I am in the process of starting a business. My partner and I have not taken a paycheck in three months, but we are staring to see a return on our investment. To keep tension to a minimum, I told her we had the money, when there really wasn't any. She has compared this to having an affair. Blah, I'm empty
Any thoughts?
2007-06-18 15:32:00 · 45 answers · asked by herkyhealer 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your wife is crazy.
2007-06-18 15:34:45 · answer #1 · answered by Telly-Of-War 3 · 2⤊ 6⤋
It might help if you told her a lot more about the stresses and the whole business of keeping tension to a minimum. It sounds like you have a good feeling about how her worries would have undermined your confidence and so you didn't tell her. If she is irritated about that judgement of her, she has to get over it - because she probably would have worried a lot and made you worry even more than you did. Tell her that you started this business with a partner, not with her. Tell her that the business will eventually make money and that's the whole point of it. Tell her that if she knew that starting a business, there was a guarantee that it would make money right off the bat, the whole world would choose to go into business themselves and not only don't they, but those who do USUALLY fail.
I have a feeling that she may have a grasp of this but didn't think it applied to you and your situation.
2007-06-26 07:08:03 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hate to be the bringer of bad news, but money issues is the first cause of divorce... followed by cheating.
When a woman marries, she usually has to give up her financial independance or hopes of ever becoming independant. In return, she expect to be informed of the couple's finances, so she can predict the next few weeks or months.
Imagine yourself during martial law. You're given coupons to buy food or electricity. Suddenly, you realise the commander in charge of giving you the coupons has been gambling them in poker games, and losing. Now, the commander tells you that everything will be fine, because he feels his luck his coming around... and the next game is tonight.
What do you do? You can't just leave, you don't have any ration coupons left. You can't attack him and get the coupons, his poker buddies kept them safe for the next game.
Wouldn't feel frustrated? Wouldn't you want to beat that lieutenant into a bloody pulp? Wouldn't you wish -you- were the commander and -him- the civilian?
But that ain't gonna happen. So, you yell, you scream, you're scared, you're angry (f*cking mad, I'd say...), you try and tell the commander he's damned crazy!!!!... And he keeps staring at you like a good soldier and says : "Move along, citizen! Nothing to see!"... And now you remember, he's the guy with the gun. One bad move from him and your life is over.
Hope this made you capable of putting yourself in your wife's shoes. Of course she's mad, you violated her trust and risked her future.
Why would'nt you keep her informed of her own finances? Why didn't you sit down with her before starting your business and review your projections of the next few months (how your revenue would be most likely influenced)?
She's a grown woman, not an incompetent child who has no saying on how the money's going to be spent.
You need to sit down and put yourself in her place. Once you do that, you might be able to figure out a way to win her trust back.
2007-06-18 15:53:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't blame her for being really upset at you - you did lie, and it was a big one. Yeah, you can try to justify it by saying that you were thinking of her sense of peace and tranquility when you told her there was money when there wasn't any. But, the reality is that you kept something really important from the person you married. Not a good idea.
What should you do? Apologize and suck it up when she stays mad at you for a while. Promise to be truthful with her about the finances (and anything else, for that matter) and do it. Show her the business's financial books, talk to her about the good/bad/ugly of what is happening, let her be in on what is going on with your business. Plus, make sure to listen to what is going on with her.
Use this experience to build your communications and marriage rather than let it push you apart. Twenty years is a long time, and life isn't greener in the singles/divorced world, my friend. Don't take the tapestry of memories you two have created for granted. If you have to, consider couples therapy to help her move beyond your dishonesty and to help you understand what got you to that point in the first place. Good luck.
2007-06-18 15:43:40 · answer #4 · answered by careergirl 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I understand where she is coming from. Being lied to is serious to us women. We wonder what else you are lying about. That's how she is connecting your lying to having an affair. The only way to "fix" this is to never, ever lie to your wife again. Trust is the foundation of relationships. You lose that and it's downhill from there. She is going to be suspicious of you for a long time. It is up to you to gain her trust back by always being honest with her. Give her constant reassurance and be willing to allow her to check up on you whever she feels like it. Be as loving and attentive to her as you possibly can. You can do it! No excuse about why you lied will matter. She is wondering why you didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth. Did you think she couldn't handle it? She has a right to know about your finances.
2007-06-24 18:20:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is NOT the same as having an affair but after 3 months/ WHO IS PAYING THE BILLS DUDE? You tell her you were WRONG for lying to her, but you needed HER to stand behind you until you can get the business off the ground and it is starting to do that then you will be ok money wise.Tell her you don't blame her for not trusting you, but ask her for 2 more months and if the business doesn't do any better you will do something else and until then, YOU(THE GUY) GET A PART TIME JOB WITH A PAYCHECK!K?
2007-06-18 15:37:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
YES, YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOO-PAH. HONESTY IS THE BASIS FOR ANY MARRIAGE....GOOD OR BAD!
If she cannot trust that you don't have money when you say you do, her whole financial world is turned upside down. She has reason to want out of a marriage where she will not know if she has to move from day to day.
The business venture, I take it, was something she was not willing to do. YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE NOW. Sure, you will probably make it work eventually; but, you denied her the right of rejecting the 'risk' involved....ONLY YOU WERE WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK AND now she is not willing...SO WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED? ARE THE BILLS PAID? IS THERE ANY DEBT FROM THIS VENTURE? CAN YOU RECOVER IN A SHORT PERIOD? IF SO, YOU NEED TO DISCLOSE ALL INFORMATION TO HER. KEEP HER IN THE LOOP AND MOST OF ALL..............AN APOLOGY IS WARRANTED.
You may save your marriage by promising to never exclude her in ANY FACET OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER.
GOOD LUCK, GOD BLESS
2007-06-18 17:52:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You really should have been truthful with her, in order for her to support you. Spending sometime discussing the business and how things are starting to turn around, might help her understand that it takes time to get a business going. I wouldn't consider what the lie you told as having an affair. I don't think the two can be compared as the same. Good luck in business and your relationship with your wife.
2007-06-18 15:37:16 · answer #8 · answered by mercedes 1 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I agree with your wife, lying is cheating. It is the betrayal. Having sex with some one else is bad but the betrayal is worse. The fact that your intimate life is out there for the woman, man, the world to look at and judge is. You could not trust her so you deceived her and others knew. You lied to protect yourself because you knew she would object.
I left a relationship of twenty two years because I was betrayed. Sex was not the issue. Honesty was.
I would not want to take another chance with someone who has pr oven themselves a liar and a cheat.
2007-06-25 06:46:45 · answer #9 · answered by pat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know you're going to get lambasted for this one.
If you lied to her about the money, what else have you lied about? Would you also lie to your partner about the money? Marriage and business is supposed to be based on trust. Lose that trust, lose the partnership.
If you want to save the marriage you'd better be devoting as much energy into that as you are the business partnership. Tension will eventually creep into any relationship.
Talk to her. Tell her you will be up front in the future and will keep nothing from her. Truth will set you free. Ask her to help with your business venture --- who knows, maybe she will have ideas to help. How would you feel if you are being lied to? Not too good, I imagine. Admit your wrongdoing and try to make amends with her.
2007-06-18 15:41:31 · answer #10 · answered by Karen T 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I do not get why you would lie. It never makes anything easier. What have you been living on. I can see where she might feel totally betrayed. Truthfully, most new businesses to no see a profit for two years. This should have been part of the discussion you had with her three montsh ago. Why was your salaries not part of the start up money?
All you can do is apologize and offer to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. You have a long road ahead of you to earn her trust back,
2007-06-18 15:37:55 · answer #11 · answered by dmjrev 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋