn't love them. These thoughts have caused some performance anxiety problems for me of late in the bedroom, but I keep thinking that she's had better than me and is much more experienced. She tells me she really enjoys the sex we have...

I'm really confused and need help...

Answer 1

I think perhaps you're more upset at yourself than her. Maybe you wished you had four previous partners?

If it really is the thought of her with someone else, why dont you just think about who she's with now? Thats what matters! Those losers are long gone, now is your time to shine! You should be grateful she had some kind of experience, otherwise she may be boring as hell in bed or worse, she may want to experience someone else!!

Just dont worry about it...and make it a challenge...make the sex soooo good she'll never forget who her best was!! How do you make it the best? Ask her what she likes...the more open you are, the more you discuss it the better it will be!

Enjoy!

Answer 2

Wife Sexual History

Answer 3

I can't tell you how to stop obsessing about your wife's past but I can give you my side of things... I have been with other guys b4 my hubby (a number that makes him nervous), he is like you, doesn't want to think of me with someone else. I however don't even think about about anyone I had a previous relationship with and I couldn't care less about the people he has been with!!! Whats done is done and there is no going back. When she was with those other guys, she wasn't thinking that in 5 years she was going to meet Mr. Wonderful so she should save herself for you... Just let it go and build your future together! As far as the being better than you part: There is a BIG difference in Making love to your husband versus screwing a guy you are dating. Making love is hands down much better and I am sure she is not thinking she is "better" than you. Sh eis probably tryign to come up with ways for you to enjoy it more.

Answer 4

Same here, everyone .. well A LOT of people
Are always jealous of ones past
Maybe because deep inside you feel like your not special ?
Cause she was your first, but you weren't her first.
It's very hard to let go of that feeling, but later on and when more months and weeks and years past.
This feeling will subside ( hopefully ), but me and my girlfriend has been together for around 2 years now.
And I still get that feeling, sometimes I just sit and think and get jealous.
You think that " you were lucky and it wasn't meant to be for you and her, she coulda done it with anyone so how am I special to her ? "
It's kinda like that, the feeling that she let other guys touch her that way and you touch her the same.
Theres no REAL advice to this, because it seems like a personal kind of thing between you and your girlfriend.
But don't worry a lot of people feel this way,
What I try to do is think that whats happen already happened and it will NEVER happen again, she will be yours and she is yours now, so be happy for that.
Hope this helped you, I'm just 17 by the way, I wouldn't know much =]

Answer 5

The only thing my husband found out about were the names of the men in my life (no details ),before there was an us. He opened the front door and this guy I knew back in jr.High had stopped by to pick up his daughter a year younger than my baby girl,(they are best freinds) thats when he found out who the childs father was, my man's shock lasted about a week and went into hyper driven anger. ( all three of us have suffered thru his mouth and sorry attitude since ).All because this guy beat the crag out of my man when they were in high school. Sometimes knowing isn't for the best.As for the tells I could let out about my man and his past ,(EMEMEM) thats my lil secret. I think it's kinda funny cause my man has got the whole picture in his head completely wrong,and I think his own imagination is his worst enemy.....

Answer 6

It was a little like that with me with my first serious boyfriend. Everytime we tried something new, I would get upset because I'd find out he'd already done it with his previous girlfriend. It is normal to have this reaction initially, until your insecurities are set aside and you grow into the comfort of your relationship. But to still have these feelings 3 years later is a concern.

For me now, the roles are reversed, and I married a man who I am his one and only. Fortunately for me, he does not ask about or worry about what happened in the past because he knows that in the end he got me. Also, he does not try to compare himself with anyone else because he knows what I like and I am open about with him. I communicate my likes and dislikes and he accommodates me just as I do him.

You need to put your worries aside before you lose your wife. Talk to her about your sex life and find out what pleases her and what doesn't. Try new things together and don't obsess if she's done it before. It will all be new with you and that is what matters.


BTW, you should be glad it was only 4 people.

Good luck!!

Answer 7

Hmm. You've been together for three years, but this has only started bothering you recently. That's good. It means you've probably got a good chance of getting over your jealousy.
It's a pretty common thing to be jealous of, but it seems it's getting in the way of your relationship now.
You need to
a) realize that nothing you do can change what has happened in the past, and
b) stop thinking about it.
You need to understand that your only option is to not think about it, to stop these thoughts in your head, to push them away. Once you understand that - that these thoughts will only bring you pain, frustration, and confusion - you need to start pushing them away with both hands. Pick a silly song to sing in your head every time you get jealous thoughts, to push them out. Don't let them get comfortable. "Let them know" you don't want them, and will not tolerate them.

If you work at it, it will turn out to have been just a passing phase, like crushes that come and go, as serious as they may have seemed at the time. But if you only halfheartedly try to get rid of these thoughts, you may suffer in your relationship, and need to seek therapy. Good luck!

Answer 8

Your thoughts of insecurity are just that, thoughts. Your wife loves you and the sex you have, otherwise she would not be there. She also probably knows of your insecurities, and that can affect her as well. You need to be secure in yourself, and trust that what your wife says is true. And sex is not everything. Some people have great sex and an awful relationship. Be proud and confident in the fact that you have the best of both worlds so to speak.

Answer 9

Wow, I guess my husband and I are lucky because we have the same number of previous sexual partners and have similar views on sex.

Here's the thing, your wife loves you. Sex isn't about love. Sex is just a pleasurable activity between two or more people. It's a good time, but it's not an expression of love. You may not realize this. You see, when you have sex certain chemicals are released in both the male and female brain that allow for feelings of affection and perhaps love, but these feelings are not a reflection of how you really think and feel about a person. The same chemicals are released during any orgasm including after masturbation.

A person who is inexperienced in the ways of sex may become confused and think that those feelings are in fact, love. To call sex love making is shallow. Love is much more than sex. Your wife loves you and sex, it's just an act. She knows it. I know it and hopefully you can get over it.

I suggest counselling for yourself as well as marital counselling to discuss these issues.

Answer 10

Its either something you get over or you dont. I am married to a man who is the only man i have ever had sex with and he had multiple partners before me. It used to really bother me but i realized its not worth ruining what we have together by dwelling on the past. The past should be just that.... the past!